Amy -As always, thanks for the great advice. My WAW called me awhile ago in response to an email I sent her asking her a question about our house and also telling her " I’m still here for you if you need me. I’m not sure why at this point. But, you mean more to me then you realize." When she called me she was nicer then she had been in a long time and just told me about how her day is going. I'm wondering if she is relieved that I now know. Maybe we can actually start working on being friends again. Right now. I feel the ball is in my court. I can either walk and hurt her like every other man has done in her life or stand for her. I will keep standing for awhile.
thanks guys.
Originally Posted By: AmyC
Originally Posted By: BrokenMarriage07
We had a 3some when we were in London a couple years ago. She talked me into it.
Holy CRAP! That's too much information!
I'm just kidding .
It doesn't have to ruin your marriage and it doesn't change your method of operation either.
Follow the DB prinicples, work on yourself and your own shortcomings/oversights within the marriage, get a life and let your wife sort this out for herself. Don't put pressure on her and don't make her feel bad. Trust me, she already does.
This may be unpopular, but I would not be able to handle this. Each person is different. If you can live with it, good for you. My husband had an A, I'm trying to work things out with him, something that I thought I would never do, so what do I know? This has got to be hard for you.
Gwyn, these are times we all find out just what we're made of and often, we find we are much stronger than we ever knew and able to endure much more than we ever would have believed.
There are lines though. And they're at different places for different people.
I think i'd want to know if she feels she can give up women. If she talked you into it three years ago she was into it way before then. Shes still into it now. Everytime she sees a good looking woman is it going to bring back those feelings. I'd want to know if I could be enough for her.
Everytime she sees a good looking woman is it going to bring back those feelings.
If her other person were a man, should he wonder if everytime she saw a good looking man, she'd want to cheat? That's bullsh*t. Women see good looking men every day and we aren't lifting our skirts for them all.
If that statement is indeed what you believe then you need to learn more about the reasons people have affairs in the first place. And especially women because with us, it is less about sex and more about an emotional connection that is made because something lacks in the primary relationship. That's not to say it's all his fault because it definitely is not but if you add to that a predisposition towards bisexuality then PRESTO, you've got BM07's sitch.
Not an enviable one but certainly not one that can't be overcome.
Just be there for her. Work on yourself. She will notice. There are times my W comes up to me and says she notices everything I do, and it is always on her mind. So if you want to work this out, stay positive and become the best person YOU can be. If you want to confront her with anything and think it might not be right, try it out on us first, we will help you out (especially Amy, she is great (i know you don't know me amy but I have seen many of your posts, especially those for Frank_D)).
I need to listen to my own advice sometimes though because too many times I act before I think. Stay strong buddy.
My Sitch Me - 32 W - 33 S2,S4,S8,S9,S14 (yes, 5 boys) OM - 60 EA - 02-2006 PA - 02-2006 Separated - 01/2007 Told me about EA/PA - 06/16/07
I'm not sure if it's the same for people that experiment with the same gender. If a H is M to his W for 3 years but he has always thought about and been with other men. Who knows if he'll leave his wife for a different gender. That's all I'm saying.
Being interested in a different gender imo is different than thinking someone is hot of the opposite gender. I think it's a bigger issue.
WAW - Give me that. What are you doing? You had no right to look at that!
M - I'm sorry. I just couldn't do this anymore. I had to know. I had my suspicions, but had to know for sure. I didnt mean to invade your privacy like this. I just had to know.
WAW - Know what? Nothing is going on like I told you.
M - Please Babe just tell me the truth. I deserve the truth. I have been in such pain these last few months.
WAW - Well Im sorry to disappoint you.
M - Oh really. Ok then what are those messages from XXX then?
WAW - What do u mean? Nothings going on.
M - Come on. How long have you guys been together. Do u love her?
WAW - No. I dont love her. I'm just screwed up.
M - Well thank you for finally telling me the truth. And you are not screwed up. I guess I drove you to this. I'm sorry I was such a bad husband.
WAW - Its not you its me. Im just screwed up.
M - Well. I want you to know that I'm going to keep this between me and you. No one needs to know. It can be our little secret. (except for all my friends on Db.com ;))
WAW - Why would you do that? You told everyone before. my family your family when I wanted the sep.
M - That was then. I am a different person now. I was devasted at first. You were wanting to walk away from everything. Me our family our life. I over reacted at first. I just really miss being your friend. And I know with your new business that this wouldnt be good if it came out.
WAW - Why would you not want to tell everybody?
M - I have learned during this time that some things are just out of my hands. Before I thought I had control of my life. Of our lives. I learned that I never did. It was one big illusion. I realize that you would have done whatever you wanted regardless of what I wanted. Like I said before I am glad this happened. I am thankful that you did this so I could go through this and learn about myself and what to become a stronger, better me. I have really changed over these last few months and I want to thank you for that.
WAW - Ok. if you say so.
M - Well. I just wanted to thank you again for being strong enough to tell me the truth. It was very difficult not knowing what was going on. I knew something was going on and that there was someone else. But Im glad it wasnt XXX. He being your coworker would have really hurt since you have been telling me that it was strickly a business relationship. So I am here for you if you need to talk.
WAW - Well ok. thanks.
Then I left for work. Nice way to start the day huh?
thanks - BM07
For whatever it's worth -- I want to applaud you on your maturity in handling that situation. No one got angry, and not once did you mention betrayal, infidelity, blame, or doing something "wrong." You also did what many therapists recommend in a tough situation like that, you "went to your gut" and apologized for having driven her to that behavior, even if it wasn't totally true. You saved the moment and didn't turn it into an angry confrontation.
I say this because I wish I was able to do that myself!
I figured things were good. I cant imagine her thinking this new lifestyle will be better for our daughter.
It's not a "lifestyle" it's a sexual orientation. And I think the answers are different depending on whether she's bisexual or lesbian.
If she's really truly bisexual - this is an affair no different than if it was a guy and proceed as you would in that case. I'm sorry you have a small child. If she's not willing to give up the affair and go to counseling I would proceed with a separation so she can experience the full effect of her affair and what life would be like without you. If she's ashamed of her affair and willing to work on the marriage then you can.
On the other hand - my guess is she's really a lesbian. She's probably just now coming to grips with the truth of her sexual orientation and that's not likely to change. The fact that SHE talked you into a threesome with another woman is proof that this was on her radar years ago. In this case it has nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn't do, it's just a fact of life. It's too bad she grew up in a time or place or religious culture where she wasn't able to deal with her sexual orientation earlier in life rather than creating this mess but some people still need a lot of time to come out of the closet. If this is the case, let go, have a peaceful divorce, and try to coparent as best you can with her. Don't take it personally because it's not about you, and it's a GOOD thing to find out now so that you can move forward with your life and find a partner who takes as much joy in sex with you and you do with them.
.