And it just gets more and more difficult...or maybe I'm just CRAZY!!!
H came home last night around 8 pm and to say it's been awkward since then is an understatment. He told me that he was with OW (both Fridays) and his plan this past Friday night was to leave me. She came to pick him up and she took him back to her place...gag...
So why the change of heart, right? My sentiments exactly. After much too much R talk, it comes down to this: H does not want to get divorced. Plain and simple. Doesn't want a divorce. H said he loves me and doesn't want to live without me. BUT he also said that he loves OW. He said he cannot live a double life of lieing to me and seeing her. Loving two woman at once etc.
So, it comes down to this: I really don't know what to do. My mom thinks H and I should divorce. I think I've been fighting for this for so long I fell out of love with him. Could I possibly be the one saying ILYBNILWY??!! How did this happen?
Through our talks I did gain some insight into our M. According to H he hasn't had any contact with OW all summer (all 3 of us are teachers and have the summer off. H and OW work at the same school). Then he just started missing her so he sent her a text, after drinking heavily one night. Then last Friday he missed her so badly he went to her house. I was upset this whole past week with him walking out the first friday and the whole thing with him keeping her letters I was kinda distant. I was giving him the space I thought he and I needed. I was kind, caring, etc but I just didn't dote on him, ya know? Well he interpreted that as me not caring or wanting him around, so he decided to go hook up with hoochy mama...
When H brought this up to me, I told him that I could not and would not own his A, at all. His decisions are his decisions. H said, I know, I'm just trying to tell you how I feel...
LONG story short I said that he could stay if 1) he quit his job 2) we both went to counseling (IC and MC) 3) we go to Retrouvaille. H agreed to most of it. As I stated earlier I called an SBT yesterday - for me. I have to call about Retrouvaille - will do that tomorrow. H said he is going to speak with Pastor this week and quit his job this week. H said he didn't want to go to a counselor yet - and he wants MC to wait until after Retrouvaille.
Have any of you gone through Retrouvaille AND counseling? Was one more beneficial than the other? Should both be done? Should only one be done?
So, there you have it. I'm annoyed, angry, pissed off, irritated, confused, disillusioned, confused, confused, confused...I feel some peace that he has come back but I'm not happy about it. Is that normal? Or am I just comfortable with having him around? I guess I just want the guarantee that he is really here for good and that 3 months from now I'm not going to go through this again. Have any of you ever experienced this?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I think I've been fighting for this for so long I fell out of love with him. Could I possibly be the one saying ILYBNILWY??!! How did this happen?
Edie, I too am to this point. I am getting tired of "playing this game". I know it will be hard on my son but I NEED A LIFE. I need to be able to plan for the future.
Sorry for venting on your thread but you are not alone with this feeling.
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
You can stop in and vent any time. H you, like Light Switch also have something tangible to fight for! Your S is soooo important, and so worth the fight. You will ALWAYS have your wife in your life even if you guys D. ALWAYS. Graduations, weddings, births of grandkids...your lives are connected. I know I'm preaching to the choir just hang in there!!!
It dawned on me today that one of my major problems with his A is that I'm jealous. But it's not just being jealous of the affection he is bestowing on another woman. It's that I'm jealous of the excitment of new experiences, of learning all about someone else, of hearing the details of another's life and feeling that tingle, of thinking those thoughts. I miss having first kisses. I do.
There. I said it. And I think it's dangerous to express those thoughts because I really don't want to open myself up to an affair. But if there were ever a time when I were most vulnerable to having one, it has to be now! I need to keep focused...
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
This to me has felt. I am also jealous, I to want to experience the excitement of opening up to someone with your heart and soul. Of sneaking off and feeling the thrill of doing something naughty. Just forgetting about the future for a moment and live for the moment. My problem is I want to do this with my W. But Like you said it's the W in my head not the one that will be here in about 1 1/2 hours. I don't know if I am really in love with her anymore. I do love her but am I in love?
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I'm back from my hols and the first thing I find is that you are all riled up! Whats going on big guy? What happened whilst I was away. You sound like the lyrics to Lily Allen's song Smile are how u r feeling at the moment.
Saffie ps R U on another thread aswell as I think I may be gate crashing here?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Just read what you asked about Retrouvaille re counselling. I'm not sure whether one is better than the other but from what you have said in an earlier post about your H not coping too well with IC when it got too close to him seeing things he didn't perhaps like about himself, then perhaps the Retrouvaille may be a better option.
There is a lady called Sara who posts on here and has had a really positive experience from Retrouvaille and another person called Pony Girl who also found it very interesting. They both seemed to get very different things from it but it seemed to help things along.Try reading their threads.
Hope that helps.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sorry to not have found your thread myself. I cannot recommend Retrouvaille highly enough. It changed our lives. Not all at once. The weekend was a real turning point, but the weekly reinforcement of homeowrk and follow-up "post" sessions continued the journey in a new direction. Enough that we got the hang of it and could continue on ourselves! I think Retrouvaille before counseling is a good plan. I am going to go back to an old thread and capture my story and post it here if you don't mind. I'll do that when I finish this letter.
I love what you said about missing out on new love. That was how I felt too. I was so jealous of my husband getting to do that again, while I stayed home in the everyday existence. I never thought it would be him and not me! Really, for years I thought my old boyfriend would show up one day and say, "C'mon, from now on it's you and me." And it never happened. So I had to fix my marriage.
But you wouldn't believe us today. We are a completely different couple. Tonight we had dinner at the restaurant where I first accused him of having an affair and nearly threw my drink at him. And we were talking and laughing (not about that), and he was looking at me with love in his eyes. And I thought, it's OK I can come here again. Her spectre is really gone.
Get to the first Retrouvaille weekend you can. And go to all the post sessions, do the homework. It really works!
My H and I were married in 1979, almost 28 years ago. We have 3 children. Usual problems and arguments, but as I saw my other friends get divorced and heard their stories, I chose against that for myself. I wasn't particularly happy, but they were even more unhappy.
I was not loving toward him. I decided years ago that I should have married a different boyfriend. But we co-existed and had a decent life together. Over the years we grew further apart, we argued over how to deal with our son who chose to be a juvenile delinquent and was verbally abusive to me. We went to counseling at that point, but made no headway in solving the problem.
About a year ago my husband began an internet relationship with his old girlfriend. That grew into an EA and then in November they took a romantic weekend together. Super sleuth that I am, I figured it out! I confronted him with cell phone records of his calls to her (should have been looking at those all along), and he said he would stop. Two weeks later, I checked the cell phone bill again, and the calls were still going on.
I gave my son her number. If she wanted my job as his wife, she could have my son too! So he called her and told her he knew she was having an affair with his father, and if she didn't stop he would find her and make her stop! Apparently, H had neglected to mention that we were a dysfunctional family. So she decided my job didn't really look too good, and she called H and broke up with him.
At that point I decided that I really did want this marriage. We tried to put things back together ourselves, but it ran hot and cold. Some days were good, some were vicious. A friend at work had just been to Retrouvaille and sent a glowing letter to us all recommending the program. So, knowing next to nothing about it, I suggested that we go to Retrouvaille together. There being no other solution, he agreed to it.
We went to the weekend in January, did the post sessions in Feb and March and we were continuing to get better. Now the kids have moved out of the house - we are empty nesters, at least for the summer, and life is really good. I have learned to love my husband and he is learning to love me. We are different people than we were 6 months ago. The sex is great, we laugh at each other's jokes, it's a lot like when we were first married. I won't say all the tension is gone, but we know how to approach our problems when one comes up. We pull out our notebooks, and we dialogue on the subject.
