Here's my opinion. In light of the fact that you do still wish to reconcile your M, I think you will have to stay w/ the 50/50 since that is what you agreed to before. Going down to 40 or less for her percentage will not endear her to you. It will also tell her that she can't trust what you say because you previously agreed to 50/50. At the same time, I can understand how it will take a lot of pride swallowing to hand that amt. of money over to her (and essentially the OM). But you are going to have to give her some amount of money anyway, right? The difference in amount will be several thousand dollars, which is nothing to sneeze at, and you have to decide how important that amt. is to you.
If you weren't wanting to save your M, my advice might be different, but I think here you need to ask yourself, "Will this bring me closer to my goal or further away?"
Thanks H and Kat -- both good points and I really appreciate the feedback. Oh, and H -- W's R with OM isn't really an A (boy, lots of abbreviations there!) because they didn't start seeing each other until March (about 4 months into the separation and 2 months after I filed for D), so I'm not sure if their R will revolve around the same kinds of issues as A relationships do. However, I tend to think their R won't last anyway. Definitely just a gut feeling, but I don't think the rose-colored glasses will stay on forever. We'll just have to see...
Other suggestions...? (i.e. bump)
I'm getting ready to clean up and treat myself to dinner somewhere and then head to my Lindy dance night, so probably won't be back until late tonight or tomorrow sometime. Any further opinions, reinforcement of other opinions, etc, are much appreciated. Thanks!
First think of your kids...and what will be best for them. Since I don't have kids, I don't know the answer to this, is there anyway the money can be put into a college fund, or a fund that is only used by the two of you to help them? I know your feelings of keeping your inheritence to yourself...as my DB coach told me, it was my way of holding on to my parents a little longer. I did the same thing...I truly believe money is a blessing and a curse. I think you are so on course for talking with your DB coach, and then reading thru the posts....keep up your great work...hope you have fun dancing the night away! christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Ah, hell. I had forgotten about the sequence of your W and the OM (what can I say, I live outside of DC, edit a tech pub, and have a degree in Int'l Relations; I love acronyms. Woo hoo.). I would like to revise and extend my comments, then. OK, it's a rebound relationship then and not likely to last. I'm inclined to agree with you; seems too soon to me.
Regardless, my original point stands -- I think it's in your best long-term interests to stay with the original terms of the mediation agreement regarding the house.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
if it an a or not, its still too soon for w and in my view the r will not last. can't start a r in the wrong situation and expect good things. but her choice.
i agree about the house with the 50/50. if that is what you agreed to orginally, then stick with it. either way she is going to get a decent payout to buy a house, what she does with it is her business. i guess i look at it like this, your going to have to pay, might as well make it equitable for a few reasons. its another act of kindness if you don't make it hard for her, your both going to be coparents for the rest of your lives.
but like you said, you don't want to control her decision, don't give her any reason to look back and think gd did this and that is why it is like this. eventually her life will have a dark day and you want to be seen in a good light in her mind, not a dark bitter place.
I actually don't have to pay anything to W, since everything we have comes from my inheritance (except for her car), and by Idaho law inheritance money is not considered community property. In all actuality, I can basically leave her high and dry. I wouldn't do that, but sometimes feel like I should just go back and offer much less than I agreed to. However, after the posts here and talking with some old colleagues yesterday, I've decided to stick to the original agreement. I'm going to put in some type of stipulation though, which will state that the money that W gets cannot be subject to community property in the event that she remarries and Ds, because it is to be passed down to our kids in the event she passes away. I'm sure it has to be done/worded a certain way, but I think I can have it done in a way that protects her and my kids from losing half of what she receives.
Quote:
if it an a or not, its still too soon for w and in my view the r will not last. can't start a r in the wrong situation and expect good things. but her choice.
I tend to agree with you here, but at the same time I've seen these types of Rs go the distance too. Only time will tell -- just gotta keep DBing and making/showing changes.
W had the kids at daycare yesterday and they had called and left a message on my phone about something naughty D3 had done. By the time I had gotten the message and called back, W was already there and picking the kids up for the day. After briefly talking to the daycare owner about the sitch, the owner asked if W and I wanted to talk about how we should address this with D3. We agreed to, and when W got on the phone she says in a happy and joking way, "Well, it sounds like your daughter is getting into trouble again!" I responded in kind with, "Oh, I see! It's always funny to me that she's my daughter when she's being the troublemaker!" To this W gives her cute little giggle that she used to do when we were together (I miss it so much!). We then talked about what we could do to address the problem with D3, came to a decision, talked about some other stuff (see below), and then said goodbye.
The reason I bring this interaction up is because W hasn't joked like that with me since we separated 8 months ago, and only giggled like that once since then. In addition, that particular joke was always a loving joke that W played on me whenever our daughter was being naughty. I don't know if it says anything more than the fact that W is getting more comfortable communicating with me, but what I do know is that I sure liked it.
During the phone discussion, W also asked me if she could drop the kids off with me early in the morning because she had to work really early again. I instead offered to pick them up so she wouldn't have to waste 40 minutes of time driving, and the kids could also sleep in a little more. She asked if I was sure, and I said, "Yeah, that's fine." So we decided on me being there at 5:30 to pick them up. When I got there I was friendly and upbeat, joked with the kids, offered to take all the bags to the truck so W didn't have to. W said thanks a couple of times to the fact that I came there to get the kids and saved her some time, to which I replied, "Sure, no problem." I finished strapping in the kids, and we all waved goodbye to W as I drove off.
I felt good about all of this, and actually met one of my goals: "W will laugh and do her little giggle at times when we communicate -- to show me that she is comfortable when around me."
