I do so much look forward to some good, healthy intimacy in my life again!
Something Beautiful
by Newsboys
I wanna start it over I wanna start again There’s a new beginning One without an end I feel it inside Calling out to me
IT’S A VOICE THAT WHISPERS MY NAME IT’S A KISS WITHOUT ANY SHAME SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL LIKE A SONG THAT STIRS IN MY HEAD SINGING LOVE WILL TAKE US WHERE SOMETHING'S BEAUTIFUL
I’ve heard it in the silence Seen it on a face I’ve felt it in a long hour Like a sweet embrace I know this is true It's calling out to me
[Repeat Chorus]
IT’S THE CHILD ON HER WEDDING DAY IT’S THE DADDY THAT GIVES HER AWAY—FATHER SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL WHEN WE LAUGH SO HARD WE CRY OH THE LOVE BETWEEN YOU AND I SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
Thanks for checking in to send along your well-wishes. We've been on here quite awhile, you and I. I think I will be happier this way, and one day soon, I'll have you saying....
Thanks for the well-wishes. I could definitely relate to that "nice guy" post, and that whole concept is something I'm doing a lot of self-evaluation about. I HAVE been "the nice guy," instead of the manly leader that I need to be. However, as you note, sometimes they SAY they want that, but then they do everything in their power to sabotage the very behavior from you that they claim to want.
I guess the key then is to push thru that, and do it anyway, and not be "looking behind her eyes" every step of the way to make sure we're doing things OK.
Choc, When you first find out, #3 is all you can think about. But as you go thru it, the disrespect and the deceit/lack of trust move to the top. Marriage is hard enough when you DO trust someone, but you just have issues to work on. When you don't trust them, don't love them anymore, and rarely even like them, it really is time to move on. of judge and jury role.
It isn’t that I’m trying to say I told you so, because I think it is easy to fire someone up, get them angry, guide them to step into their own sense of power and then swing start swinging that ax. Empowerment always feels good. When someone feels like they have been walking on eggshells for years, that sense of liberation is truly like lifting the weight of the world off your shoulders.
But what I have found is that it is still the easy way out, not as easy as staying in your old rut, avoiding responsibility, going back to old roles, playing martyr, etc., but a lot easier than the work it takes to transform a relationship and grow beyond the anger and resentment.
I’ve been where you are now and it does feel good. But your current path will still mean the end of your marriage. Maybe that is good. I don’t know. Maybe finding someone else will be better. Not sure about that either. But I do think that even for you the best outcome would be to have a healthy, recovered relationship with your wife, with your family intact and the history you two have shared together. It might well be that this is the only way to get there, that by divorcing, you two can come together later. Don’t know. Just don't get caught in placing the blame for your break up on your wife and her infidelity.
IMO, your statement about how you feel toward your wife is only valid for today. You are empowered now and I think you may feel like the world has opened up to you, which it has. But that does not mean the lack of feelings you have toward her now can’t turn around completely in the future. It was for your own lack of assertiveness (not blaming, just acknowledging that they were due to your own issues) that you allowed the world to become closed off to yourself. So think twice about rejoicing that you have somehow lifted this burden that your wife placed upon you. That's why I think basing such a decision as divorce on how you feel today will be misleading for how you might feel tomorrow.
1. Her disrespect of me;
2. Her deceit to me and our immediate familiy;
3. The actual affair itself.
All of these things are valid points. They are also only half of what happened because I suspect she could make very similar accusations of you, though with her own twist to it of course. So you have no regrets now. Now one ever does. Regrets come later, only after we have learned enough to look back and see the other side of the coin.
I'm not trying to blame you for filing, just trying to tell you that there is still a lot of hard work ahead. I suppose one good thing is the improve mental attitude and the self confidence you now have which will be an asset later, with someone else or in reconciling with your wife. My point is that this sense of confidence did not have to come about via divorce. There are lots of other ways. You did not run out your options yet. You just thought you did.
You may be surprised at how well your kids will do. Mine have done VERY well. Sure they wish that our family was "intact" but since I have stood on my head to be cordial and respectful to their Dad and facilitate visitation no matter what the issues were between us - they have done fine. No one started failing in school, becoming promiscuous, doing drugs, becoming social misfits or basket cases of any sort. They have some lingering sadness sometimes. Well, all of us have some lingering sadnesses to learn to handle. They will be ok and so will you.
I know that was an incredibly hard decision, and I know you exhausted all other options for yourself. Its been a long time in the trenches for you, and things will probably not get any easier for awhile. Take heart in those you know who have made it through a D and come out better persons. I have faith in you. Your kids are benefitting greatly from having a dad who cares about them so much.
Be well, Chrome
p.s. I also hope that MrsChoc will make it through the hard times she is going to have, especially when she wakes up and fully realizes what she has done. Hopefully she can get her stuff together enough to be a good mother at least.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Best of luck to you on your new journey. I found your last posts to be full of insight, particularly the one where you admitted that "because she loved ME" was part of her allure. I see that in my own H and it has taken a loooooong time for me to grow into a person who is lovABLE and lovING. I pray that your wife, whether or not she comes to her senses wrt your M, is able to grow up finally.
