One GAL goal that is going great- dancing lessons. Was nervous I would feel stupid and awkward, but everyone in the beginning classes do so it is no big deal. Meeting very very nice quality people who have positive things going on in their life. I find I absolutely love the latin dancing- learned salsa and merengue tonight and it was great. Also felt like the hot chick in the group, and received quite a bit of male attention, including from the handsome latin instructor, which was a nice boost to my esteem. Meeting all these nice men actually makes me think...well maybe I don't really need you, ya loser. Not only am I looking good, but I am pretty intelligent- was working in a molecular diagnostic lab extracting, purifying and testing DNA. So I am at least average intelligence, at least average looking and I am fun and like to do things. I have got to keep up these dancing lessons. Make me feel so much better about myself. Let H be my only social life before...gave his opinion of me way too much control. Next hobby I plan to pursue- rock climbing. My best friend has a buddy who is an instructor and he offered to hook me up with lessons. So, so far in GAL...which def. helps with PMA... lost weight and looking good new wardrobe new haircut and highlights manicure and pedicure contacted old college friends- one is bringing me back a gift from Kenya, his home dancing Next...rock climbing, new home, new job, meeting with old childhood friends.
Thanks for the reply.. took me forever to find where I posted at again! Any advise on getting his Viagra filled? We also have our house for sell, and it is in foreclosure now because he has not paid a payment since Feb. His mind seems SO made up I just feel like I'm fighting for something that is unlikely to happen. I keep praying but nothing is happening. I only see him every other weekend when he is picking up the kids(he actually waited 3 weekends from his first visit), so we'll see if he comes next weekend or not. He has not attended one school function since he left.. or any of the kids soccer/baseball games.. he has not once called them to came to visit.. just the 2 times now when he took them. He does not even want to step foot in our house.. he acts like he'll get the plague or something(although I did talk him into it last weekend) He still says he wants a divorce and nothing is changing his mind. I just don't know what to do anymore.. and I feel like I don't see him often enough for anything I do to make a difference. Any advise is needed.. thanks!
Now things are tricky. I need to tread very very carefully. I was a bit risky in telling H that the door was still open, but not if he was living with OW. I do think this may pay off, if I can be PATIENT. I must be so careful here not to blow it. Yikes. I am a bit nervous now. I am really good at following through once I have a goal set. Not sure what to make my goal now. I need to carefully think about it so I don't make goals too loafty and become pushy. If any are interested, my sitch is in the "I may have started DBing too late" I would welcome advice here, I need to take baby steps. What should my goal for our next meeting be? Should it be solely to enjoy eachother's company? That is where I am leaning.
May be meeting with H today. Goals today: be happy and relaxed no R talk, be a little more aloof than I was last time listen and validate if the timing arises, say "I want to thank you for the separation. It was a shock to me at first, however I realize now how happy I am to have this chance for personal growth and to re-evaluate my life" Tell him that I will not be returning to the house, so if he could please water the plants once a week, that would be great (also gives him a clue that there are other places he can live besides at OW's- he claims he doesn't have anywhere else to go- this is just his BS excuse though) Do not bring up his living arrgmt or OW even though I want to tell him- you don't move out, the door is closing. I will keep my trap shut on this. During my next session with Michelle, I will tell her where I feel I stand on this. Maybe she will discuss it with him. I will not. I am goal oriented, so I can do this!
Baby Steps-within the next week or two 1.He will initiate conversations on the computer or the phone. 2.He will come visit me or us. 3.He will be positive toward us. 4.He will hug or kiss us. 5.He will compliment our changes in attitude/house.
Bigger Steps-Farther in the future 1.He will want to do family outings (like watch a movie/Morrison Lake). 2.He will want to spend the night again. 3.He will talk about the future with us as a family.
do not freak out. a set-back does not mean the end. do not take anything personal. H is so confused and conflicted. PMA- only smiles and cheerful VALIDATE- this means acknowledge his view. Dont take it personal, dont interpret. Acknowledge his feelings and view. Show him I am still the girl he fell in love with. Show him that change is very possible. Make him feel safe with me. Give him space. Let him know I am ok with that. Keep up the curiosity. Consider going dark. Screw up may require that. Keep strong. Keep faith. Love myself and know that I am worth being loved. Try not to give up. I can be patient. I can.
H is letting me borrow his truck tomorrow while he is at work to take care of some business things. Goals: Upbeat and cute NO R talk NO ILY Validate Admire, appreciate Recreational companionship Build safe and trusting friendship Set MC appt together (his request)
Today's goals...going to be a struggle because I am angry. 1. be happy and bubbly 2. make it short 3. set some boundaries...I am going to say that I am hurt that H told me he would limit contact with OW to group activities outside her home and the very next day he was there. I will say that I am sad that he has chosen to disregard what he told me and that I had really thought we had a good conversation and understanding. I will say that I believe he is continuing an EA and that I have my boundaries and feel that I do not need to accept lies. I will tell him that he had agreed to be completely honest and that I believed him. I will say that if he is going back on his word here, it is difficult to believe he is not going back on his word elsewhere. I will say that I have to take what you say with a grain of salt because so far they have only been words. 4. No matter the response I will remain calm. I will not attack. I will not take it personal. I will get out of here and say I have some plans and be happy no matter what the liar says. LIAR LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!
Hi Michelle, I'm new as of yesterday, 08/13/05. My W left me only a month ago and I see from this forum that I have been doing all the wrong things. If you look at my posts you will see that I want to save my marriage but all seems hopeless. She responed in an e-mail that she was Done.
I ordered the DR and DB'ing books last night, I hope they arrive quickly before I drive myself crazy.
My W has made it so I cannot contact her or know where she is. She replied to about 3 of the many e-mails that I sent to her work.
So here are my goals for now. 1) Stop trying to contact W. 2) Read and understand the books when they arrive. 3) Put the methods to work immediately. 4) Try very hard to get back into my work. 5) Realize that I can't control this sitch and accept it. (That's going to be real tough). 6) Wait.
I'd like to have my W back dearly and for our marriage to work. I guess that is about all I think I can do at this point.
I'm not sure I'm living better, but I am living different.
My Sitch
