Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

Hi All
I am relatively new here - a link to my sitch is here:
So It Goes

In short: H had an EA/PA with W from work (where he still works). I confronted H 6/06 and we have been working at this marriage since then. It's been up and down but over the last few months things have gotten a lot better...

2 weeks ago, he suddenly said he doesn't think that he can get over what he did and feels that he completely ruined our marriage and can't get it back to the place it was when we first got married. He suggested that we spend time apart - not officially separated, just spend a week or two apart (him at his parents or me at mine). When pressed further, he said he didn't think he could make this marriage work - it is beyond repair - and we should end it.

Most of the time I don't want to get divorced - but I'm beginning to want to walk away. Long term, I think that would be a bad decision, but I don't think I can go through another year of this roller coaster. I'm at the point where if he wants to walk away, well...then let me hold the door open and help pack his stuff. . .

Have any of you gone through this? I feel like we hit a plateau and instead of us plowing through it together, he wants to call it quits . . .any thoughts? I am exhausted!

[cat03]

sounds like a canned suggestion, but have you done counceling? I dont' know how my H and I would've done it without it. There are reasons why your M took the turn it did, and maybe those issues aren't being addressed and he's just using the "beyond repair" excuse to end it. OR he could be depressed, in which case everything in his eyes is hopeless.

[Mr_Indecisive99]

I wouldn't take anything he says right now as fact. I am a prime example. My wife did certain things that aggravated me early in the marriage. She may or may not have known. Anyway I started to shut her out and told her I didnt love her and i thought i was in love with someone else.

We separated for 4 1/2 mos before I found out she was messing around. Now all my old feelings have basically disappeared and I miss my wife. Two mos ago I was waiting for her to have an A. Now I'm devastated. He's probably depressed, like I was. Remember whether we say it or not we married you for a reason.

[Mr_Indecisive99]

This is in no way btw saying to mess around to get his attention. I think giving him a kiss on the cheek in the morning in the kitchen and stating that you know your going through hard times right now but you love him could work wanders. Would have for me.

[delia]

Hi Edie--

I think that what you posted on your first thread is probably true:
your H isn't over the A with OW. I take it he still works with her? So he can't really avoid seeing her, and may have reconnected.

It's just a guess, but renewed interest would account for his actions, and makes a lot better sense than an overwhelming sense of guilt. I would not even mention it, since it is painful, but I thought that you may have thought of this, too.

It's so much easier said than done: but give him space, give him time. Try not to question him. Don't express any interest in OW (or ex-OW) at all. Try not to talk feelings or relationship issues. Be kind, be brief, and be busy. Check out Divorce Remedy, if you haven't already.

If you're tired of this, then why not take a break from it? Do something YOU want to do. When he goes out, why not go out with a friend? I think you'll have better luck NOT working on your marriage than by working on it. You love him, but you'll be all right without him. Make your actions speak that message, if you can.

It's scary to hand someone complete freedom, then go cheerfully about your business. But it could work.

(((Hugs)))

[delia]

Hi Edie--

Just checking in. I hope you're doing OK--it's hard not to be discouraged at times.

[ediemarie]

Ok - So H was away for 5 days, but came home on Tuesday. We had a brief R talk on Monday night, which was the catalyst for his returning. At that time, he said everything was good. He was happy in our M and wanted things to work. It wasn't an intense conversation, but I told him that one of my fears is that he would just one day walk away (in retrospect, it was a dumb thing to say). He said that wouldn't happen. Assured me he loves me, and wants to be with me.

We've had a good couple of days together. We get along great and he truly is my best friend. Last night we began planning a last minute trip for next month, had a drink together on our porch, watched a thunder storm rumble by and then I went to bed around 11 pm. At 3 AM I woke up. I don't know what caused me to wake up but, H wasn't in bed. The TV was on in the living room, but H was nowhere to be found. After searching around the house and outside, no H - car gone. I then found a letter on the kitchen table. It was short - not so sweet. He said he needed a break for awhile, he loves me, and would call me in awhile. I called his cell phone and left a message just saying that I love him, understand this is a tough time, it would probably help if he spoke with someone (I mentioned 2 people that he looks up to that he could speak to) and said that our relationship was alot to walk away from but I wouldn't stand in his way if that is the solution he thinks is best for him.

UGH! (i then proceeded to check our bank accounts and discovered he removed $700 from our savings account. So I did what any sane woman would do at 3 AM after discovering her husband went out for the proverbial loaf of bread, I drove around for an hour and a half and smoked about 10 cigaretts - I hate cigaretts - i think they're gross and now I feel like vomitting...)

Thanks guys for posting here. I appreciate it!

Hi Cat - thanks for your insight - we've both done individual counseling, but not marriage. H never completed his IC because he felt it was too expensive - the truth is that he was faced with a picture of himself he wasn't too proud of, and they were just getting to the point where he was beginning to see why he does what he does - and he didn't like it. So he stopped going. Recently, before I could even suggest marriage counseling,again, he said he wasn't emotionally ready for it and I think that's an accurate assumption. He needs to get his head screwed on properly before we can work on us.

Hey Mr - As tempting as it is to attract the eye of another to pass the time away and float my bruised and wounded ego, I have been reminded by others (such as my mother) that just because he went off and did this horrible thing, I don't have license to do the same. You bring up a good point, though - a kiss on the cheek would have done wonders for you...I don't know what would do wonders for my H. I've sincerely tried the supportive I love you kiss kiss...the you need space? here ya go...the pouting, begging, crying...the waiting, the GALing...I'm at a loss.

Delia - thanks. Yes, I do think that it's renewed interest in her. Or at least the break up stage - I want to believe the guilt thing - that would be great and would give me some satisfaction, but it's not realistic. As far as I know he hasn't seen OW since June 20 - that was the last day of school. He may still be emailing/speaking to her..I just don't know to be sure. He claims he isn't - but, well, you know. I have asked H to quit his job (this was last year after I discovered the A) but he couldn't quit mid year (he says couldn't/ I say wouldn't). He says he's not going back to that same school this year, BUT, he hasn't quit yet, and he hasn't found another job. Nor has he looked. I can't stay in this m if he doesn't quit. That is a deal breaker for me. There is no way that our m can get better if he still sees her on a daily basis. And he sees her, a lot.

In regard to friends: all of our friends were friends from our church. Prior to my H's affair he and I had pretty prominent roles in our church. When his affair became known, he was ex-communicated and prohibited from associating with anyone that goes there (including my grandparents/uncles/counsins, etc) - this is a story in and of itself - suffice it to say, that in our hour of need, we were abandoned. I had a choice to make at that time, I could either go someplace like that (which, why would I do that?) or find a new church and stand by H while we tried to figure out which way was up. I chose to leave crazy church behind (and family that lives locally) and go someplace new while figuring out R. I haven't really put down roots in my new church and that is certainly something i plan on doing, but haven't...it's so hard to make new friends.

Anyway - I'm thinking about joining the Y.

I'm also thinking that when H calls, not to answer the phone - it would be like me to pick up immediatly. I want to talk to him, but I want him to wonder...I don't know...

[delia]

Hi Edie--

I'm really sorry for what you're dealing with. You sound resigned, but depressed--like you've gotten past the frantic part. And you're going to feel better still, although it doesn't seem like it now.

What a worse than useless church! I guess the angels of the congregation have to avoid contamination with the devils--as though we all didn't have a little touch of both in us. I'm trying to avoid all anger---but I got steam, and fire and brimstone, coming out my ears, reading your church story.

I think you did the right thing last night. I wouldn't answer the phone, either. I would join the Y, and I would check into other clubs in your area.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to believe certain things for comfort--I know exactly. I'm not sure what to say about that, but you need all the comfort you can get.

Your husband has got to figure out where he wants to be. You've told him how you feel. I think he loves you. But you've absolutely got to do things for YOU now. You said you've tried GAL'ing, but you can't just try it. Don't let this mess--his mess--be your life. I don't think that anyone ever believes, while they're still in such hurt, how powerful it can be to detach and just have fun.

(((Edie)))

[ediemarie]

Delia - you're right about the GALing. I know you are. It is just so hard to get off the couch. I hate the idea of going anywhere alone - i hate it. I'm used to having people around me and people to do things with. I just don't feel like I have a support system. I know what I need to do, and thank you for reminding me, I just don't understand why it's so difficult. I'm not the type of person to throw myself on the couch and eat bags and bags of junk, and cartons of ice cream, but I just can't motivate to do anything - not even to go to Blockbuster to get more movies and junk.

I'm not frantic. I've been dealing with this too long to be frantic about any of his antics (hey, that rhymed :)) but I am exhausted. Emotionally drained. FUN?? Where exactly do I find that?

(Don't get me started on the church...H and I had a conversation about that yesterday - I think that sitch has contributed a great deal to his emotional state - fire and brimstone indeed. Vengence is mine says the Lord - and He will do a far better job than I ever could!)

[light switch]

Hi Edie

In my gal I went to see a comidy movie by myself, I have never done that before and it wasn't that bad. I did notice all the couples and one lone girl. It was a comedy and I teared up on a romantic part, I have never been so emotional before(If you know me that is weird). Overall it helps to get out. I dont go to bars cause I dont care to hang out with people from my work. I am looking for some new peers.
Well I thought I would add that. It does get easier.