Hmmm, he always says he has no idea how to be married. I will have to go read that thread. He does love me and respects me. He treats me as an equal. We're not one of those couples that always fight, have power struggles, etc. We have a pretty equal distribution of work in our home, make about the same money, have respect for each other's career, talents, etc. Hmmm, I gotta go read that thread.
As for me initiating, etc. The lack of touching, definitely not my persona. I am one of those people who like to hold hands, hug all my friends, am rather touchy feely really. I mean I still hug him and get kisses but passionate kisses, well, they do take two imho. So, I guess I am mirroring his behavior.
Yes, T-level was checked. He was low. He tried it for two months and stopped. Right now he is trying meds for Adult ADD and it seems to be helping his energy and focus however he puts it all into his job.
Hmmm, he always says he has no idea how to be married. I will have to go read that thread. He does love me and respects me. He treats me as an equal. We're not one of those couples that always fight, have power struggles, etc. We have a pretty equal distribution of work in our home, make about the same money, have respect for each other's career, talents, etc. Hmmm, I gotta go read that thread.
As for me initiating, etc. The lack of touching, definitely not my persona. I am one of those people who like to hold hands, hug all my friends, am rather touchy feely really. I mean I still hug him and get kisses but passionate kisses, well, they do take two imho. So, I guess I am mirroring his behavior.
Yes, T-level was checked. He was low. He tried it for two months and stopped. Right now he is trying meds for Adult ADD and it seems to be helping his energy and focus however he puts it all into his job.
OK, I've been sort of where he is. My testosterone is normal, as far as I know, but I've been on ADD meds for a couple of years now, and wish I had started them as a teenager at the latest. Anyway, I was constantly afraid that I was going to end up losing my job because I knew how much time slipped away from me, and I tried to grab every minute I could to "make up for it". When I got hold of ADD meds, my highest priority for a good while was catching up with work, because again, I was afraid of losing my job and being a failure and letting everyone down. I was also rather ashamed of the amount of time I'd wasted and the financial risk I'd placed my family in and I mostly wanted to hide from them and from myself, which made it difficult to be present or intimate with Mrs. Eddie, and made me dread getting close enough to her for her to really know me. I ended up neglecting her emotionally and sexually.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
He does love me and respects me. He treats me as an equal. We're not one of those couples that always fight, have power struggles, etc. We have a pretty equal distribution of work in our home, make about the same money, have respect for each other's career, talents, etc.
On the positive side, it sounds like you have a great foundation there. Though, after 20 years, I think it unlikely that he is going to change his romantic behaviors now. Can you accept the way he is and do your best to work with what you have? No, it does not sound likely that he is going to be the romantic spontaneous guy. Thus, what if you agree to be the one that takes responsibility for initiating as long as he agrees to try his best to consider your needs without sacrificing his own? Sometimes a compromise with a chance of success is better than a dream out of reach.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Well, according to our counselor he is one of the most emotionally available men she's ever met. This is a bit unusual. I have a theory related to this, but first, can you tell me how many brothers and sisters he was raised with?
On the positive side, it sounds like you have a great foundation there. Though, after 20 years, I think it unlikely that he is going to change his romantic behaviors now. Can you accept the way he is and do your best to work with what you have? No, it does not sound likely that he is going to be the romantic spontaneous guy. Thus, what if you agree to be the one that takes responsibility for initiating as long as he agrees to try his best to consider your needs without sacrificing his own? Sometimes a compromise with a chance of success is better than a dream out of reach.
If his testosterone level has always been low, maybe his behavior will end up being quite different if he gets back on the supplements and keeps taking them.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Your H sounds depressed to me. Does he have any goals, dreams, motivations? If he was obese before and only overweight now, at least he’s got some drive to move back in the right direction, but my question is why did he get so obese in the first place? Overeating is often a cover for other problems. How did his strict catholic upbringing affect him? Was his family like that too, where shows of affection are taboo? If so, why was that? What was going on in the home and with his parents to create such a cloud over everyone (assuming that was the case)? If he is depressed, does that depression go back to his childhood, in which case I wonder about abuse issues, or at least arguments, fighting, etc. If that was not the case, then was there other shame-based things going on that would fit in with a strict Catholic philosophy? There could be lots of reasons in his past to explain why he was conditioned to be withdrawn.
The other side of the question is why do you consider yourself to be HD? Wanting sex 3-5 times a week sounds great on the surface, but maybe you have a natural drive for say 2-3 times per week. Assuming this, could the extra frequency be due to some emotional need on your part? Do you need his attention to satisfy a part of yourself, to be accepted, validated, whatever. In other words, do you have issues that you are trying to meet through sex? In that case, you might get sex 3-5 times per week and still feel left out from your H’s life. Then you might look to your past for some answers.
I don't know that any of this is the case, just throwing out some ideas and trying to get you to think on a deeper relationship level. Funny how karma and relationship dynamics bring you two together as a “perfect” match, huh?
Your H sounds depressed to me. Does he have any goals, dreams, motivations? If he was obese before and only overweight now, at least he’s got some drive to move back in the right direction, but my question is why did he get so obese in the first place? Overeating is often a cover for other problems....
That could easily just be because he had his testosterone corrected...for a while. "obesity" isn't always from over-eating. that is actually a symptom of low testosterone...as is depression.
nevermind all the psycho-analyzing; he's got medical issues that need to be addressed. None of this other stuff is even pertinent. until someone has an appropriate amount of sex hormones going through their veins, they're just not going to be interested, period. You could be "Marilyn Monroe" and it wouldn't make any difference. Nothing you did or didn't do or his parents did or didn't do has anything to do with it. (at least...not yet, anyway).
remember, this is why we neuter dogs and cats and horses, etc. so they won't have any interest in this sort of thing.
Good point Cac. You should always rule out medical causes before focusing on psychological analysis. Sometimes just fixing the medical side makes the psychological exploration unnecessary. Sure, it's great to have insight into one's issues, but that does not always result in a fix. It certainly Will Not fix anything if the medical issues are still an issue. LFL
