Hey all. I'm a bit new here as I've just discovered the SSM. I hope you can shed some good light/advice my way.
In a nutshell, my H and I are having a problem with sex so much so that now we aren't having any and I'm afraid we could be heading for the big D. On Easter he dropped the bomb that he didn't know if he loved me anymore because of this. Then a few weeks later he said he didn't even want to have sex with me. His feeling is that we have always had this problem (roughly 10 years) and I've done nothing to fix it while he's tried alternate solutions (toys, etc)
All the other aspects of our M seem fine. This is our one major issue. I really do love my H and I need to find a way to reconnnect to him. We haven't had sex for almost 3 months as we've had lots of hurt feelings - both of us. I feel like I'm ready to let go of the hurt and start over but I don't know if he is.
I've been reading the SSM book and we fit in there completely. What I need to know is how do I approach this topic with him? What do I do? Just be nicer and hope that things will fall into place? When is the right time to have sex after such a drought? Do I just follow Michele's advice and Just Do It? And what if he doesn't want to?
Comments? Questions? Anybody's who's been there done that please advise...
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
Hi. Thanks for turning me on to those discussions. They do help.
My H and I have been emotionally distant and polite to each other for at least 3 months. We just started talking more about our sex issue and his feelings being changed in the past week or so.
I don't believe there to be an OW, but my insecurities keep popping up. As a 2ndW, I can honestly say I've never known him to cheat in his prior relationships. However, I looked at his cell and noticed one listing called "important number" I'm still debating calling it or not.
H had a car accident yesterday (rear ended). Not far from home. Luckily there doesn't seem to be any injury. Made me realize how short life actually is. I don't think anyone wants to receive a call like that. Led me to give him a quick peck and say that I loved him before I left for work today. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not either. H just nodded and turned his check for the kiss.
I may have to take a page out of CM's thread and just inititate. See where it leads...the fear of rejection is strong.
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
His feeling is that we have always had this problem (roughly 10 years) and I've done nothing to fix it while he's tried alternate solutions I am not saying my situation is similar to yours but but as a man that has to bring all the heat to the romance/sex and experiencing many put-downs, I can relate to your H saying he said he didn't even want to have sex with me.
Sometimes for me, it isn't that I don't want to have sex, it's I wonder if it is more work, puts me in a position of being the recipient of more put-downs, than the good I think it brings to me and my W.
When is the right time to have sex after such a drought? Try to be his friend first. Having sex just to keep him might smells like second best to him and gets into the "too little-too late" problem area.
If you think it is all about a guy getting off-wrong! I will give you some fast information. For me it isn't only about sex. I want emotional connection too.
What are your beliefs about what you think sex is to guys?
Needlove, who was it who reduced and then stopped the sex? Was it him? Or was it you? (Yeah, I know, in problems of this nature it takes two to work together, and when it just stops BOTH people share in the "blame"...but still, who was the first to have lower desire? Who did most of the refusing and left the other to do most of the begging? You know what I mean).
If that person was your husband...well that is probably going to require more digging, counseling, etc.
But if that person was you...if you were responsible for the beginning of the sex dropping off, I can tell you from experience what's likely to be going on.
He loved having sex with you once. He probably would have liked to have had it a lot more often. But to keep the peace and not make you do anything you felt uncomfortable with, he accepted your "maximum" and compromised.
And then the sex dropped off even more. For whatever reasons. Maybe you decided the kids were "more important." Maybe you decided work, or your friends, or the housework, was 'more important." Husbands don't take kindly to having sex, one of the most important aspects of their life, put in second place behind things like running the vacuum cleaner or even the kids.
If he's a normal man, he probably put a lot of effort into trying to get things going again. Although it might not have been in a way that appealed to you. He might feel like he's been begging, like he's been jumping through hoops. Maybe you had times when you got started again, but shortly thereafter, you let things fall off again.
Guess what? Every time you reject him, every time the hope and promise get built up in him only to fall apart and leave him disappointed again, he gets a little less willing to keep trying. And eventually he gets to a point where he gives up, because the reward just isn't worth the effort anymore.
But you can rest assured of one thing. If his sex drive was there to begin with, it's still there now (unless you know for a fact he doesn't even masturbate anymore...and I suspect there's little to no chance of that). But he's not willing to let himself be hurt anymore. Your only way around this is to convince him that you really have changed, and that if he allows sex to resume, you're going to do your part to never pull the rug out from under him again...you're going to be the sex partner he thought he was getting on his wedding day, for the rest of his life. Just how you convince him of that is up to you, but that's what you've got to do. He's tired of being hurt, and he's not going to let it happen anymore. But if you can truly show him that you've changed your ways, his drive can and will return faster than you think.
This doesn't mean just running up to him an initiating sex. You won't get away with that at this point, because he won't believe you. You're going to have to convince him, really convince him, that this time it's for real. It's just like getting him to trust you again, after you've broken promises and/or lied to him many many times. Because, each time you let sex drop, that's exactly what you did, and it broke his heart, and he felt like Charlie Brown after Lucy pulled away the football. If that's the case, you've got a lot of making up to do.
It's not that I don't like sex. I've figured out through the SSM book that I am a low and he is a high. Part of my problem stems from exhaustion. I was working 6 days a week when we first got together and commuting 2 hrs to and from work. When I got a job closer to home after we married, it took me roughly a year to recover from it. I had the doctor running all sorts of tests (and they all came back negative).
Shortly after that I got pregnant (D4) and we bought and moved into a house. Then my dad lost his apartment and moved in with us. I also have two steps sons (16/18). No privacy in my own home which is small.
H thinks these are all excuses. I'm just plain tired. Still am as he works from 6-?? and leaves me with all the other stuff. Kids, house, etc. and my full time job. I don't really complain about it since I figure he's out there trying to make a better life for our family.
I do enjoy being with my H. However, I don't think I am an overtly sexual person. I also don't have much in the way of sexual experience as I waited until I was firmly engaged to my H before we had sex (H was my one and only). I waited because trust was a big issue here for me as I have my own abandonment issues to deal with.
With the big D looming over my head it was like a wake up call. Bleep or get off the pot so to speak. Hence, the research which led me here and to the SSM.
So are you saying perhaps I should "start dating" my husband and see where that leads us?
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
I see the point and I think you are both giving good advice here. It's not like I was out partying or whatever. Fact is I hardly go out at all and if I don't I usually have the kids in tow. If anything I make sure he gets to go out (with his buddies) while I stay home.
I know I need to "prove" that I'm willing to change, it's the going about it that I can't figure out. I don't want to pressure him, but I want him to know that I'm trying to work on this.
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
But you can rest assured of one thing. If his sex drive was there to begin with, it's still there now...
Shortchanged, I sincerely hope this is true. Are you a been there done that type? If so how did it switch? If not, any advice on how to take that step?
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
If you want to save your marriage you are going to have to do something about that.
You are going to have to delegate some responsibilities, and you are going to have to get yourself to bed earlier. May not be easy, but bottom line is you're going to have to do it. The way your husband sees it, HE works all day too...and HE's not too tired. So just as he says, there's no excuse for you to be either. Sex is not a marathon run. Getting "strenuous" with it is optional, not mandatory. There's no reason just being "tired" should make it impossible for you to do so much as lie back and enjoy yourself - and let him know you appreciate being close to him in this way - even if he does most of the "work." When it comes to sex, in the eyes of husband, "tired" simply doesn't cut it as a reasonable excuse for a wife to make, and I don't care if she's got 15 kids.
Now, how do you prove it to him? You talk to him...outside of the context of sex. You perhaps "suggest" some of the points I've already made, and ask him to confirm it. "Have I rejected you so many times that you've given up?" "I'm sorry - REALLY I'm sorry." You've got to get him to see that you know you've hurt him, and that you really do miss him (yes, you honestly do, because you wrote this thread about trying to reinstitute sex in your relationship). And you know it's going to be hard for him to believe that...and that you're going to have to show him.
To just rush up and initiate sex would pressure him. He wouldn't believe you, he's likely to just push it away. You've got to show him that you really care about how he feels, that you understand better now how sex really is important to him, important enough that the way you shrugged it off as something you were "too tired" for was inexcusable and you know it and you're not going to do that again.
And if there are specific things that you can tell him that would help you not be so tired....remember I said SPECIFIC...then tell him. The more specific, the better. Men think concretely, men think like accountants. You have to show him that he's going to "get his money's worth." Sorry if this sounds sexist - I know it does - but it's the truth. If his taking the kids for a Saturday afternoon would give you some time to recoup and you could promise him sex on Saturday night....then do so. And it's perfectly OK and justifiable to tell him that if he wants you to not be "too tired," he's going to have to do more of the housework even when he gets home from work, just like you already do. You can promise him sex if he does _____ (insert chore here) before you go to bed. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T BREAK THAT PROMISE. Even if at bedtime you really DO get a headache, you take an Excedrin and you grit your teeth and you go through with it. No, this doesn't have to be a permanent condition of the rest of your life, but certainly while you're rebuilding his trust. You're going to have to keep your word, get him to trust you again, that when you say you're going to be there for him in bed, you really mean it and you're going to follow through on that promise. "If you do the dishes Tuesday, we'll throw in a quickie then too." "Arrange something for the boys to do on Sunday that gets them out of the house, and we'll have a wonderful time here all by ourselves." You'd be amazed what a husband might do with motivation like that. Most of us truly will work for sex. But you have to do your part and make it worth his while, and that means consistently and reliably holding up your end of the bargain. Disappoint him too many times, and you'll be right back where you started.
It took a long time to get down to where you are now, it's going to take a while to get back up to where you want to be. But be consistent and be trustable, and you will.
But you have to do your part and make it worth his while, and that means consistently and reliably holding up your end of the bargain. Disappoint him too many times, and you'll be right back where you started.