Yep, I felt I was on "display" all the time and being watched for any little infraction...actually I was called on every little regression I did...it was a good thing for me though because it helped me keep myself in check...no falling back into the bad habits...
I also was greatful that H didn't just think about all the bad times...it was a while before he "remembered" the good times....it was over a year before he could tell me he loved me even though he said he was back and committed to making it work...of course that took several months too...he also said he never thought about me when he was away...never missed me...in fact he still doesn't miss me because he knows I am coming back from where ever I am...he is definitely a different person...
I also had/and still do most of the "initiating" any fun activities or sexual advances...he is very isolated most of the time with his emotions but once I reach out to him I do get a response...but this took time too...
It is a long road...I have been on the road to recovery for about a 16 months now...and while we have come a long way...I do see a long way to go...tonight was one of those times...I still have to wrong all the time if we have a difference...because his issue before was I always had to be right...so for now I let it go...pick my battles...and let the rest of the stuff go...
Like I said...it sounds like things are going in a positive direction...my H would call for the kids and not talk to me...that is pretty normal I think too....but I do see a lot of positives...a lot of things that were very similar to our situation...so just hang in there...if I can help at all just ask...it helps to follow in anothers footsteps through the snow then to find your own way and risk freezing to death...so I am here if you need me...but I think you are doing an awesome job of DB'ing with a tweak for your own situation...
Again thank you so much for you words. It really is helping me. I need to be Rip Van Ripple and go to sleep for a least a week. That way I can give him no contact & he might miss me & I can keep on my plan. Through all this I have never had no contact longer than 2 days. Of course there was the OW so he didn't notice or matbe he did but liked it. I want to try to give him some alone time. He has never been alone & I think he needs it. He picks up the kids tomorrow pm. I will try to have them ready and send them out the door. But then again, if he comes in and is affectionit I won't turn it down. He did make the first move the first time. It hasn't all been me. I'm happy for that. He also hasn't shown any guilt which occured all the time before...softening??? Thanks again, S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
You are so welcome...I am very glad to help anyone going through anything similar to my experience...it can be so very confusing because you never know when or if they are coming back and had I just followed my H's "signs" I know I would be divorced by now and probably moving on with someone else...or at least not even seeing H as I think he would have managed to drink himself to death by now if he was still on his own (he is now being treated for alcoholism, severe depression, and diabetes along with a few other health issues that he aquired while gone....he is doing well with all of them now though but even the doctor said he could be dead by now if he hadn't stepped it up and started taking care of his health)....
I would say he is softening....like I said, my H was very set in making sure I understood that we were never going to live together again...and he kept that up until about a month before starting to come home...of course with him sex was not an issue and it was only after he had expressed "desire" for me that he actually started to make those moves home....and of course he was drunk at the time and says he doesn't remember much...so I nicely filled him on his appology to me, his feelings of guilt and worthlessness...and my acceptance of his appology and my confirmation that if he wanted to he could be worth anything...that was our beginning road...and it was rocky and bumpy for sometime mostly due to his drinking...
I never really had to "go dark"...H would disappear for months (upto 6 at a time) with no contact...no money sent for support...no return calls to our young son...no answer to emails from our son...basically I would begin to wonder if he was dead or not...it was hard because I didn't know and he really was showing me that I was going it alone...and like your H, he had never been on his own...he got kicked out by his alcoholic father after his grandmother died and he came to live at my house in a trailer parked in the driveway...my mom became like his second mom...when I turned 18 we got married...so really neither of us had ever been in the world alone...when he left me and the kids he left us with my folks...as soon as I could I got a job, my girls got jobs, we figured out our budget and got an apartment...this is where we still are...even after the fact that H said he would not live in this apartment because he didn't like it here....he hasn't asked us to move out yet and seems quite happy with the living set up now....
In a way I think the fact that your H seeks affection from you says a lot...especially in his state of confusion...he is finding himself but knows where he feels good...and with OW out of the picture he only has one "feel good" place to go...my H felt good with a bottle...so even after OW was gone I had to compete with the alcohol(when alcohol is the OW she is everywhere)...and there is no way I could make him really forget like a bottle of vodka could...his health was really being affected so I had to make a hard decision...I told him he would have to leave if he was going to continue to drink because I would not allow him to expose his kids to the life he grew up with...not even a tiny bit of it (he was also sexually abused and grossly emotionally abused as a young boy)...he did good for a while and then tested me (or the bottle, not sure which)...so I called 9-1-1 and had him taken to the hospital...he went into treatment the next morning....he had one slip and I again had him taken to the hospital via ambulance...the first ER doctor told me that I had to stand my ground or he would walk all over me....I did stand my ground and now he is almost 7 months sober...or 10 with one slip off of the wagon...either way he is now committed to stay away from alcohol and take care of himself...that always had to be his decision...mine was if he chose the bottle...he moved out...it was scary but I knew for my children that I had to be strong...
My point in this rambling is most likely if your H comes home, he will come with baggage he didn't leave with...and you will have to pick your battles...sometimes, even when you feel like it might make them leave again, if it is important enough to the family's well being...then you have to be tough...just a head's up so you can keep working on that patience, temper, and fun-loving new you no matter what happens...
Before I would have begged and pleaded...done anything including helping him hide his drinking from the kids...the new strong, but loving me, will make sure he gets the help he needs but I won't walk on egg shells like that again...
In the beginning I thought I was the only one that was making changes...how unfair was that?...I was the one that stood for my vows....but now after several years of my changes standing as proof of who I am...he is starting to change...
It is a long, winding, bumpy as hell road...but it does smooth back out into a normal marital path eventually...just keep going with your gut, mind, and heart....and hang in there...
My H too has his battle with the bottle. HE has a big family background of alcoholics and I do too. We have had many fights about it. He is mild compared to his brother and my father & step father. Actually he has been pretty good since he left. Stress really brings it on though. Funny thing as much as he knows how much I hate it, I don't really think its him but the childhood memories, he has come over here several times after being at the bar. Wanting sex saying he still loves me who knows what could happen etc. The next day doesn't remember any of it. Says sorry he said all that it wasn't true. HE is not an every dayer. He gets really drunk once or twice month. Has a few beers everyday. After went to C I understood how I was treating him because of my Fathers. I am a lot more tolerant of it now.
I do have to say my H is somewhat of a follower. If I am nice he is nice and visa versa. But then I have to say my moods do the same. If he comes home grouchy I become the same or I try to make him happy and he gets worse. I am learning now to ignore him when he is like this and that is better and what he wants. guess that if I do all the changes now he will follow. At least that is what the books say. So I guess I'm not worried about doing all the changing. It will be worth it in the long run.
Yes, I am happy that he seems to need affection from me. He has been doing this the whole time. If I give him a hint or opening he will come in. Except the drunk nights those he was all on his own. Again, he has always been like that when we fought. He would never know how to approach me I would have to start and he would then join in. Not sure what all this means..As far as now I am opening the door and seeing how it goes. We will see what happens today when he comes back in town. He is supposed to pick up the kids. I have to really try to be a little distant with him. In the past he has said that I am too much. Meaning I don't give him space. We talk too much or whatever. However, that was when the OW was in the picture, so??? But I am trying to give him space as HARD as it is. I'm so not good at this. I will be writing a book on patience by the time I am finished.
We will see what happens tonight. I just have to keep telling myself TAKE IT SLOW. Don't expect anything. I think the big key will be if he ever takes me on a date. He along with never ever will we be together again, would he ever take me out on a date. So, with him saying maybe the other day. When I told him that the new me can be fun. He'll just have to take me out. He didn't say no, well maybe at first, but then said maybe or I'll have to see for myself. Is a huge step forward. The other thing I have to do is keep the duct tape on and don't let him get me mad if he says something I don't like. I am thinking that they really don't consciously try to test us but they do. I don't think they say I'm going to try now and see. I think that they view the results after. Usually you don't hear if it is good only BAD! I guess I am just thinking things out on paper :}. Well I guess that is it for now! Take care, S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Wow your case sounds so similar to mine...H has a huge family history of alcoholics...I have a few...he also wasn't ever an every day drunk but once or twice a month...believe it or not this just about did him physically...the not remembering is called a "black out"...that is not a good sign if they really are being honest about not remembering...the doctor told my H that he was on a fast track to destruction when he found out about the black outs...
I could pretty much have written what you just posted...I did attend a few Al-anon meetings to learn to deal with his drinking and to realize that it wasn't me...nor could I change it...but I could control how I dealt with it...and I didn't have to accept it...we had many an argument in the past about his drinking...he would have long spells where a few beers were fine...then something would trigger a good drunk in him and it was all down hill...at the end he finally admitted that he was losing control...that once he started he could no longer stop at 2...and that is why he will never be able to drink again...he seems fine with that...doesn't expect me to not drink...actually he just says he will be my designated driver from now on...
Okay...well just got home from work and need to get dinner finished...
take care...and I have some duct tape if you need some...or need help applying it... :-) Lin
NAP - some great things going on in this thread between you and IL. Really helpful to all of us. And oyu sound good, and do think H is softening. But it will take lots of time (I think) so keep that patience. And expect ups and downs. You're doing it, so keep on keeping on!
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Well he came over for dinner after he got back. His attitude was still good. Asked about the ex husband I kinda played it off. The more mysterious the better I think for now. HE is playing soccer with the kids right now.
I am sure there have been many black outs over the years. I just haven't been where I am now and asking him why he says things to me and not mean it. Like getting back together. I have not been t any meetings. My BIL did for a long time and was sober for 2 years. Then started drinking again. He was pretty bad for a while but his wife is Mrs. Hitler and keeps him in line. I just haven't been that successful. But then again my H wasn't like BIL he was BAD. My H knows there is a problem bt tries to deal with it himself. So far he has been okay. I'm really glad/suprised he didn't go off the deep end. I'll let you know what happens tonite. They are coming in. S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
My H also tried to deal with it himself...and I thought he was doing pretty good till the doctor pulled me aside when I had him taken to the ER when he got drunk and I didn't want him in the house...that is when the Dr. told me that my H was really an alcoholic...you don't have to drink all the time to be one...
As for saying things they don't mean...well it goes both ways I think...my H would say mean and ugly things and then other times, especially when we were reconciling...he would tell me he loved me, had always loved me, and really exposed some deep feelings...later he admitted that those things were more true then not but that when he was sober he couldn't tell me those things because he was trying to protect himself and me...
And as for Mrs. Hitler...well sometimes it works...I went that route for many years...I called when he could drink, not drink, what he could drink, how much he could drink...then after he had decided he was leaving he quit following my "orders" and did as he pleased...it did work for most of the 27 years we were together...but one thing I learned is that you really can't control someone else's drinking...you might think you are...but your not...what you can do is set boundries for yourself...if they want to be with you, then they stay within those boundries...realizing that it is something they have control over...that they have to do to have a successful, happy, and balanced life...
His brother is a really bad alcoholic....5 marriages later and I don't know how many years in jail/prison and he lives with his mother and is supposedly a reformed born again Christian...but still keeps a bottle within reach...I think he would suffer seizures if he tried to quit on his own...
I do wish you the best...and your H too...really you have to feel sorry for them being so lost and beginning to realize how screwed up they been...how many people they have hurt...like I told my H...you can buy all the things you want, drink all the drinks you want...but if you don't have the people you love and who love you what have you got???
NOMOPO...glad you are getting something from this...it is just amazing to me that there is someone so close to my situation...when all this was happening I really thought my H was beyond MLC...and I really thought my situation was so unique...I now have learned that is not the case...sad but true facts...
I'm too; glad if someone gets something from this. Sad but true it's what it's all about! Along with me too! Thank you.
I know by H is a real alcoholic. He knows it too. I hope someday he will see the need to do something. I do know it has to be their choice. As far as my BIL oh, I know his W can't keep him under control for ever, I hope they can do something about it.
Well, last night my H ate dinner with us and spent the night. We ML. We did a little talking. He said that he didn't care (I guess he feels he has no right) about me being with my EH. HE thinks I am and at this point I’m going with it. He said admitted he was jealous. WOW! Huge breakthrough. He knows he can't do anything to stop it know..He seems very receptive about coming over here. Doesn't really hesitate. He was really tired last night and put both kids to bed and fell asleep with each one. I kept having to go and wake him. He said he was going to go home and I said he could stay the night since he was working with my neighbor @6am. He said and you want to ML and you have done it with me so many times when you didn't want so I will. OMG I can't believe he admitted to even knowing this..I said we dont't have to your tired you can go home. He said no he would stay. Put up no fight like usual and that was that. I don’t know I'm trying to think and be cautiously slow but things just keep coming out. I still in no way think he's on his way home yet if at all. It just seems to be going a little faster than I thought. I even bring up in my conversations (probably shouldn't) about other people. Like what if you are with someone else what are they going to think about me? He said well we aren't dating its just sex. It's so weird how we can talk like this. I said it doesn't have to be like that. You are supposed to take me out for our night out. He said ya. I feel like I have to still act as if! I don't expect us to get back together. He does choose and has chosen his words very carefully. He will talk about things if I initiate it. Doesn't seem to mind or open up but I have to start. That's nothing new though. I know there still a long way to go. He doesn't kiss me hello or good bye. Funny though he stared to when he said he was going home last night. Oh and he said that he had been thinking about our sexcapades while we were gone. I know or think I should say it confuses him. He said he never thought he would feel like that again. Right know I'll take lust over hate :}.
He said that he and the kids were going to go to Fresno (ugh) for the weekend. Glad for that. The more the space the better. Forced for me anyway. Makes it much easier..He said to that now you can go out with your boyfriend. Ha ha.
We'll see where it goes!
Take care, S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Me and my H had those discussions many times...w/out the sex part though...I think it is okay to send out feelers...at least he admits to thinking about you while he is away...my H said he never thought of me nor missed me...only the kids and he knew I would take care of them...my H's childhood really is a big part of this I think...I know...the abuse was one part but not ever feeling that "connective love"...his sister admitted that she married her first H (she has been married now 3 times)she married because of his family...it is what she always wanted...H admitted to me when I talked to him about this that he married me because of my family...he knew I wouldn't leave him...he has abandonment issues...funny, he was the one who bailed on his family and not me...anyways...he said he doesn't think he ever really loved me or knew what love was...but then again he says he never really stopped loving me....so see how confused they are???
When my H and I started reconnecting it went very fast...started to scare him a lot...I remember one time we were out after a pretty hot night the night before....I leaned to kiss him and he froze....I felt the vault door slam shut on me...but at least this time he admitted he was scared...he was afraid that he might not be able to fall in love with me again, that he might run away again, that he might fail his family again, that he might want to die instead of go through all what we did again...see how confused they are???...so I gave him a hug...and said well I have been here for this long...take your time (just NO OW, probably shouldn't have put that in there but I am not one who could share, just how I am)
It is hard to really read them at this point...even when they are "trying" to come home I think they are dealing with so many "what if's" that they are afraid of their own feelings so it is easier to deny them...your H is coming to you for a reason...and it isn't just sex...he could get that anywhere...he did before...last night he didn't stay because it was "his turn" to be nice...he could have left and he knows it...he stayed because even though he won't admit it he enjoys being with YOU...true, there may be no love right now...like I said it took over a year with my H...but the seeds are planted...just hold your course...you have history...his mind will remember...and it will start remembering more and more of the good times...although my H still has a lot of negative feelings about our marriage (I think sometimes he was replaced by an alien because I certainly don't remember the misery as he does)he is remembering and having fond thoughts...he even iniated the other night...I had to ask in the morning if it was his idea or if I was just sending out signals in my sleep because I do that sometimes...but I woke up to him touching me sexually...WOW...that was a change for him...and he told me it was his idea...he said "You weren't awake when I started so who's idea do you think it was?"...anyway, things keep improving little by little...
Take care...and enjoy your weekend...oh, and my H never got jealous and is JUST now showing signs of jealousy or concern if I am working late...
