I've read a lot today on these boards. They are really helping me focus on changes I really need to make. With that said, I have given a lot of thought around the top 5 listed below. I think these really point out the root of our issues. I suppose MC or IC is really the only way to address them...?
1) How do I make this about improving me and not about our M? How do I remove the power play from our marriage? I don’t ever want my M to be about power. I want it to be about trust, understanding, mutual admiration, teamwork, etc. I feel that I have created an atmosphere in which he does something, so retaliate or vice versa. 2) How do I not place blame on my H, but understand him? How do I build that environment of understanding, not criticism and judgment? How do I go about switching my thinking from seeing my husband as the cause of my pain, to seeing him as human who struggles? 3) How do I get a clear picture of what I have done to cause these issues in my marriage? 4) How do I choose happiness over all, no matter what? 5) How do I directly express what I want?
I'm hoping this will be the catalyst to new goals - I think some of them are hidden in there. I'll have to keep thinking and working at it... Any thoughts are appreciated
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
You are right about the MC. I'm thinking of going back to IC. I went for a time last year when his A became known. I didn't have a plan for what I needed/wanted and so the C was rather pointless and non-revealing (if that makes sense). I would be interested in going just to help with the things I want to improve in me - I don't even care if he wants to go or not, and THAT in and of itself is HUGE!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I'm glad that you're reading on other threads. It's amazing how much that can help. Dedication to improving yourself IS huge. It can be life-changing--and what you need right now is something dramatic!
For the second Friday night in a row, H has left the house in the middle of the night. The pattern was the same each time. We hung out, had a great evening, had a drink on our porch and then I go to bed. Around 3 AM I wake up with the TV on and H not home. A letter is on the kitchen table - tonight's letter said, I'm sorry I ruined us. The interesting thing about tonight's adventure is that H no longer has a car. He did not take my car on his little escapade. I drove around the neighborhood but did not see him anywhere. He could have taken the train somewhere - but it's more likely that he got picked up. He didn't take a lot with him, as a matter of fact his glasses and contacts are still here. All of his shaving necessities, his hair products, etc...It really looked like he was just stepping out for a little while. Then the light dawned.
This morning when I logged on to our computer the history had been erased. This morning H was also up before me - that's not something that happens often. H also made a trip to work yesterday to pick up some of his things - I'm almost 100% sure that he saw OW. I'm beginning to see a pattern of behavior and I think he may be seeing her...
what do you guys think?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I don't want to believe that my M is over, but all evidence is to the contrary. I've worked at it for a year and I feel so helpless. I didn't think it was possible to hit rock bottom again, but here I am...at which I hope is the bottom of the bottom...I can't do this again. I've made a call to a SBT today. Hopefully she will call me back next week to set up an appointment. I thought we were peicing. I thought we were really working things out...how did I not see this coming? I need to re-read DR. That should help. I wonder where my h went? Not phyisically but mentally/emotionally. I feel like he just doesn't care about me or for me anymore. Up until this point I always felt that he at least cared - not anymore. I guess he just doesn't like me. I'm rambling, I know...just everything is so pent up inside. I feel like screaming and crying and running and lying still and i just keep pacing around the house...I don't want to think ill of him. I don't want to be mad or sad or unhappy. I just want peace. A little peace would be nice. And a desire to eat and sleep. And a smile. The ability to smile, that would be a blessing.
I packed all of his clothes today. They are sitting in boxes in our foyer. His closet is empty, his dresser is empty. I can't have him repeatedly up and leaving in the middle of the night. I can't deal with waking up again and not having him here. He has to go. HAS TO. This is so hard.
How long does it take for the person that feels they have ruined everything begin to feel like they should fix everything? I thought we were there - we were there - for a little while. I don't understand the back sliding.
I just want to smile.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I feel like screaming and crying and running and lying still and i just keep pacing around the house...I don't want to think ill of him. I don't want to be mad or sad or unhappy. I just want peace. A little peace would be nice. And a desire to eat and sleep. And a smile.
In your last post i feel so many of those things today. Its been raining and dreary today i feel like a bump on a log. im home alone d11 and d16 went out of town, s7 went to grandmas and w is with om half way across US. Ive been pacing, laid down, surfing net... going nuts.
I feel for you.
Light Switch
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
Misery surely loves company. I already feel better knowing I'm not alone I wish it were rainy here - that fits my mood perfectly. Instead it's sunny and warm and the sun is taunting me - I could complain for hours today. I think that's going to be one of my new goals - less complaining. I'll start tomorrow.
thank you for dropping by and responding. That helps
Last edited by ediemarie; 08/04/0710:39 PM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
LS - you have so much to fight for! You really do. I look around my house and I sometimes wonder what the fight is for. You have inspiration EVERY moment. EVERY day. Hang in there!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Edie, I'm sending hugs your way. I know how bad it hurts. My sitch isn't good at all right now, I'm going through a divorce. The best advice I can give is give him lots of space. Don't question him. Go about your own life. Don't make any threats. Let him come to you. I pursued too much. I just wasn't strong enough. Be stronger than me.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
