I know swashy, but I'm not really being any different than before. I mean, I'm not acting, I have always done the dishes after dinner, I've always tried to keep the yard maintained, for the past three years I've made the bed up after getting out of it, I've always taken very good care of my kids and helped my wife with the baths and getting them ready for bed. She mentioned tonight that we never talked and when we talk that we don't get along (which is not the case, but I didn't say anything when she said that). I want to talk to her, but I can't bring up the R, and when I make small talk she is very short with her response and the talk dies. Last night as she was in the kitchen getting a drink of water before bed and I was watching tv in the living room, I said " Have you seen Jet( our overweight dog) she looks like she's losing some weight, she was able to jump into the back of my truck all day. She said " yeah. but you're not buying them that food anymore (science diet weight control) and I say, yes, I am, I bought some before we went on our trip, and all she said was "oh", I turned back toward the tv to turn it down, and when I looked back, she was gone. I want to talk to her, but I'm not sure how to go about doing so.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Your W's swings of mood suggest somebody experiencing some level of depression. By tomorrow, her mood may well have changed.
I probably would have responded to her needling in exactly the same way you did, with honest, semi-fumbling replies. She's pissed because you won't be pissed, pissed because you won't be the enemy she needs you to be to launch her out the door. Truly, I think you're doing fine. That conversation could have been a lot worse. I think there might have been some teeny little landmines hidden in there somewhere waiting to detonate, and yet you're still alive to tell the tale.
And maybe there are some other glimmers of light, as well. She asks why you won't just let her go. Yet she doesn't need your permission. You both know that. Odd as it may sound, I don't think she really wants to go. But I think she may need you to give her a really good reason to stay. I don't know how you would do that exactly. But think hard about what she needs--has needed in the past.
And maybe another poster will have suggestions about specific things to say in the kind of conversation you describe.
Thanks Delia, I appreciate that. I know she doesn't need my permission, and I'm befuddled that she says that to me. I keep thinking back to last Wed when SHE asked me if I minded if she went out ( I was thinking, why did she ask me when she told me last week that if she wanted to go out she'd get in her )*&()*&Y car and go?), and then she called me on her way home to apologize for being so late.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
I think Delia made some great points. She most likely is hoping you will give her an "out". She wants you to make this easy on her by flying off the handle. Don't give her that. At some point she may leave anyway..but at least it wasn't you pushing her out the door...
She most likely is hoping you will give her an "out". She wants you to make this easy on her by flying off the handle. Don't give her that
I agree, I thinks that's what she's doing and I'm NOT going to do that at all. She says that what I've been doing i.e housework, yardwork, and all pisses her off, but I can't stop doing it, it needs to be done.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
What set her off tonight was when I mentioned that maybe we could hire a maid to do the housework since we both work, that's when she said " what do you think? What are you doing? things aren't alright."
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
What do I do when everything I do seems to piss her off?
You stay with your plan, your goals and monitor baby steps. Take her bad moods into account and adapt your goals. It is quite normal for the WA to swing from one extreme to another, most of the highs and lows tend to get softened only if the LBS has a steady path to counter the extremes.
The fact that she is annoyed means she is still reacting to you. This is good. Think of what will draw her closer. In a strange way, the WA appreciates their partner when they see other people appreciating them. Do you get much opportunity to mix with other families at weekends? Time when you can shine as a great Dad, a fun guy?
She had mentioned it once a long time ago, and to be honest I just didn't think about it anymore and I thought she would go ahead and do it, but she never did. Tonight after I mentioned it she said " You never cared about getting a maid before, why now?"
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Do you get much opportunity to mix with other families at weekends? Time when you can shine as a great Dad, a fun guy?
Yes, this past weekend we went on a mini vacation with both of our familes and about thirty other people and had a great time. I mentioned that fact tonight and she said "yeah, because we didn't talk" which we did, just not about the R. I mean we spent a lot of time alone this past weekend because we were flaoting the Frio river and at times it was just she and I.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
