True reconnection cannot begin until they are completely out of all of the stages. Otherwise they are just touch and gos. The post on reconnection in mlc resources explains that part quite well. I have also read on another forum that reconnection is the only way out of depression. So I think they have to at least be in the depression/ withdrawal stage.
I seen on the board that many of the spouses that return go home straight from leaving OW? I am confused. So is it possible that they can still be with OW and go through Depression and withdrawl and suddenly into acceptance?
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
I think it is possible for them to go through depression while still with ow. I have seen it twice with my h that he seemed to be reconnecting but I had not seen depression in him. I fell for it both times. When his depression started to come through he increased his self medication and therefore went back into replay although I do not think he ever left it. It is confusing but I do think when/if it happens you will know the difference.
Nicky I have read the same but it seems from reading here that some men can reconnect while with OW. But I think that they have realized the OW was not the answer and that is when the reconnection can begin with the LBS.
Any one have any insight on this??
I think my situation fits into this. My H has been reconnecting BIG time with all three kids while living with OW. He waits until about midnight to converse with them via text messages and at times actual talking on the phone BUT the actual talking on the phone almost always takes place during work hours where it is just him in his office.
The texting occurs really late at night. I think the MLCers are always depressed in MLC.
The other change: Instead of saying "I love you" and using individual names, he now says, I love all of you...... which my son said that includes me.
You can read up on my sitch which is titled, Steelers Thread IX for more insight.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I truly believe from keeping up with your sitch and going back and reading past threads that your H is reconnecting.
How come on other "places" they call this cake eating???
Do you think that there is a time that this area is so grey that it might be misinterpreted as cake eating? I sure hope I don't open a can of worms with this question but I messed up in Jan. I was told he was cake eating and he was not he was really trying to reconnect and I didn't give him the warm safe place he was looking for at that time.
but then that turns into a touch and go???
so a lot of this is how you interpret things I think
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
True reconnection cannot begin until they are completely out of all of the stages. Otherwise they are just touch and gos. The post on reconnection in mlc resources explains that part quite well. I have also read on another forum that reconnection is the only way out of depression. So I think they have to at least be in the depression/ withdrawal stage.
I totally disagree with this because my H has been reconnecting for months now. THey do not appear to be touch and go's as he has been very consistant.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I truly believe from keeping up with your sitch and going back and reading past threads that your H is reconnecting.
How come on other "places" they call this cake eating???
Do you think that there is a time that this area is so grey that it might be misinterpreted as cake eating? I sure hope I don't open a can of worms with this question but I messed up in Jan. I was told he was cake eating and he was not he was really trying to reconnect and I didn't give him the warm safe place he was looking for at that time.
but then that turns into a touch and go???
so a lot of this is how you interpret things I think
I discussed this with my pastors and here is the thing: It is all about how you decide to handle it and what you want.
TO stand and from a Biblical perspective, we are to show kindness, never complaioning, we want them to see what a loving home they have/had and to make it as comfortable as possible. Why? Because in the end, they will feel comfortable and know that this is where they ultimately belong.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
True reconnection cannot begin until they are completely out of all of the stages. Otherwise they are just touch and gos. The post on reconnection in mlc resources explains that part quite well. I have also read on another forum that reconnection is the only way out of depression. So I think they have to at least be in the depression/ withdrawal stage.
I neither agree or disagree with this...because there are so many variables...it is true in some cases, and perhaps it is true in most cases...but is anything true in all cases?
What do we mean by Reconnection. Note that Reconnection and Reconciliaiton are different things. Reconnection preceded Reconciliaiton.
How do we define REAL or TRUE? If the MLCer is REALly intending to reconnect, is it real...thus is it intentions or motivations that determine REAL?
What constitutes REALly trying? I believe that Sweetheart was REALly trying to reconnect when he came home most (not all) of those times. But he has also admitted it wasn't real and he knew it. Why was it not real? Because he still wanted a relationship with the OW AND was unwilling to give that up. But at the same...he was REALly reconnecting. We were building things together...that foundation for a later return. So those reconnections were fruitful, they were necessary, they were part of the process and they helped him to progress.
What is the expectation of Reconnection? Is it that it leads directly to Reconciliation...Reconnection may take time, but they are consecutive steps in the MLC Process?
Well, we could have different names for Early Reconnections... but I think those would prove futile. LBSs with their Hopes and expectations integrating and flying high would label them Reconnection rather than Early or Pre...And who's to say which is which anyway...there are the cases where Early is the final Reconnection.
What it distills down to is that Reconnection, like all other things in MLC, is a staggered process. The line graph goes up an down many times...hopefully in a general upward pattern. Each new reconnection may (or may not) be a little more connecting than the last.
Some of the confusion may simply come down to how each term is defined...I need to check out the resources Reconnection post again.
What then are touch-and-goes? Small reconnections? Mini tunnel vacations/breaths of air? I think touch-and-goes indicate soemthing brief...whereas Reconnections are longer attempts...they give the LBS time to show the safety, add even more to the foundation...and perhaps if the LBS responds well what would have been a touch-and-go becomes longer...a Reconnection...but the tough part is it is not THE Reconnection...that one you are all looking for and labeing as REAL.
Maybe rather than putting Reconnection out there as something for near the end, realize that it is part of MLC and part of the cycle. In Replay, we expect cycling, we expect touch-and-goes, we expect spew, hatred, flirting, OWs, niceness, nastiness...
If you DB well, why not also add Reconnection as a possibility to the mix. While recognizing that if your are early in this crisis, it is not that ending Reconnection...the MLCer may move home and leave again--a few weeks or months later realizing and admitting (or not) that this is about him and the LBS is not to blame. He returned because the LBS changed...thus now things will work, and they didn't. But was that a touch-and-go? No...it lasted too long.
Reconnection may often begin when the OW is still involved...he needs direct comparisons becuase he's not happy with her. It may start as touch-and-goes and get bigger. But remmeber how OWs are...she sucks him back.
Is the final Reconncection a part of Reconciliation rather than a predecessor? You are in counseling and learning to love again...isn't that reconnecting?
But then, that is not what is being discussed here...that is something that is during/after a return. That is not something an LBS looks for because it is fully present and obvious.
I think it comes down to what you want it to be...defintiion wise, not interpeting your MLCer-wise. What are your motivations? Why is Reconnection important...why is it importnat that it be only possible when the OW is gone and he is through Depression...or why is it important that it be possible without those things?
I have some different ideas when it comes to this! I know RCR, suprise, suprise, suprise! LOL First, I think you need to know if your WAS, is in MLC or not. In reading many of these stories here, I am of the Opinion that many are not dealing with MLC, but a WAS. What constitutes an MLC? I guess if I knew the true answer to that many of you would be willing to pay me a lot of money! LOL I certainly think many things are definate MLC tendencies. OP, Youthfull actions, changes in what was everyday routine and thought. Something triggers these changes within a person, you just don;t wake up one morning and start acting completely different. Another thing that I think makes up an MLC personnality is the fact that the MLCer will typically not just leave and not look back, many will keep a tight reign on the spouse that is left until they feel completely safe in plunging into the tunnel. Once there in deep do you see a lot of the meaness, uncaring, and unfeeling. I don't think you see it right off the bat. Once the MLCer initally leaves they will do all the convincing of how you don't need them, how this isn't so bad, etc. Once they are in full blown replay, they really start the disconection, spewing, things of that nature. Like any hot fire, it will eventually burn out, once it does, the MLCer will mourn the loss of the OP. I think at this time once depresson sets in do you see the thinking of the MLCer change. I think they start doing the whatif game about the LBS. Whatif I gave it a chance, whatif I had tried, whatif I hadn;t done what I did etc. I think its a this time the MLCer might try to reconnect. I think many of them are simply too ashamed or too proud to admit that they did any wrong, thus they do not try to reconnect. I have a serious question to ask about reconnection; Do you really want them back? What requirements would have to be met to open yourself to a reconnection/reconsilliation? Would you take them back without them showing remorse or apologizing for thier actions? If your answer is yes, I think that you are setting yourself up for hurt later on down the road. I know many here disagree with this statement, but I am of the opinion that if someone put you though utter and total hell for a number of years and came back without any regret, apologies, or remorse, you are dealing with someone who has no respect for you and is just settling for you until someone else comes along. I know that my remarks are going to have a lot of opinions, and I welcome them, just don;t take my comments personally.
