Good for you in getting your post started again...
I just wanted to comment on the fantasy thing...you are totally correct in that it causes damage to relationships...it takes away from the person you are with...I know because my H got into this big time...I believe he is out of this now but really it is his "demon" to deal with...
I have been fortunate in that I am the type who has "real" fantasies...about my H...and then I usually would like to act upon what I fantasize about...but with his health issues of late that isn't too possible...but my yearning is for him and I keep the focus there...
I think to with the mind being such a powerful tool...like learning to eat healthy we can learn to think healthy...that is why I keep reminding you to focus on H...his good qualities...whatever attracted you to begin with...anything that is positive...eventually your heart will follow your mind...
Also, concerning your D and her knowledge of things...I think it might be worth your while to have a good heart to heart with her...express your remorse...express your admitance to making a HUGE mistake...but let her know that by her finding out it shamed you back to your senses...then let her know what you plan on doing...and how you have cut off communication with any of the men online...and that you intend on fixing you and then fixing the marriage...let her know how greatful you are to have a H like her father...one who is willing to give you another chance...and the time to heal...I think this will help your daughter understand...and I would also ask her forgiveness...I know for my D it was important that her dad did that with her...and she was a "daddy's girl"...it is really hard to explain the dynamics that take place when a parent disappoints a child in such a way...at least you can take solice in that you didn't follow through on your words...although to H and D that might not seem like a lot...I used to think that nothing could hurt me as much as the EA that my H had previously...I thought that had it been PA it would have hurt as much...how wrong I was...
I do hope you can clear things with her soon and start feeling like you can be a family comfortably...
I still think you should call the bank and talk to them about the overdraft charges...it can't hurt to ask (beg and plead)...I have done this in the past and after explaining the situation the person on the other end finds compassion for my situation and authorizes the charges to be reversed...this can be a huge burden lifted off of you in the financial arena...
Take care...know that you are doing a great job and hey...over a week now!...and counting...you can do this!!!
Thanks again Lin for your wise words. I will try to get the courage to take your advice. However, I know that timing is everything, so I will play it by ear.
Cire, good to hear from you too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi THanks for your post. I am sure it will help more than just me. Yes, I know your story and know you were almost a WAW so very valuable.
I have a question for you that I posted after your advice. If I can help you let me know. At this point, I dont think I have any good advice for anyone.
But I did want to say thank you for your time spent on me.
CVA
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I do hope the family gathering went well...it would be nice to hear from you on that as I do hope that you can heal your other family relationships soon...I think since these were the latest they are probably easiest to reconcile...and helps you on the path to your H...each healing is another step forward and you have taken many...your first was coming here and asking...no begging to find answers that would keep you in your marriage...
I have another busy (and hot) week ahead...This past weekend on my "time off" I had to bake two pies on Saturday because I was on TV yesterday morning for my prize winning pie recipe at our county fair...H spent the day with me and we had a blast...after the TV show we went to brunch at this new place we discovered about a month ago...it was wonderful...then we went snorkeling....walked around the tide pools, taking time to watch the fiddler crabs and the little fish swim around...stopped a few kids from poking at the sea anenomes...parents don't teach their kids about "life" and respecting it much it seems...then we walked around and went back to a Sushi restaurant that we had discovered last summer...had a wonderful dinner...then walked to an ice cream store and had the best ice cream before heading home...I had to bake a pie when I got home so as not to waste ingredients that I had left from the TV spot...so got that done...my D had made crepes for the first time while I was out and as full as I was I had to have one....raspberry and blueberry cream...she made them from scratch and boy oh boy were they good...
Sandi...make time to enjoy something wonderful today...you know sometimes we get on such a fast track that we forget the things that God created for our enjoyment...you will notice that even in my hectic schedule I took time to watch the crabs...and it was very enjoyable...I have taken time in the past to "really stop and smell the roses"...or even watch ants go about their work...OH...and yesterday while waiting for a table at brunch I was watching these little sparrows dust bathing in this yard...they were so cute...and it recalled to me a scripture I will share with you...I think you will find it encouraging...
(Luke 12:6-7) 6 Five sparrows sell for two coins of small value, do they not? Yet not one of them goes forgotten before God. 7 But even the hairs of YOUR heads are all numbered. Have no fear; YOU are worth more than many sparrows.
I hope you have a strong and good week...keep moving forward...you are doing a good thing and it will not go unnoticed!
I have no advice to give, i just want to say 'Thank you'.
I have been on a roll lately with positives coming from my DB'ing with my almost WAW. I think, though, I was getting far too ahead of myself. Something happenened last night that put things back into perspective and sent me reeling.
I have to stop thinking that after every positive, things are almost back to normal. I still need to give my W space.
Somehow you have brought me back down to Earth.....exactly where I need to be.
Thanks again.
Me 44 W 39 M 10yrs (together 13 years) one D 8 ILYBINILWY Feb 2007 Separated - 5th September 07
Will get there in the end. Will get there in the end 2.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
The advice your received about regaining those "in love" feelings for your H are good...BUT...they are really for later...you can't step up and be his physical partner until your head and heart are clearer of the other man...it is just now going on 2 weeks...you need to give yourself time to grieve this loss...to not feel that each day is a loss without him...to give your time to stop feeling that you NEED him...it will come...just focus on your H and his good qualities...work on becoming his friend again...this is the way back...you can't leap all the hurdles in the race at once...you have to take them one at a time and you can't skip any of them...
Hurdle 1: Getting OM diminished in your mind/heart (make sure and delete ALL momentos of him or this won't work) Hurdle 2: Focusing on your H's good qualities and really appreciating all he has to offer you Hurdle 3: Becoming friends with your H Hurdle 4: Putting your heart into your M Hurdle 5: Start making the move to a physical relationship with H...this will be a big a hurdle for you because of the time that you and H have spend neglecting this part of your marriage...but it CAN be fixed!
Sandi...journal your feelings here...post here at least daily to keep your supporters active here with you...you can do this...
Yea, I have some advice. You've never met this man I am assuming? I also assume he is miles and miles away. Isn't it funny how he just finds himself emotionally available to you time after time even after 4 months not talking to him. I can about guarantee that he is stringing several women like this along..... maybe 4,5 or even more. Who knows, maybe you'll decide sometime to go by where he is to give him pleasure. I'm sure you have told him that you are married. Wow, what a real go-getter. What a great person to be available and encouraging to a women who is married. How can you be attracted to someone who would want to break up a marriage? I can understand how things happen, but he should tell you not talk to him again unless you are unmarried or at least seperated. What scum! Listen, your husband didn't fail your marriage, you both did. It is never one person, it is the relationship. If you meet another guy you are going to end up in the same situation you are in now.
