Think Goals!!

[afa75]

Is this thread still alive?
I'd welcome some constructive criticism if it is.

[amy1982]

These goals could have been written by me..my goals for my husband.

[Ambivalent]

Thought I'd revive this since nobody has posted since 2012

I'm going to attempt this...I welcome advice.

I'm into month four of MLC but he has been in it for at least two years prior to actually moving out.

1. Try and not contact him for anything.

2. Really focus on my house, cleaning and maintenance

3. When he contacts me, STAY detached. Think of him as one of those friends that are needy. Be respectful, keep to boundaries
and listen. Let him lead any conversation.

4. Do NOT allow him to bait me into anything! Do NOT allow him to emotionally blackmail me.

How to # 1. Stay busy, come here, dance classes, homework, school, spend time with daughters...

How to # 2. Make a cleaning schedule...STICK to it! List what needs to be accomplished and make a check list


How to # 3. Do not answer the phone when NOT calm, and relaxed. I do not have to respond, I can wait and think things through. I do not have to respond to emails, wait a couple of days , let things sink in or see them for what they are

How to #4 I cannot be baited if I do not allow him . Keep distance. Think to myself, if he were not your spouse, would you really want this guy as a friend? At present...NOOOO WAAAAY!

[Ambivalent]

Journaling:

Why I'm Not His Friend And Why I don't Want To Be His

When I think about friends that I have, I think about what the friendships are like.

Many are based on activities or tastes we share, others are based on like mindedness such as politics, child rearing , or hobbies/sports.

Why some are fulfilling and others not so much. Respect, intelligence, admiration, and companionship. Selfishness, competitiveness with material things, and them wanting something from me that I don't want to give.

Why I would not choose my H. as a friend. He is selfish, examples...makes plans with people and then blows them off for something else HE would rather do. Uses his friends, borrows money, wants to use their connections ( perhaps this is a man thing, but I find it distasteful ) , needs to be constantly admired for material things.

He can be a bit of a bully and is competitive in areas I choose not to be. Has got to be up one on stories, or situations.

As a spouse, I like his family loyalty, his generosity of wealth and knowledge. He is patient, and generally kind. He is a pretty good provider. Where he is considerate in the little things, he is inconsiderate in the big things. He can be humorous and loving. He has some real insecurities and rather than discuss feelings he holds them in. He is not very passionate when it comes to LM. He is not creative, nor innovative. He is not willing to step out of his comfort zone. He is human.

By looking at him from a distance it helps me to detach. I'm not desiring of the old marriage. I really have allowed myself to just go with the flow, not push for more, settle for the day to day. Why? Because I tend to make the best of a situation. If he is not home, I always had interests , many many things peak my curiosity. So I just kept busy.

What makes this different? He was always gone, emotionally absent and even physically absent. So Me, WHAT is SO different?

NOTHING other than knowing it isn't a business trip, sport, or out with guys...

Has he brought up D.? NO! What is the worst that can happen?

He files for D.,I lose the house, can't find a place to live because I have several animals. Our family is forever fractured.

What is the best that can happen? He figures things out, and is ready to engage in a new marriage with us. One where we respect each other and try to meet each other's needs. All of them? NO! That's impossible. Passion, travel, compliments, and yes even a no occasion gift now and then! I get the opportunity to be a better spouse, meet more of his needs...after he decides to be specific! Ha! I actually help him meet mine by doing the same!

Where are we really? He is staying in a apt. of a friend foc. I'm in house. No filing, no other people coming between us ( to date). We have been apart four months with no direction or sign of any plan/future/ . LIMBO So I guess things could be worse as much as they could be better.

What I can do? Enjoy not having to decide what to do for dinner. Not pick up everything and tidy up. Run around the house or yard naked if I want! See any movie, and go where ever I want to dinner when ever I want. Not have to tell anyone where I am or what I'm doing.

I think I'll find a place to skinny dip before the weather turns cold!

[makingmagic]

HI amb.... Just to note that the "baited" is related to being pulled into his spew/arguement/disagreement. I have failed at this many many times, I have finally gotten the hang of it. Good luck to you on this one!! It wasn't easy. But, I have arrived.

A few back up statements for your back pocket:

1) Seems like this isnt a good time for us to discuss this. Can we talk about it later when we have calmed down?

2) YOu know what? lets talke about this later. I was in the middle of something that I need to finish up.

3) I'd be happy to talk when we are in a better place (if in public).

Hugs, Magic!

[Ambivalent]

Thanks MM

Generally when he baits me, it is in writing. The last go 'round was him venting his perception of a disagreement of an incident.

He will button push on the phone..."your relationship with D1 is like your relationship with your mother...

You are getting into Swing like your mom got into square dan.

He knows how I feel about my parents. Came from abusive relationship, and took charge of it years ago.

My relationship with my oldest is NOTHING like what I didn't have with my mom. I gave more to my girl's than my parent's ever considered giving to children. I was present, and I was neither physically abusive nor did I emotionally blackmail my kids. I was involved, supportive, and loving.

I loved and love unconditionally! My oldest has had more issues, high IQ, OCD, depression, no executive functioning skills, obesity, yadda yadda yadda. I gave so much, private school, coached, lead, home schooled, etc.etc. I had burned myself out. My parent's on the other hand would tell you they were selfish, and put themselves before any of us.

Sooo when H. button pushes in that realm, he is truly trying to hurt me/lash out. He is doing this because he is hurting and doesn't like seeing me move forward. He probably has guilt over not being there except for b-days and holidays. I get it, and yes it IS very difficult not to want to smack him down one.

I could so easily lash out how he left us just like his dad left his family, or he is going through MLC just like his dad, is he going to get married three more times too? Or , at least I'm not your mother and have no intention of poisoning girls against you!
Oh it could get nasty, but I bite my tongue and desperately try not to do that. I would just be stooping to his behavior and allowing him to see the hurt. NOT gonna do it. It is so juvenile, very late adolescence.

Tell me Magic, how are things going with you? Your signature says lipservice, is it or is he ping ponging from tunnel to field? Is he prairie dogging?