Why is this like this?

[swashy]

Swashy said, "I know you want to "fix" this. I know that you want to figure it out and do everything you can to make this work. Unfortunately in this crazy backwards dbing world...the thing that is going to give you the best chance of fixing this...is to just leave it alone and focus on fixing YOU." I do agree with statement.......and need to continue working on that effort.

Doing this makes this....

One of the hard things for me is sometimes I vacillate so much. I want this fixed now....or ended now. I need to be more patient. It is hard though, because this journey is so lonely at times. I did consider my wife to also be my best friend, and I do miss that part so much too. Just having someone to have a conversation with.

a lot easier.

What I mean is...taking the focus off of her and your R and putting it on you and your life and how you want to grow, etc....will help to flatten out this crazy roller coaster you are on and will help give you greater patience.

It is so easy to say and SOOOO hard to do...but it is the way. It'll come with time buddy. Hope you had a good night at work.

[Iamworththetime]

Take the word divorce out of your vocabulary. Never bring it up.

This is so true, I need to get this through my thick skull.

[NDDT]

Good morning people. Well another fine day at work is complete.
Hoping for decent sleep today. Found out last night that I am manitory OT for Weds night........good and bad. The good part is that I will have enough $$ to keep the all my bills paid and mortgage. The bad part is I will be working 72 out of the next 144 hours. Also it comes with the price of only seeing my child for about 6 hours out of all that time, but I will get by. And the $$ will be nice too.

Was thinking last night, I suppose this is not very detaching, but I know for fact that my WAW will be attending a wedding this coming Saturday. Hmmmmmm......perhaps a few things said during the service will at least make her think??? I know, I know worry about myself. But I suppose it would not hurt to throw a prayer that way.

I want to thank all of you guys for all your input, does help me get through all of this. Hope everyone has a good day. And if you are reading this at work.....just think I am sleeping!!!

[NDDT]

I am beggining to think one aspect of me Getting A Life will be to quit spending so much time on this site. I got up 2 hours ago and pretty much spent my time reading and responding to posts here. It is good to see everyones take on things and get responses to what I write, but other than that I have not accomplished a thing so far today.

Wondering what people think about spending too much time on here?
Spending too much time thinking about and discussing situation?

Perhaps it is time for me to stop thinking and writing and just do more things for ME!!??

[Tamashii]

Wondering what people think about spending too much time on here?
Spending too much time thinking about and discussing situation?

I call it "emotional vomit." You'll do it as long as you need to, then stop.

But Kausion is right: too much can bring you down. Even hearing about a breakup bums me out.

Get your mind off it.

David

[swashy]

Yeah..you'll come and go as you see fit. Use when you need it..and don't when you don't.

[Nomopo]

Nomo.......your in depth analysis does help me so much. I appreciate it. I have to admit that sometimes I worry that you spend so much time helping me and others that you are neglecting yourself and your own situation. Of all the people on here, you are the one that I would like to someday have a phone conversation with.

It's a selfish thing really. It makes me feel good, I expect increased visits to my thread in return, and it helps me to learn by following and analyzing other sitchs and offering my thoughts. I highly encourage it, but it is addictive and a real dark hole for time. Because of the lessons I learn, I don't feel like it is time away from my sitch, but rather time spent learning and growing myself. And I'd be happy to talk to you (or anyone else for that matter) by phone any time you want. I have spoken with a few others on this Board already. You can always email me at [e-mail], and we can exchange phone numbers.

I also feel guilty that I do not offer more "advice" to other people, and that is probably a self esteem thing, but I feel I am in a place where I dont have alot to offer.

You are selling yourself short. You have good advice to offer, and have done so. If it makes you feel better, start with the newbies. Sadly, there seem to be two or three a day.

Was thinking last night, I suppose this is not very detaching, but I know for fact that my WAW will be attending a wedding this coming Saturday. Hmmmmmm......perhaps a few things said during the service will at least make her think??? I know, I know worry about myself. But I suppose it would not hurt to throw a prayer that way.

Offer the prayer, but don't hold your breath. She is not there yet I suspect. NDDT, do you feel like you can be/will be happy in your life regardless of what happens with your M? or stated another way, are you getting to that point more and more each day? If so, you are detaching IMO. Wanting your W/R/M back doesn't mean you're not detached (detaching is not the same as not caring).

I got up 2 hours ago and pretty much spent my time reading and responding to posts here. It is good to see everyones take on things and get responses to what I write, but other than that I have not accomplished a thing so far today.

I agree with the responses to this. But, did you learn something? Are you better able to handle something? If so, it wasn't a waste. Learning to DB to the best of my ability has been my number 1 priority in life for the past few weeks. I feel like I've just about got my hands around it to the point and can relax more and just apply. Was it worth all the time it took me to get here. Yep. Ifeel good about what I am doing, and will be at peace no matter the result.

But it's a personal decision. Go with your gut!

Latr,
Nomopo

[NDDT]

OK, confession time. On the way to and from work, if I just drive about 1 mile out of my way, I can drive by where she is staying. I have been doing this. I know that this is not detaching in the least bit. I did not see her car there the last 3 times I have driven by now. Makes me wonder if she hasnt went out and got her own place?

So at work last night I let my imagination run with this for awhile. Suppose she has got her own place? I have the right to know where my child is staying!! Maybe she moved in with some scumbag.....I dont want my child staying at some house with some scumbag!! I have the right to know who this scumbag is........
She had better give me answers, or else, or else I will get a lawyer and demand them........dammit, it is my right!!!

Then I sort of caught myself. I asked myself, "why in the world am I even putting myself through this crap? I dont know anything. If she has got her own place, well that would not really be a shock. I am sure my child will tell me this sooner or later anyhow. But I did let go of this a bit. I mean it is completly out of my control anyhow. I still do have enough faith in her that I believe that she would not put my child in a bad place.

But the lesson I got was, basically to quit conjoring up all of these goofy thoughts, the only person that they really hurt is me. Why would I want to hurt myself like that?

Nomo said, "NDDT, do you feel like you can be/will be happy in your life regardless of what happens........."

happy? I dont know. Content perhaps. The will to continue forward and accept what life has to offer me.....yes, I can do that.

[swashy]

Well NDDT...going through life "content"....sounds pretty sh!tty to me. Work on that. You will be happy if you want to be happy.

[Nomopo]

NDDT-

You did a good job getting rid of those thoughts, and that is progress. You can't always keep them fromb coming, so ridding your mind of them is good.

More importantly, you can be happy. No question about. The real question is if you will realize that.

Nomopo