Thaks Trip, sometimes I just don't know how to respond, and what she actually says is " we have never gotten along".
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Thanks Trip, that is an excellent suggestion because I had no idea how to respond when she says that, of course we HAVE gotten along, but I guess she's only remembering the bad times right now.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
One other thing, when I take the kids to see the movie tomorrow night, should I say " would you like to come along, or are going to go to the Southern Living party?" and if she says she's going to the party, I'll tell her to "have fun" of course.
Last edited by Dustin R; 06/29/0703:11 AM.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Trip's advice is good. It is the quickest way to avoid making things worse. Here is a longer answer that can help build a stronger connection with the other person. This takes much practice (and it is the dialogue technique from IMAGO therapy).
Also, before I get to that, it doesn't matter that she is forgetting the good times. That's selfish. That's about you wanting to be right. Don't worry about right. This is about your wife talking to you, telling you how she feels and what she thinks. If you focus on her hear, you will understand what she is saying. That is what she wants. She doesn't want to be talked out of her feelings or perspective. You have to let your self interest (in setting the record straight or in not be viewed so negatively) go. Make sense? That is key! Think about that. This is not about being right or historically accurate. It's about how you and W interact and changing your behavior so you two are close. If you learn this dialouge technique, I can promise you that people who come to talk to you will feel closer to you. YOU'LL BE A PROFESSIONAL LISTENER.
First, listen and make sure she's through.
Second, you can mirror at times, which means repeating it back to her. It's not always necessary, but it can help convey to her that you are listening. So you would say "so you're saying [or you think] we have never gotten along and we don't talk." Hopefully she will confirm. If not, you can ask, "Did I get that right?"
Third, you validate, which means you let her know that you understand logically how she could feel that way. Note it doesn't mean that you agree, just that you see why or how she could think that way. So, "That makes sense to me. I understand why you feel that way [or why you feel like we never got along or that we never talk]." You can agree if you do agree. "You're right, we did fight a lot [or too much], and it was terrible for us." Or "we didn't talk enough, and it was the worst thing [or a big mistake]." Importantly, if you really cannot understand how she could feel that way from a logic standpoint (and boy you better have tried real hard to put yourself in her shoes cause that's what listening is all about), then some people think you can take the next step which is to say something like "Can you expalin that to me or help me underdstand? Why do you feel like we never got along?" But hopefully you see how it would be much better to get it yourself rather than have her feel invited to list your 1000 past arguments.
Finally, after validating (think logic), it is great if you can empathize (think emotion). Empathy means understanding or seeing how or relating to the emotions she is feeling. If she told you her emotions just mirror them back. "I can see how that made you sad/angry/whatever." If she tells you, best to use the info she provided. You can go further and say "I can see how that might make you feel angry/sad/hurt/neglected/whatever. Is that right? did I get that right? Is that how it felt?" She'll either say yes, in which case you are done, or no. And then she'll tell how it felt (or you can ask), after which you will empathize ("I see how that made you feel that way.")
This is hard hard hard. It takes practice. Practice with your kids, your friends, anyone. You will have to practice with your wife. You'll make mistakes. I am much better at this now, but not perfect. For me, I get defensive very quickly and feel obligated to explain my intentions. Don't do that.
Note - if you can do this - IT IS HUGE!!!! IT WILL GET NOTICED!! Do it consistently over time, and you will blow her away. May not save your M, but will definitely get noticed and will make you a better man for your next R (with W or someone else).
Hope it helps! Nomopo
PS - One more thing. Unless the speaker says I need advice or what can I do, don't assume they want your advice or your solutions. Just listen. (This has always been tough for me too.)
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
One other thing, when I take the kids to see the movie tomorrow night, should I say " would you like to come along, or are going to go to the Southern Living party?" and if she says she's going to the party, I'll tell her to "have fun" of course.
Try "You're welcome to join us if you want. If not, that's fine too." And yes, tell her to have fun with the biggest smile you can muster. And then, as happy and excited as possible "Let's go kids!!!!"
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Thaks Nomopo, that's what I'll do. I'm still re-reading your thread by the way.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
