Slowly-- I also loved the quote about work in stone (I teach art, so it spoke to me--but I have always worked in 2-D!)
I am having a terrible time finding patience. Having been through this mess for 8 months, only to discover the PA now, has been so hard. I don't feel that there has been any work on the M itself, just waiting for him to decide if it is worth working on at all. I feel so in the dark.
I am going to try to go back through your old threads (I have seen you in visits to Nomo). I hope you may have a moment to take a look at mine and offer any insight you might have.
Since you have been piecing for so long, can I ask why you never shared the DB/DR methods with your H?
Hi Slowly, Just popped in on your sitch from Nomo's. Really drives home the idea of just how long and far I have to go. If you have a chance to read over my thread, would love any insights you may have to offer. Keep up the good work, I know it's not always ideal, but sounds to be pretty good!
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Is there an ex-pat community there that you are comfortable with?
Hi amd - Thanks for stopping by, I've been a stranger to my own thread And the answer is yes, there does seem to be a thriving expat community, in fact there are several and many nationalities are represented. But they seem to polarise between full time working people and stay at home mums, usually with kids.
As I work on project basis, I'm finding it a bit tough to fit in with either group. But we are making new friends, and our evenings/weekends are pretty busy. Nevertheless, I think I've pretty much decided that I want to be back in the UK as originally agreed. Lots to negotiate between now and then
Hi Donna - I hope your weekend with Still is going well. I cannot wait to hear about it
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
I am having a terrible time finding patience. Having been through this mess for 8 months, only to discover the PA now, has been so hard. I don't feel that there has been any work on the M itself, just waiting for him to decide if it is worth working on at all. I feel so in the dark.
Patience is the hardest thing, I agree. I used to mentally work up alternative scenarios to motivate myself. What if NG was hospitalised with something serious - and was incapacitated for 12 months - would that be easier? Certainly not For me, the EA was harder to deal with than the PA - I found out about the latter 2 months after he told me about the former. Because, with the PA, there was no more magical mystery left. No uncharted territory. But, I think this is a very personal process.
But remember, just because you just found out about it, and so it is new and a bigger problem, does not mean for him it is new and shiny.
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
Since you have been piecing for so long, can I ask why you never shared the DB/DR methods with your H?
Because this is my personal sanctuary. I told no one about his a. I saw with my friends how disclosure hurt long term healing, so chose not to share with any real-life-people. And I feel that my journey is a continuous one. So I want to preserve my privacy. It speaks volumes as to the state of our R though, doesn't it
I told no one about his a. I saw with my friends how disclosure hurt long term healing, so chose not to share with any real-life-people.
I should have stuck with this maybe as I did not say anything to anyone for a long time. Once I opened up, I could not stop myself, just like breaking a dam!
Anyway, this is a great piece of advice for those who have not yet crossed this bridge!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I told no one about his a. I saw with my friends how disclosure hurt long term healing, so chose not to share with any real-life-people.
I can't say I told no one when this all first started, I was taken by surprise that it just came out to one friend before I got my mouth shut. Now that friendship with her is not the same because she is 'so hurt' that I won't share current events. I am so glad that I have never shared with family and friends, although I am sure they suspect H and I have been stumbling thru rocks and have heard rumors too. Did you have that to deal with as well? People that hint around or straight out ask what's up? any good answers? I usually say even good marriages have roses with thorns and the strong people work thru the thorns.
Quote:
Patience is the hardest thing, I agree. I used to mentally work up alternative scenarios to motivate myself. What if NG was hospitalised with something serious - and was incapacitated for 12 months - would that be easier? Certainly not
I will 2nd that! it does not make it easier. H was laid up for 6 months and another 3 before he maintained stamina. It added stress everywhere. I will always wonder if that injury was the key to our staying together or the wedge that has kept this gap between us to be bigger and longer. But if I take that 9 months out of the calendar then it won't really be four years next month! boy do I feel better. Patience and time has been my friend.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi CK - Finally getting round to answering the question you posed a while ago.
Originally Posted By: C_K
Slowly I came over to look at your thread and saw the 2004 date and am thinking 3 yrs ! but then I notice you have been piecing a while.
I guess your M is still a work in progress ?
In all honesty, I must confess that the M is better now than it was 4 years ago, before any of this crap happened. However, I also see so many more areas where things can improve, especially the way in which I manage my own expectations, the way I interact with H, and the list goes on.
Back in my early days here, Betsey pointed out that we move from unconscious-incompetence, to conscious incompetence, to conscious competence to unconscious competence. I'd say there are still some days when I feel I'm in the conscious incompetent box
It seems to be a healthy outlook, rather than the complacency we used to have.
Hey, Slowly. See you mentioned the word "expectations" which is what I wrote about on My Blog today! Seems we are, again, on the same wavelength...
Betsey's conscious/unconscious-competence/incompetence neatly describes our fluid states of being. She's one smart cookie. One way I attempt to find equilibrium (not complacency, mind you) is to make everything an experiment. I test my hypotheses, and if something doesn't work three times, I revise my hypothesis. It makes the "incompetence" part a little easier to bear, as I'm really just testing...
Hope you are well. Are you stateside or back in the mysterious Orient?
And the answer is yes, there does seem to be a thriving expat community, in fact there are several and many nationalities are represented. But they seem to polarise between full time working people and stay at home mums, usually with kids. 
For me, the EA was harder to deal with than the PA - I found out about the latter 2 months after he told me about the former. Because, with the PA, there was no more magical mystery left. No uncharted territory. But, I think this is a very personal process. 