yes, peers - where exactly does one find those in this day and age? I sound ancient, i know, and I'm not, but really, in this technical universe where does one find friends? I mean here we all are on-line, conversing, chatting, really being a help to one another but I think for a lot of us, it would benefit us if we could just go grab dinner together, or go to the beach, or a movie, or anything...goodness I am grouchy.
Ok. Positive thinking. Here are some ways to meet peers: join a book club join a gym go to the library do laundry at the laundry-mat join a softball team take a class at a community college
thoughts,anyone...?
(thanks light switch)
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Well, H left sometime in the middle of night and he has called me 8 times in last 4 hours. I haven't answered the phone, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do...I'm angry/disappointed/disillusioned that he would be so deceitful as to leave without even telling me. I feel like if he wants to speak to me he can come home and speak to me. I'm beginning to loose my nerve. I don't even know where he is. Clearly he's fine. He hasn't left me any messages and I'm sure he's loving his freedom. Why should I spoil it, right?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
If it were me, I wouldn't answer the phone. He knows where you are, and how you feel.
I wouldn't worry about him having an accident, or being in some distress, and I also wouldn't worry about him loving his freedom.
If he's calling you, he's thinking about you, and that's a start, I would guess.
I just dropped by this Saturday night to tell you how to GAL... since I'm clearly an expert--but I see how you're feeling, and I'll leave it alone.
If you are going to be on that couch for any length of time, I'd stop by the liquor store, the bookstore, and the drug store (for nail polish)--maybe a combo of the three. You can get lit, with lit, and do your nails. I think it's a completely acceptable way to spend your time, and you might even come up with some DB'ing insights.
You're going to get through this night. H is OK. Yes, he's crazed. But I still think he loves you.
Just to let ya know. It was a completely different circumstance with me. My W had the affair. But when I found out I just got in my old truck and started driving. I drove out to the coast and sat there for a few hours. Came home about 2:00 am. Just needed to get away. I'm sure that is what your H is doing. Trying to get his head straight. He is responsible for his own actions
Don’t worry; I would not answer the phone. Wait until he gets home.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I mean here we all are on-line, conversing, chatting, really being a help to one another but I think for a lot of us, it would benefit us if we could just go grab dinner together, or go to the beach, or a movie, or anything...goodness I am grouchy.
For a few days now i've been thinking that it would be great if all of us DBers got together for a big gal party, no spouses allowed. Then we wouldn't have to talk in abreviations. HAHA
I wouldnt answer the phone either Eidie.
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
Phew - what a crazy Saturday night and Sunday! I'll tell you all about that in a minute...
Delia - thank you thank you for stopping by! Great suggestions for an on-the couch kinda evening! And thank you for taking the time to stop by to offer suggestions for GALing. I'm definitely in a better place today and would love to hear what you have to say - when you get a chance, if you want. thanks!
H - you are right! He was just trying to get his head on straight and I think his little escapade worked - for the time being.
LS - LOL - THat made me smile.
Here's what happened: Saturday night around 9 pm H walks in the door. Let me set the stage for you so you get the full picture. I'm sitting on the couch, laptop on reading some posts here, METS game on the TV (I NEVER have the game on when he's not around, but I was missing him, so the game was on) I'm wearing huge oversized sweats, my hair in a crazy ponytail, glasses on (i always wear contacts) and I'm eating a bag of cheetos - orange fingers included...what a sight! So he walks in and our conversation went like this:
H: hello M: hello H: did you get my message M: no. (and I really didn't - he left it on my cell phone, not the home phone) H: I had car trouble M: silence H: I had to take a cab back from X (20 miles from our house) and left the car there at a service station M: silence H: I was trying to go to X (4 hours from our home) to talk to Y (one of the people I had recommended he talk to, to gain a perspective) about what's going on with me and the car broke down on the way. I had it serviced and decided I should just come home. But before I could make it here, it broke down again. M: silence. H walked away and went into the bedroom.
I know - it was a bad exchange on my part. I wanted to be nice. I wanted to say kind things. I just could not bring myself to do it. I was so upset and his arrival at home was so unexpected. I wasn't prepared to be affirming.
H goes to bed. A little while later I do too, in the same bed. You could probably have fit 3 additional people right inbetween us in our bed - we were both staying close to our edges.
Sunday: I get up, H gets up. I get ready for church. I ask H if he wants to come. H says he's thinking about it. (Translates to, I want to and now that you asked I know it's ok to come with you) No other conversation takes place until after church
On the way home: H: I got your message the other night. M: silence H: I was on the way to see Y because I thought he would be able to help me. M: silence H: Would you like to get some lunch? M: I don't have money for lunch and I'm not really hungry. (I don't know why I wasn't able to say yes. I just wasn't - i gotta work on that...PRIDE is bad!) H: oh. ok. I know I took a lot of money out of the account the other night. I have money for lunch. And I'm going to put the money back. M: Silence
The rest of the conversation from there is a little fuzzy - by then we were home and an argument ensued in the kitchen in which this is the jist: - H feels as though he cannot be honest with his emotions/feelings with me because I always "blow up" or get mad at what his feelings/emotions are. (well when H's feeling is to leave, what response am I supposed to have?) - H does not feel that we need full blown MC because we don't really have any issues - but he does think we need help with communicating (ya, think?) - I suggested that perhaps I need counseling alone to learn better communication techniques - clearly what I am accustomed to is not working and I really don't like it. My family is a family of volatile communicators and I don't like that. I have gotten a lot better in the last 2 years of our marriage but clearly have a ways to go. I would love to learn to communicate better - i think it would help me in all aspects of my life. - For H to admit that we have a communication issue is huge! I suggested that we go to Retrouvaille (someone on some post here mentioned it - and I checked it out - it looks good to me) - H spent some of the afternoon reading info on the Marriage Builders site - that is something he has NEVER done. - H said again that he cannot go back to work in the fall at the school because OW is there - H is still confused about his feelings for OW. I guess he still thinks of her a lot but he says he has not contacted her. He knows what he did (EA/PA)is inexcusable and he doesn't want to do that again. But he's struggling with the feelings he has for her.
What I learned about me: - I have some huge pride issues - I need to find a way to be affirming and loving and kind even when I don't feel like it - I need to provide an enviornment in which H feels comfortable to share things with me. I know I'm capable of doing this, because I have had success with it. I just need to figure out how to do it all the time.
We did end up going to lunch yesterday and we spent most of the day together. It was a good day over all. I'm really starting to understand that he is committed to this M and he just needs time/space to fix his mess. I need to GAL so that he can fix what he needs to fix without me hovering and without me worrying. That should be interesting!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
You said: "know - it was a bad exchange on my part. I wanted to be nice. I wanted to say kind things. I just could not bring myself to do it. I was so upset and his arrival at home was so unexpected. I wasn't prepared to be affirming."
Have you ever heard of the saying "if you can't say anything good don't say anything at all"?
You did excellent. You recognize your communication problem and didn't let the little voice in your head that was telling you to "blow up" take over. You have started the journey on self help. Great that you H was checking out web sites.
You are on your way girl. Keep up the good work. Go ahead and get the counseling YOU NEED. To make your self better the rest will fall into place.
But now you need to give us a better description of yourself. Without the orange fingers. LOL
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hey H - thanks for the encouragement. You're right. I really could have let him have it. I eventually did say something along the lines of "and how would you feel if you woke up in the middle of the night not to find me in our home?" He gets it. It could of been worse. It has been worse.
Thanks for talking me out of the pity party.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
We found out yesterday that my H's car (it was actually in my name and I owned it, but it was the one that he used all the time) is officially dead. The engine blew and there's no point in fixing it. I've had for over 10 years and it has close to 300,000 miles on it. We don't have the money to replace it right now so we're down to one car - good thing neither of us are working right now...(or is it?)
Anyway, today we had to go clean the car out and turn in the plates etc. H was really hesitant to do so today when I asked him, but after a little while he relented and we went to go take care of it.
We get to the station and right before he opens the trunk to begin cleaning out the car the following exchange occurs: H: You should know that I took the letters that OW gave me and I put them in my car (I found letters a year ago that OW gave to him, little notes and poems, etc about her feelings for him. I was keeping them in the glove compartment of the car I drive - I don't know why I kept them there, but I did. H came across them about 1 month ago and took them - I saw him do it from our kitchen window and he did not know I saw him - but he ended up keeping them in his car. I kept them in a small paper bag that she had given to them. He took the cards/letters and left the bag) M: Why would you do that? H: Because I wanted them. M: Well we should throw them away. Actually we should burn them. H: I'll let you throw them away or burn them. M: Me? Why should I do that? H: Because I want them. And I would never burn them. M: Well therein lies the problem in our marriage. You want to hang onto letters from your adulterous affair. (then something clicked in my head) You know what? Those letters are your letters. They aren't mine. The reasons why you hang onto them are yours. They have nothing to do with me. That A was your mess and it's your decision what you do with the memories of that relationship. I then walked back to the good car and checked the glove compartment and noticed that the paper bag was still in there. I walked back to the "dead" car M: So I noticed you left the bag they are in. So not only did you take the letters, but you did it quite deceitfully. H: Yes, I did. Me: well, I can't make you want to be trustworthy but I would think that would be a quality you would want for yourself. H; I'm sorry I did it. M: Well, it's your problem, not mine. I can't make you want to be in this marriage.
We proceed to clean out the car and as angry as I was I didn't yell at him or get angry or even have an argument with him. I think sometimes he picks arguments with me because he feels badly about what he is doing or had done. I would not let that happen. On the way home, he tried a couple of times to apologize but I told him that if he wasn't planning on changing his behavior there really wasn't a need to apologize. Apologizing suggests "wrongness" of behavior. If he wasn't willing to change his behavior then there was no need for an apology...and I said it all calmly and matter of factly and then proceeded to chat about the scenery that we were driving by.
I just wanted to post quickly...I'm going out for a walk - I don't know if i did right thing. It felt good, not sure of the out come it will have...time will tell.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I think that you're doing very well. You have a lot to be proud of.
You might want to spend some time researching the right marriage counselor, for when the time comes. You need someone with experience, because an inexperienced person can do more harm than good.
MC will probably remain a future plan, since you don't want to push it or even discuss it at this point. Ideally, you would remake yourself, and your habits in dealing with H, to such an extent that he himself wants the counseling, because he has become newly dedicated to the marriage.
I noticed that you're posting on other threads. I think that is a great help, all around!
