I see the point and I think you are both giving good advice here. It's not like I was out partying or whatever. Fact is I hardly go out at all and if I don't I usually have the kids in tow. If anything I make sure he gets to go out (with his buddies) while I stay home.
If you're feeling run-down and overwhelmed, playing the martyr is a good way to make things worse. Trade off nights with him... you get away from the kids sometimes. And find a babysitter you trust and get away with him, if he's not too far gone to want to go fun places with you.
He wants to know how you're going to ramp up your sex drive and keep it where it needs to be over the long term? We're wondering that too. Running yourself ragged isn't going to do it. You need exercise, time away from the kids, and time alone with your partner, and if you don't get it, you'll be too tired to meet his needs or yours. If you do get it, you've got a much better shot at being an enthusiastic, energetic, and skillful player in everyone's favorite contact sport over the long term.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 07/15/0707:53 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I'm basically telling you what my wife would have to do to turn things around with me at this point. Sadly, she hasn't yet. She might, she might not. In the meantime I've resolved myself to survive on masturbation (which is all I had before I got married anyway). And yes, I've made peace with the possibility that that might be for the rest of my life.
Divorce isn't even in the realm of consideration; we love each other too much for that.
But as far as trying to work to fix things, I can honestly say I've been doing it all, for better than a decade now. I was in denial for a long time, and it's been a long time coming, but as of a few months ago I've made peace with the fact that any further efforts on my part would be futile until and unless she starts making an effort of her own.
Ok, here's my advice. JUST GO FOR IT. I don't know if I would even go home & apologize. Tonight, just go for it.
I never read the SSM book, but what I've read here, I don't necessarily agree w/ the HD/LD thing. I read the DB books b/c at the time, my H was deadset on D. What I can agree w/ is the tiredness, the kids, work, housework, dinner, etc., etc., but if you want to save your M, you are going to have to put that stuff aside.
I can tell you that, once you get started, you will enjoy too. You will realize that staying up in the evenings, spending time w/ H, talking to him and then going to bed and totally opening up to him sexually will become second nature. You will realize what YOU have been missing as well. Also, if you are a little or a lot inhibited sexually, push it down and try things you never thought you would. After awhile, you will become more adventurous and realize that you actually enjoy it and it may just turn you on even more.
That's my advice. BTDT, although like I said, my H was deadset on D. I was "rejected" more than a few times, but then I knew what it felt like. I never knew that every time I didn't want to have sex that he was feeling rejected. He never told me this until he was to the D point. Anyway, that's old news.
Like I said, JUST GO FOR IT. It may take awhile for him to warm up to you again. He may reject you a few times. But, if you truly want to save your M, you're going to have to get down & dirty and work hard. Patience is also the key. Just keep loving him, supporting him and showing him these things.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I never knew that every time I didn't want to have sex that he was feeling rejected.
Dave Meurer ( http://www.davemeurer.net/ ) is a great Christian humorist who wrote an excellent article in a recent issue of New Man, a publication for Christian men. I'd love to copy his words here but unfortunately it's copyrighted material and I was unable to find anywhere on the Internet where it's already posted that I could provide a link to. So if you want to see it you'd have to find a library or something with a copy of the March/April 2007 issue of that magazine. But to loosely paraphrase as much as possible, Dave used the example of a wife asking her husband how a new dress looks on her, and his response is "fine." In his eyes, that was an acceptable response, he meant nothing "bad" by it. He said "fine" in the sense of, he's happy with how she looks in it, he wouldn't change a thing. But she thinks he might as well have told her it's barely acceptable, and off she goes throw the dress away and change into something else.
Then Dave uses the example of a husband suggesting sex, but the wife tells him something along the lines of, "Sorry, but I've got plans with my girlfriend in an hour." She doesn't see that as a big deal, but to him, she might as well have said she'd rather trade gossip about the neighbors than make herself one with him.
I did the best I could here, but trust me, what I wrote doesn't hold a candle to the way he worded it, and if you have interest in finely written humor, it would be worth your while to read this original article in its entirety.
So it's easy for each side to overstate the meaning of the other and create mountains where there weren't even molehills intended. Honest communication, and lots of it, is the only way to clear up these misunderstandings.
well it wasn't the turn around I wanted but I guess baby steps is where I would put us now.
I did go home and apologize. However, H has been avoiding coming to bed while I'm in there. So around midnight I finally went out to the living room to sit with him. He got up to do something else. Needless to say, I got up too. I went to give/receive a hug (not receptive initially) and told him I loved him and was sorry for my part in getting us to this point.
I was trying to change and there were things about myself that made me unhappy and asked that he be patient while I get through them. Basically, the typical female body issues come into play, I've come to depend on H for all my emotional and financial needs. In essence, I've lost myself as a person.
May be I do have a martyr complex. Thinking I can do it all w/o help (kids, live in parent, house, work).
The hug was better by the end of this "speech" and his tone of voice changed. It wasn't as harsh. We didn't have sex, but when I called him this morning to talk about a parenting issue he actually took the call (lately I've been dealing with voice mail) and he was nice about it.
I'm hopeful the sex part of our relationship will come back and I don't want him to feel like I'm having "pity sex" (his term). I may need to invest in a sex book/manual. Anybody got any favorites???
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
May be I do have a martyr complex. Thinking I can do it all w/o help (kids, live in parent, house, work).
Maybe you can, but you won't be much good for anything else, like sex or even your own basic happiness. Why would you go that route? To prove you can? OK, great, you've proved it, now knock it off and pay attention to your H. To be "ready" in case your H bails? You can cross that bridge when you get there. No need to run yourself ragged and make that disaster even more probable "just in case"; you know you can do it if you have to, but there's no real reason to do it now. Back off, let him help, ask for his help, scale back, do something to make time for your life with yourself and with him.
Oh yeah, and while you're at it, invest some of that time you're spending on your kids into teaching them to pick up some of the load. They'll grumble sometimes, but they'll be a lot happier and more confident being able to say they're able to do things and that they're doing their share of the maintenance of your household, not just being useless passengers along for the ride.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
You're stuck here in this limbo where your beliefs of what is fair, just and the way things should be and the reality of the situation are far apart from each other.
If you believe that someone doesn't truely love you if they don't blow you while you drive down the highway then they don't love you, by your criteria.
The criteria that you set is yours and you own it, I'm not going to try to convince you that it's wrong.
By your own criteria you have settled for less than what you want and continue to do so everyday that you breathe.
