NAP...gosh we must be related...I forget things I want to say too...and usually end up saying something I didn't want to say!
Sounds like things went well...I understand about the sex life issues...this was an issue about 9 years ago when my H had an EA online...one of his complaints is that I wasn't passionate with him...of course I was working and raising kids...homeschooling on top of that...and I was tired...but I kicked it up a few notches and before long we were doing really well..until his real major part of the MLC hit...so if sex was an issue and you can use it to show him that you are able to change that then go for it...just be safe...I know it is hard to discuss but I did it...I told my H that while he might have trusted his OW I didn't...and I wasn't going to risk my life...we would use protection until he went to the Dr. and had an STD screening...it was embarassing but after about 6 months home, he did go get it done...and thankfully things were okay...so take care of YOU...
Yes, I told him he had to use a condom. He hates it, ha ha. Swears he used one with OW. He hasn't used one in 13 years. Oh, poor guy!. We'll see how it goes. Hope I can continue down the right path. I hear ya on the tired! I have 7 year old twins and was a SAHM for 5 years. I was always tired and he never thought I did anything, still does I think. Says I'm lazy. Whatever. I'll keep ya posted. Thanks. S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
My H asked me tonite why im trying so hard to get him back. I didn't really know what to say. I said i'm just being nice. He said what about the sex I said that too.??? We talked about what else bothered him about our relationship. He said I was boring, short tempered, yelled and messy. I said things have changed. H said people can't change. Really! I said Ive been working on things and he has noticed but doesn't believe it I guess. He has not wanted to go out. He says I'm boring and don't want to party. I want to go home early. I said not anymore but if we don't go out you'll never see. We waivered back and for and now seems to be open to going out. I don't think it will be this weekend he may take the kids to see his grandmother. H really makes it hard to follow the rules. I guess you just adapt to your sitch?? S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Ok, you've said you've changed. Now you have to show it with your actions consistently over time. It's going to take a while for him to believe it, so be PATIENT.
BTW, he's given you a great roadmap for your DB strategies.
Last edited by Nomopo; 06/26/0704:50 AM.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
We talked about what else bothered him about our relationship. He said I was boring, short tempered, yelled and messy. I said things have changed. H said people can't change. Really! I said Ive been working on things and he has noticed but doesn't believe it I guess. He has not wanted to go out. He says I'm boring and don't want to party. I want to go home early. I said not anymore but if we don't go out you'll never see. S
If these are really his issues with you, then you do have a roadmap of what you need to change. Change them for you, but don't pressure him to SEE the changes. Telling him you've changed is a form pressure and control. Let him notice the changes.
Regarding the boring part, maybe a little more indepedence, mystery, and detachment would be good. He probably has guilt and low self-esteem, and may wonder why someone would want HIM so badly (who would want him? Does he respect someone who wants HIM so badly?).
NAP... My H asked me the same thing...why would I want such a broken man???...I simply said because I fell in love with him many years ago and see him going through a tough time...I don't agree with how he is doing things but I still love "that man"...when he recently went to a counselor for depression and past issues she told him (without even knowing about the A!) "Your wife must REALLY love you to have done the things she has. Most women would have bailed on you a long time ago!"...I think this was a bit eye opening for him too... I had to snicker a bit too...my H said I was boring (when he had his mini-MLC), short tempered, yelled, and messy...funny thing is when he wasn't living with us it was easy to keep the house clean...now that he is back it is messy again...but since he hasn't been working and I am it is now HIS JOB...and he is seeing how hard it really is...he is even doing dishes for the first time in our entire married life!!! Yes, you do have to develop your own method when they start coming around...being very very careful not to fall back into the old routines...avoiding boredom: plan some fun and exciting things...even if they are in your own backyard or bedroom!...short tempered: if your like me you hear yourself and know when you are doing this so stop and appologize then give yourself a time out, he will notice!...yelling: sort of goes with the short tempered, start catching yourself, appologize, then change your tone and soon this will get easier to control and even your kids will notice!...and messy: well I am still working on that one but just find one thing that you can focus on and really keep it neat, then expand from there.... I believe he is saying "people don't change" so that he doesn't get your hopes up, can still justify his reasons for leaving (if it was possible for you to change he didn't give you the chance so now he would have to admit he was wrong...this could take time and he may never actually verbally acknowledge your changes either) As far as staying up late...I know how that goes...I go to work at 5:30 each morning (school bus driver, so I need my sleep!)...but I can make it out and stay up late once in a while...and he has to understand that...I just told my H either he accepted that or we switched and sometimes he had to get up with me at 4:30am and go do something I wanted to do...see how he would feel forced out of his sleep cycle!...but like I said, once in a while I can push myself to stay up till 11 or 12...and I can be fun...you still have it in you and I know you can show him if he gives you the chance...concerts are always fun, keep you awake, offer opportunities to dance and be goofy...and even have a few drinks to loosen up (but keep a designated driver or give yourself plenty of time after the drinks before you drive home) Top Jimmy makes an interesting point on what H could be thinking...but the point about "Does he respect someone who wants HIM so badly?"...I think my H respected that I loved him enough to be able to forgive him...he knew I didn't except what he had done...he also found out I didn't NEED him like he always thought!...it was a choice to work things out with him...based on our history...I knew he wasn't the MLC man deep inside...that THE MAN I fell in love with at 15 was still there somewhere...
So take it slow and easy (good for you on insisting on condoms! my H was an idiot and used NO protection and she already had 4 kids...dodged a big bullet there!)
As far as my husband questioning my love or why I want him? He said something a few weeks before HE left. I went out with is friends and got pretty tanked and came home really late. The next AM he said why do you put up with my when I am such a F**k up. I said I love you. I am getting that he is confused, suspicious or being tricked. Because of the way I have been acting now. He has said why are you doing this now. I say for myself and the kids. HE said he is so happy to hear that but it's too late for us. I try really hard not to say anything. In the past I'd say you don't know that. Now I just leave it alone. As far and commenting on what changes have taken place. your right Lin, he will not acknowledge them. I have lost 35lbs which I have wanted to do FOREVER and he has never said a thing. Keeping up with the house and the yard I know he has seen but again doesn't say. When he left and we went to the C he said he left because the house was too cluttered and a mess. That and we fought. She was a little confused about that but that was all he kept saying. So yesterday when he finally opened up and said I never wanted to go out, party or stay out late with him and I was so boring. I was like, wow. Finally he is telling me. Maybe he really didn't know this until he started dating OW??? They would go out and do things and he would also go out with his sister. I told him that one of the reasons I would say I wanted to go home was because when we went to a party or bar whatever. As soon as we walked in the door I was invisible. HE would talk and dance with friends and not me. He said I would always make excuses. My feet hurt, I was tired etc. I said yes that's because I won't going to sit around and watch him. I should have just found someone else to dance with then, I guess. I told him since we have been apart. I go out with my friends all the time and we stay out late. But since you won't take me out you'll never know. He has been insistent he does not want to date me its over. By the time he left he was kind of open to the idea. My husband is pretty easy for me to read. He says NO but there is always some openings in his voice and words at times when he is feeling comfortable. I need to keep him there! We took the kids out to dinner last night after out long talk. H told s/d 7 that is was their uncles b-day this weekend and he was going down to visit G-grandmother. He asked them if they wanted to go. H looked at me and said what did I ruin something. (I think he was thinking about us going out this weekend cuz I said the kids could stay at H parents or friends) I just said no I was glad they were going to visit grandma! HE tests me I think, I know really! H has convinced himself that I will not make the necessary changes. H is always questioning it. I is a HUGE step that he is even considering going out with me on a date. I have to really be patient and calm. Somewhere, somehow I have lost all my pain and emotion about the OW and we even talk about her and what went on. He is very hesitant about that too. He waits for me to blow. Not going to , not there. The only time I get emotional is when we talk about us. meaning never ever and over kind of stuff. I'm getting better and he is much more considerate. If I start to have tears he will say please don't cry , I'm sorry I feel this way. HUGE HUGE change. before he wouldn't care at all. I see big progress with him. I don't know if in all cases but definitely in my case. Once the OW is out. However it can be done. They are more receptive to see YOU. One week ago.I would have said NOWAY NOHOW! and now I see a glimmer at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for all the help and listening to me babble. this place really helps. S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
oh, one more thing since my post wasn't long enough before :)!
SEX-that was another issue. Boring. Those are my words not his. I asked him (I KNOW I HEAR ALL OF YOU!) how it was with OW. He said it was better than us. I was hurt sucked it up and thought he meant the things they did or whatever??? Wrong when they, or maybe just mine says that its not the act its the excitement. The last few times I have been in charge of the sex and really spiced it up. We have done it about 6 times in the last 3 days. Then is asked (I KNOW!) about it being better with OW and he said no not anymore! Better with OW meant not boring not necessarily better. Just a thought for others! So, if you question having sex with WAS and your not sure, in my case I took a chance because that was one of our issues. He definably likes it now and it has opened up or getting his mind thinking. In my opinion, you have to be able to control your emotions. When we would do it in the past months I couldn't and I'd cry and H would feel guilty and say not going to do it again. That wasn't working. As hard as it is, however you can, In my case I just woke up one morning after 5 long grueling months and emotion was gone!, you can't show emotion and you have to be in control. S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Yep...when I got to that point where I could discuss things without breaking down we talked a lot about OW and how she compared to me...there are still a few things on my list of "want to know"...but I haven't found the right time as things are going along okay and I am not sure I want to know really...I finally did ask if I was the best "lover" he had ever had...I was his first and only until OW...before he would mumble...now he says that I am definitely the best...
It is a shakey road you are on now...but it sounds like you are doing great...wiggling in where you can...and backing off where you need to...
Since we have been talking the last 3-4 days I haven't talked with HE. He is working out of town till tomorrow. I expect he will call the kids. I doubt he will talk to me. Usually that's the case. I by no means can say he has changed his mind about us. Just the lines are open and the is some hope.
Cant remember what I said about the sex. When I asked if she was better he said yes. When I asked yesterday he said now she isn't. I think he compares boring sex to new sex as being better. Not the actual actions that take place. Oh, I asked him yesterday if he thought about what we did last night while he as at work today and he said yes. At least he is thinking about it! Again, progress. I think until this there was only bad thoughts or none at all. Some say that a way to a mans heart is his stomach. In this case I think (hope) it is through his d**k. This is the only way I have been able to worm my way in. BORING NO MORE. Actually it is kind of fun. I do think though that it would be nice if HE would do or plan something exciting for me. In due time.
I still have a long road and I thank you for your help since out sitch are very similar. I keep telling myself about every hour to be patient and take it slow. He doesn't do well with pressure. This is why I'm (me) am not having any contact today to let him reflect.
I do hope he goes out of town this weekend. Even though I would like to have out first date. This would give us some space and me a weekend free. I think I have forgotten to mention. He thinks my Ex-H is trying to get back in the picture. He says he doesn't care but he has asked quite a few questions about he and I. Mystery, mystery! A little deceitful but?? Whatever works is how I look at it.
H did say I'm sure I will make you mad and you we will get in a fight again. HE really has no faith in me so I have my work cut out for me. He will watch everything I do to see if it sticks. Strange how a lot of post are the same. No faith in thier LB spouse. I guess if I were the one who expected my H to change and keep it up (which he has some things to do but later!) I would be skeptical too.
S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
