CDM34 I never knew that every time I didn't want to have sex that he was feeling rejected. Feeling rejected every time isn't the issue for me. It is the general pattern that happened, where something or some reason, was put on the pathway to block my advances when I was interested in having sex with my W/BB.
I didn't expect to have sex anytime I thought about or wanted it. In fact, I kept my initiations to a bare minimum. I thought I was doing enough to keep the spark glowing w/o being a pest. It was all up to me to supply the positive component/steps and BB supplied the negative component/steps.
Many times I thought, “is this worth it?” After so long, experiencing unfulfilled expectations, it becomes more difficult to put in the effort to influence an event to happen.
The hug was better by the end of this "speech" and his tone of voice changed. It wasn't as harsh. We didn't have sex, but when I called him this morning to talk about a parenting issue he actually took the call That is great. No, sex doesn’t have to happen right away. The friendly feelings are more important for now.
We haven't had sex for almost 3 months How about establishing a minimum frequency and situation between the 2 of you.
[b] Shortly after that I got pregnant (D4) and we bought and moved into a house. Then my dad lost his apartment and moved in with us. I also have two steps sons (16/18). No privacy in my own home which is small.
H thinks these are all excuses because he sees ways around these issues for him and might think you should too.
Just some of my thoughts and experiences. FWIW. Your milage will vary.
How can you really love each other if she is not filling your sexual needs? How can you love her as your LOVER, when she is not your lover?
My mother isn't my lover, but that doesn't stop me from loving her. Other members of my family and close friends aren't my lovers, but that doesn't stop me from loving them.
Love involves a lot more aspects than just sex. If it didn't, believe me I would have left over a decade ago...Christianity or none!
I would rather be without sex for the rest of my life than be without my wife. And yes, I've definitely given that question a fair amount of pondering over the years. There's no longer a doubt in my mind about it.
H has been avoiding coming to bed while I'm in there. So around midnight I finally went out to the living room to sit with him. He got up to do something else. Needless to say, I got up too. I went to give/receive a hug (not receptive initially) and told him I loved him and was sorry for my part in getting us to this point.
Of course I don't know what's going on in your husband's mind, but can tell you what would be going on in mine, under the circumstances. Performance anxiety! He's probably been built up with resentment over this issue for some time, and under those circumstances it's difficult to feel aroused and confident about it. Many times the first time or so back after a prolonged sexual drought, I've had difficulties in that regard and it didn't go well (if at all). (But I have no problems when things are going well and we're in regular practice). This is why I so emphatically discouraged simply going up to him and initiating in an earlier post. (And no, I can see from your own posting it doesn't look like you did that. But he's probably still wrestling with some conflicting emotions. Give him time, continue to be positive. No need to keep apologizing...you've already done that. Just be supportive, be positive...and there's a good chance he'll come around, faster than you think.
Shortchanged- I just wanted to chime in and say.. WOW... regarding the statement that you would go without sex for the rest of your life.... Wow.. I defintately think you are in the minority there! I just want to commend you there aren't many people out there like that.
There's no way my H would do that!! Maybe not even for 2 weeks.
Have a good Day!
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Well I guess I am in the minority with SC then because if the alternative was to be without my H in my life, I would choose the no sex too (and I have pretty much been living that life for the past 10 years (only having had sex about 10 times in that time period - twice in the past 5 years)
But I am always hopeful that will change
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I would rather be without sex for the rest of my life than be without my wife.
You know of course that this is a highly fused statement. By adopting this viewpoint you are in some sense condemning your wife to a life without hot sex also. You are saying "I will work endlessly to promote and maintain our pair-bond at the expense of our sexuality. I would rather have you as a china doll in the cabinet of my heart than confront the perhaps dark and daunting or heart-breaking or simply depressing reality of your sexuality." or something like that. Consider the combination of Corri's saga and my saga (and that of my 2bx.)and the advice offered by NOP. There is something to be learned. Your desire to protect or "love" your wife is only superficially "selfless". There is a little chemical pump going off in your brain that is working in opposition to the one pumping the testosterone. I suggest that you gain the self-awareness that will allow you to flex the muscle that will turn off the flow or at least reduce it to a manageable level. It's not bad anymore than a free strong flow of testosterone is bad but it actually is the case that gaining control will allow you to prime and pump more effectively.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
In regards to the recent conversation, I must say I can live w/o my H. I just prefer not to. If our rolls were reversed and he was the one who had the lower sex drive I don't think I would love him any less. I'd be as frustrated as he is with me currently, but my heart wouldn't change.
I see how he interacts with his children, how he's always ready to lend a hand, etc and I love him more. My H is a good person with a good heart and that's why I love him.
Understand the value of love. The physical part, in my limited experience, can be great. However, if my H was suddenly incapable of performing the act it wouldn't lessen my love for him. I love him for what he is. That I think is the difference. To me, loving is emotional. The physical comes second.
In regards to my own martyr complex, I actually feel guilty if my H begins cleaning or lending a hand. Like I've failed. This is just one of those things I've got to get over.
I'm trying to teach my D to help. She's 4 but does have her own chores to do. My SS (16/18) are another issue. Any stepparent knows there is a fine line you have to walk. I've been told on more than one occassion to not involve myself. But in the next breath it's can you pick up so and so or do this for the boys.
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
There is a huge difference between someone who is incapable of being sexual and someone who chooses not too, goes elsewhere, is too hung up, who isn't because of relationship issues etc... The example of your spouse being hurt in an accident or being very ill and physically unable make love is a very different scenario.
MJ's reference to fusion is from the work of David Schnarch, "Passionate Marriage". He makes a convincing argument that the lack of sex in many marriages is not a result of a lack of closness but rather that the people are too close (fused) and cannot risk the marriage by asserting their own needs an opinions. In turn, the people become less and less attractive because at least part of our initial attraction to people has to do with their "otherness".
Yes -being a stepparent is tough. Does your H back you up in this role? Does he treat you as an equal parent or as a second fiddle kind of parent? This makes a big difference in how the kids perceive you. My H is my children's stepdad and my 15yo son usually asks him permission to do stuff instead of me. He also asks him for lunch $$, activity $$ and to drive him places. My H has worked hard to get to that point with him. He isn't quite there with DD10 but she still respects his authority.
In regards to my own martyr complex, I actually feel guilty if my H begins cleaning or lending a hand. Like I've failed. This is just one of those things I've got to get over.
I know just what you're talking about. We think fear of failure is going to motivate us to achieve at our best, but it rarely works out that way... fear of any sort gets paralyzing and exhausting if it drags on for more time than it takes to run away from a leopard, and we need other motivators to keep us running at full capacity.
Working with your spouse can be a lot of fun if you can both let go of fears, resentments, and notions of who's "supposed" to do what.
Originally Posted By: needlove
I'm trying to teach my D to help. She's 4 but does have her own chores to do. My SS (16/18) are another issue. Any stepparent knows there is a fine line you have to walk. I've been told on more than one occassion to not involve myself. But in the next breath it's can you pick up so and so or do this for the boys.
Getting the boys to help out isn't a question of parental authority. It's really a matter of expecting them to be good roommates. They're old enough to do their share of the housework even if they can't earn enough to pay their share of the rent. You should be able to ask them to pick up after themselves even if you don't have the "right" to check up on their homework or dates or whatever - you're not parenting them, you're just asking them for the same consideration you'd ask of any capable person who lived with you.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
To me, loving is emotional. The physical comes second.
You do realize that for many men, emtional love primarily comes from being physical. You can not separate the two, and trying to separate the two is a major problem in SSM's.
