I get that for men it is the physical portion. I think that's what attracts men in the first place. The whole Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus thing...
I don't think in a marriage the two are divorce from each other either. I do think both partners have to understand what each needs and try to fulfill those needs anyway they are able to.
In my particular case, I wish my H was more demonstrative outside of the bedroom. A touch, hug, kiss, etc would mean more to me than anything at this point. He needs to recognize that in part more of these types of actions may lead to a better sex life. And I've asked...
As someone with a low sex drive (H has a high) and I think as a woman there has to be some emotional connection. It can't be all about the act itself. Now, I'm not saying some hot primal sex isn't a bad thing. I just think in a marriage where two people are committed to each other it has to be a give and take.
As for my H, I'm not sure he's ready to accept I'm trying to change. We're being nicer to each other and maybe that's where we need to be. I'm suggesting a date this weekend to see where it goes. Last night H wanted to watch the baseball game rather than go to bed. However, he didn't sleep all the way over on his side last night either. And in a king sized bed I think that says a lot.
Baby steps...
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
I never knew that every time I didn't want to have sex that he was feeling rejected.
Dave Meurer ( http://www.davemeurer.net/ ) is a great Christian humorist who wrote an excellent article in a recent issue of New Man, a publication for Christian men. I'd love to copy his words here but unfortunately it's copyrighted material and I was unable to find anywhere on the Internet where it's already posted that I could provide a link to. So if you want to see it you'd have to find a library or something with a copy of the March/April 2007 issue of that magazine. But to loosely paraphrase as much as possible, Dave used the example of a wife asking her husband how a new dress looks on her, and his response is "fine." In his eyes, that was an acceptable response, he meant nothing "bad" by it. He said "fine" in the sense of, he's happy with how she looks in it, he wouldn't change a thing. But she thinks he might as well have told her it's barely acceptable, and off she goes throw the dress away and change into something else.
Maybe it wasn't posted until sometime after I did my search - I like to think I'm a pretty good Googler!!!
Now that you've found a link where it's actually been posted, I guess it's OK for me to just go one further now and copy it here without fear of winding up behind bars for copyright infringement! (Keeps fingers crossed)...
****
Family
Good Spousekeeping
A Fine Mess By Dave Meurer
"How does this outfit look on me?" my wife, Dale, asked as I was heading for the shower one morning.
"It looks functionally adequate and at least it gives you some protection from the elements," I replied. "The colors may be a bit mismatched and the shoes are almost comically wrong, but you can just tell all the other women that you have a severe vision impairment, so they may show you some sympathy."
At least, that is what she heard.
What I actually said was, "It looks fine."
I had forgotten, yet again, that my wife and I have completely different understandings of the word "fine."
To me, "fine" is a perfectly fine word.
When I was in high school and I said to another guy, "Man, that is one fine machine you are driving," it was considered a compliment of the highest order.
For Dale, "fine" is something the court imposes on people who violate a municipal ordinance.
By the time I got out of the shower, she had completely changed her outfit, including her earrings, purse, necklace, shoes and perhaps even her key chain.
"But you looked great in those other clothes," I said.
However, it was too late. The forbidden word had already been uttered and the offending garments had been banished to the darkest corner of the closet.
When my wife asks how an outfit looks, she is really asking: "Do I still appeal to you? If you had the chance to do it all over again, would you still marry me?"
Like most women, Dale thrives on affirmation and reassurance. They don't just need it from their husbands, either. Observe the way female friends greet each other.
A few weeks ago, my wife and I visited longtime friends we hadn't seen in a year. The minute we walked in, Becky gave Dale a hug and said: "Look at those earrings, and I love what you've done with your hair!"
My wife replied: "Those are the cutest shoes!"
For the record, I did not feel compelled to tell Scott his shirt was adorable. And he did not gush that my hairstyle made me look perky. Women are different and we have to keep reminding ourselves of that or we will botch it.
When a woman takes the emotional risk of asking her spouse to comment on her attractiveness, pity the dolt of a man who shrugs and replies, "You look fine."
Because I don't think like Dale, I have to keep practicing the habit of seeing life from the perspective of my mate. But that is also true of her. Because my wife is not a guy, she can sometimes be oblivious to what I am really thinking and feeling.
One day I gave Dale a big hug and said, "My love, can I interest you in a romantic interlude beneath the sheets?"
"Well, that would actually rank on my list somewhere between a tax audit and frostbite," she replied. "Why would I want to make love with you when I could go work on a craft project with one of my girlfriends?"
At least, that is what I heard.
What she actually said was, "Oh hon, I already promised Jeanette I would help her tonight with her daughter's wedding decorations."
Anytime a woman has to decline her husband's romantic overture, it is vital that the answer is not perceived as just "no," but rather "I can't right now but how about (pick a time that will work�soon)." Women aren't the only ones who need affirmation. Guys just need it in a different way.
Although we have been married for more than 25 years, my wife and I are still learning to communicate. We have found that it helps a lot to try to see things through the eyes of each other.
If you really work at it, everything will probably work out fine.
I mean, great!
Dave Meurer is our award-winning humorist and the author of Mistake It Like a Man (Multnomah). Visit him online at davemeurer.net
One of the most helpful pieces of marriage advice I have ever heard is this simple maxim: �Don�t live in the past.� For instance, one day Dale unfairly dredged up the fact that I once borrowed her vehicle and returned it with .00675 ounces of gasoline vapor in the tank. �It was so frustrating to see the needle below the E after you took that trip out of town,� she said.
�Dale, Dale, Dale. Don�t live in the past,� I said empathetically.
The past? What are you talking about? I went out this morning and the van was empty,� she replied, frowning.
�Exactly,� I said. �This morning is part of the past. We need to just move beyond the past. A marriage expert said so in a book.� Dale folded her arms and said, �How convenient. According to that argument, I should never discuss any inconsiderate thing you do because, technically, it happened in the �past.�� �Exactly!� I replied, delighted that she grasped the logic of my point.
�Dave, if you want to have a future that lasts more than five minutes,� she retorted, �don�t tell me again to not live in the �past� when you�re talking about something that happened several hours ago.�
I almost mentioned that she needed to work on her �anger issues,� but she was getting that twitching problem with her left eye so I decided not to risk it. There is nothing quite so volatile as a woman with anger issues who keeps living in the past.
Another useful phrase that will immeasurably help your nuptial relationship is this handy line: �Hon, I think you are in denial.� This line is particularly handy when you need to rapidly change the subject.
For example, let�s say that a husband is driving by an auto dealership and stops in just to look around. One thing kind of leads to another and, after all, the old rig was looking a little worse for the wear. So he makes an executive decision to buy a new car.
Wife: �You traded in your work truck for a brand-new Thunderbird convertible? Have you utterly lost your mind? The car is completely impractical and we can�t afford it.� Husband: �Hon, I think you are in denial.� Wife: �ME? You think I�m the one in denial? YOU are the one who just made a $48,000 impulse purchase, and you are accusing ME of being in denial? DENIAL ABOUT WHAT?� Husband: �Your anger issues.�
The real danger in responding this way is that a jury of her peers would probably agree with her. And if the jury were comprised of mostly women, they would probably not only convict you but also whack you with their purses as they filed out of the jury box.
But there is one final phrase that covers many bases, and it seems to work remarkably well no matter how many times it is tried. That powerful phrase is �I�m sorry. Will you please forgive me?�
The trick to successfully employing this phrase is that it can�t be a trick. You need to really be sorry, and you need to prove it by changing your offensive behavior. Your spouse�s forgiveness will be tied directly to the sincerity of your apology, which has to be backed up by positive and sincere actions.
Saying �I�m sorry� without changing your behavior is really living in denial.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
