Think Goals!!

[SleeplessinWI]

I am new to the bb and am dealing with a WAW. I have started DR and am somewhat stuck on the goals. My goals started out too broad; save the marriage; get my wife to agree to go to counseling right now my goals are to:
1) Go on a date with my W once a month
2) Compliment W on appearance, what a good mom she is, how hard she is working.
My question is: with a WAW should my goals be different? How do I achieve these goals and still give my W space? I am having problems coming up with small goals that I can achieve. I would love to hear of other people -- especially H of WAW of what your goals were and more importantly, what was the outcome?

[poepad]

read all the posts in walk away wife thread, and post in the newcommers thread. Before you do anything, figure what you have done wrong. Also use SBT couselor only.

[EHP]

1. Continue to be strong and become stronger.
2. Always remember that I can't control what she says, does or thinks.
3. Continue to stop snooping.
4. Whe I see baby steps just relax, observe and know I'll see more.
5. Continue to let her do the talking, the calling, the emailing.
6. Keep hope alive.
7. Don't let a bad day get me down. Keep my head up!
8. Know that no matter what happens I will come out of this a better person.
9. Continue to stay positive around her. Show her that I'm doing well no matter what.

[Jamesjohn]

Hi EHP! Not a bad start! Just a couple of quick comments on a few of these.

1. Continue to be strong and become stronger.

What are some of the specific ways that you are being strong? That is, what things are you doing that you can give yourself "a pat on the back" about?! What will it look like when you become "stronger"? What things do you see yourself doing then?

7. Don't let a bad day get me down. Keep my head up!

What things do you do that helps you to keep your head up? What is it that you do to keep the bad days from getting you down, that you can keep in mind for when you need them?

Good job! Keep pluggin' away!!

[EHP]

Hello!
How am I being strong? Good question. I pulled a pretty major 180 about 2 weeks ago. Just posted about it on the 180 forum if you want more info. Anyway, I quit doing all the things that push her way - crying, snooping, begging, etc.- and I've kept it up. That took a lot of strength. It looks like it may be working, too. Those changes helped me start focusing on myself again. That will help me become even stronger. I will continue to be more positive an be percieved that way by my wife. she will see the changes.

7. I'm not the most religious person but I have strong beliefs and and have learned to pray during those hard times. I've also started working out - running, eating right and just staying fit. When I'm having a hard time I go running it REALLY helps. I also keep thinking about the goals I've come up with over the last month.

I guess these 2 goals kind of go hand in hand. What I do for #7 gives me strength.

Thanks for taking time to respond! I have a lot of respect for your advice.
I could use some more input so If you have time check out in the Do a 180 workshop forum.
Experienced 180ers help! Good RESULTS??!!

Have a good one and thanks again!

[ShouldBHappy]

Mrs. Hopeful, if you're still on these boards, your goals list was very helpful to me.

I am still waiting for the book to come in the mail. However, I can say this:

I feel like a complete idiot at the goal setting things. My goals are contradictory and/or unimplementable, so far.

For example:

1. Do not be the one to initiate R talk.
2. Have a R talk.

Obviously, those two put together mean:
3. Someone have H initiate the talk (I can't have a goal that's for him to do!)

How do you know when the relationship is so fragile that you should stop initiating relationship talk? My H. says he's willing to have such talk, but his behaviors speak volumes otherwise.

Anyway, the Stop Pursuit goal works.

Not being so emotional in his presence is a true goal - sounds unachievable to me right now. (He's a very emotional person, too, and does everything he can to provoke emotional responses from people around him, usually in a good way).

I'll be back later when I have some goals. Any suggestions at all would help. Reading everyone's goals does help.

Ooh, see, I thought of one:

Go on vacation (with H) next week with no expectations and just enjoy what happens. That's a good goal.

WAIT. I need some help here. Anyone?

Here is a goal from WishingWell that totally sums up what I want/need to do, but can't:

1. Overcome the need to push issues, to contradict H when he is not being provocative or accusatory.

My H is almost never provocative or accusatory. He brings things up in his sweet simple way because he doesn't know what else to do. I get pushy and want to contradict him anyway.

Example (from today):

H: Are you feeling ---- are you still feeling ---- are you feeling better? (he asks this because yesterday he ascertained that something was bothering me, because he asked if I was feeling "bad" and I said, "I've felt better.")

Me (this is what I actually said) I'm FINE. (I might as well have said, I'm fine, g+ddammit).

He's trying to initiate some kind of R talk, I guess. I'm being evasive and hostile. In other words, he's trying to say he knows something is amiss, and I'm doing everything I can to contradict him because I'm so pissed that he doesn't know what it is, and if I tell him, he'll have a fit and we can't both be off our rockers at the same time, can we?

He's about to come home (from surfing, which he immediately went and did when he saw I wasn't home when he got home from work, because he knows something is odd - usually I'm here and we go to the beach together).

He'll say, "How are you, my baby?"

And, frankly, I'll want to spit in his face. Okay, maybe that's a bit strong, but it's been 5 days of me moping and avoiding him (a total 180) and he doesn't seem to even notice, beyond casual inquiry.

I'll say: "Fine, babe."

I will be lying (although I'm in no danger of dying or anything - so aren't I fine in some sense?)

HELP. I can't make it a goal to be totally truthful with him, he'd freak.

[Jamesjohn]

~~~~~

[FiatLux]

I'm new to DB,
My situation is described in the thread below.
Here are my initial goals that I'd like feedback on if you would:
1) W and I will become friends:
- be trustworthy - by always telling her the truth, no more hesitations/hiding, being genuine.
- lightening of mood/weight of importance of our interactions.
- be better listener/focuser on her: listen, understand, validate, & respond.
2) I will stay in consistent 180:
-stop pursuit behavior
- project positive stance about life (including “as if” stance with W).
3) I will enhance self-care/get a life:
- improve physical health: maintain weight loss (lost 15 lbs!), add muscle through weightraining 2x/week, run for fun 2-3x/wk.
- Increase friendships
- Pursue guitar again.
4) I will decrease our financial strain.
- Obtain license & work extra job to increase income.
- Focus on paying off credit cards.
- Allow W to get a realistic view of going it alone financially by not trying to rescue without a communication (although I will still pay mortgage).
5) I will maintain solid fathering
- Overnights 1x/wk, Weekends 2x/mo, M-Thur outings 2x/wk
- Provide her a break when she asks so that she can develop self.

What do you think? Thanks in advance for your feedback.
- Gabriel Gabriel: Beginner's Confusion

[pegasus]

Goals.
1. Lose weight.
2. Take a class or find another activity that gets me out.
3. No backsliding
4. Will not involve kids our problems
5. Be her best friend.
..When with W will not talk R
..Try to stay happy and light in conversation.
..Give W full attention, make eye contact if in person.
..Let W know her wants and needs are important to me.
6. Learn to flirt.
7. W will invite me over to visit at her new place
8. We will go out on a date.

[pegasus]

That she will Move home by her BDay.