Well i've done some thinking over the last day or so...I'm not sure there is much left to DB as far as my M & R to my W go..Of course for myself, I continue to move forward. W has agreed to come & talk about the money etc as I told her that we both need to make a fair agreement that is good for both of us.
This is my opinion on the matter & it would be good to hear if you think i'm being unreasonable...
Ok, I can offer her 1/3 of her share of the equity on this house now in cash, that would pay most if not all her debts. I would like to make her the offer of 2/3 the equity if I should ever choose to sell or should I remarry ect..Of course I/we would have this set in legal terms with the help of a lawer.
Her excuse for wanting the equity is because she's not living with OM for free she still has to pay half of the living costs etc...Thats fine & I understand...However, I am not living here for free either & there is just me paying for an house I can just about afford.
Anyway back to my R sitch & whats left to DB...It would appear that since my little meeting with my W last week, when I gave her the mail that I had. She seems to have had a change of heart regarding our initial argeement with this house. I think she saw that I am looking good, even if I have to say that myself lol..She saw that I have my life back on track, with the bike & all, she will know that I will now live my life around all the bike events etc & I know that she has very fond memories of this.
So it would seem that she now wants to make matters a little tuffer for me...or thats the way I see it right now.
Well, Strange, it sounds like the equity plan that you have is fair to me, can't say your W, will agree though, but it is worth a shot.
As far as W, trying to make things tuffer on you, Yeah I would also agree with that statement, she knows that you are doing it all yourself, and that you are relying on no one for help, now she can't say that can she, I mean she is may be paying her half, living with the OM, but she does have some one paying the other half, and maybe more, you just never know, remember believe nothing of what they say, and half of what you see, that goes both ways, I know that my W, sometimes wants me to feel sorry for her, she tells me the OM, doesn't work in the rain, and it rains a lots, but that is not my problem, now is it? You know it is funny, one minute they tell you how good they are doing, the next, they tell you how bad everything is, What are you to believe? I just say whatever, myself, and leave it at that. I don't worry about it, either way, I used to, but now, it's really not my problem, whether her bills are paid or not.
As far the bike, good for you, I don't know if you mentioned it before or not, but what kind of bike events do you do, now?
I started really seeing things more clearly, when I started detaching myself from my W, I don't know if you know about that or not, but let me tell you it is and it is not what you think it is. I found that you have to detach, to see the big picture, I have a link that someone gave me a while back, that I don't know if you have read or not, if you have then, believe me it doesn't hurt to read it again, every now and then, here it is. http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm
It is all about detaching, the one thing that used to really tick me off, when I first got here, is when the good people here told me about it, I would get so defensive, I would yell at them. Now, I am so ashamed of how I acted, I was so lost back then, but once I read it a few times, it started to sink in. Now I try to read it every now and then, and it still helps.
Just like you've been/are there for me, I am here for you, Take Care Bro.
About the bike events...basicaly it's a ride out, getting together with a few hundred like minded people, get absolutely wasted, wake up in the morning & you're not in your own tent etc etc...They are well organised events though, good music & bands etc. But the weather in the UK has sort of messed it up this year, I am a good weather camper..dont do camping in the rain lol
Well at the momemet the weather is the best it's been, clear blue sky's & quite hot...So I may make the most of it today & go for a ride out some place..
That sound like a lot of fun, and I know this is stupid question but are you talking about mountain bikes or motorcycles? I know most people call motorcycles, bikes. I'm sorry, I Don't remember if you ever told me, or not. I always wanted a Harley, myself, but since my BIL, got killed on a Ninja, shortly after me and the W, got married, I never got one. I always said, maybe someday in the future. But on the other side of the coin, I do ride my mountain bike, quite a bit, now, just around the neighborhood and at the park. Take Care, Bro.
This is my opinion on the matter & it would be good to hear if you think i'm being unreasonable...
Ok, I can offer her 1/3 of her share of the equity on this house now in cash, that would pay most if not all her debts. I would like to make her the offer of 2/3 the equity if I should ever choose to sell or should I remarry ect..Of course I/we would have this set in legal terms with the help of a lawer.
Plan sounds good, but why would you offer her 2/3 later? Why not just offer her the rest of her 1/2 (less the 1/3 you paid in cash already)?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Sorry I did'nt explain myself enough there...What you said is what I ment..I would offer her the rest of her half of the equity if I choose to sell or remarry etc..
Well on to today & the first of this weeks valuations is complete. That went quite good..I did ask my W to be here while this was being done, she did say she would be.. But in her better wisdom she did not show. Why I don't know, I don't know whether it's good or bad. Maybe she just can't face the fact of what she is doing. Anyway I have someone coming tomorrow to do a valuation, but I don't see it being any differnt than today..That is, the value of the property etc...
My W seems to be in a little confusion, i'm sure...The last time I spoke to her, her main reasons for wanting to sell the house changed a little...At first it was all the debt, now it's..."Well it's only the loan on the car I want to pay"...I suppose there may be a chance that I can swing it that she'll accept enough to pay the car.
Second valuation on the house went ok today, the guy did value it a little less then the other that came yesterday. Again my W did not show & has not called to enquire the results of the valuations either. I don't know if thats a positive sign or she just does not want to be involved in making me homeless, she may just want to sit it out & fool her self that I have some magical place to go to...Other than the couch at my mother's that is
Spoke to a friend today & she says that she saw W in a local park a few days ago, she did't get to speak to W, just saw her...Anyway I was told that W was with OM's kids, no OM, just her & his kids..She said W looked rather un-happy & very out of place with the children, almost as if she just did not want to be there.....Welcome to paradise, thanks for coming..Sorry but I believe i'm due just a little chuckle ? Well she may just have been having a bad hair day or something...But I have to say, rather her than me, I would not like to do the whole ready made family thing..Trying to fit in with someone's kids & when those kids lost their real mother not so long ago too...That has to be tuff, but there's her bed, lay in it
Ah, Strange Bro, I agree totally, a WAS tries so hard to convince themselves that they are happy, but their actions and body language show the truth. BTW, I chuckled too.
You know, one thing I have learned is that when you chase someone they run away from you, but when you stop chasing them, most of the time, they wonder why and start to chase you. Isn't that just crazy? I guess it's that whole wanting something, they don't think they can have thing.
But this is the enigma, that is the WAS, First they run from us, and try to find what it is they are looking for, then when they think they have found it, they find out it's not what they really wanted. In the meantime, here we are, at first chasing, trying to help them and trying to open up their eyes, but they want away from us so bad, they just can't see, the problem lies within them. They blame us, and treat us like dirt, wanting us to change, all the while knowing that deep down they are the one who need to change, so they can be happy. Go figure on that one, Bro. I did tell my W, that she is doomed to have one failed R, after the next, because it is HER who needs to change, for HERSELF. I'm not sure if she really got what I said, but only time will tell in her eyes, if I am right. I know that I am. Take Care, Bro.
W called me today & asked if it was ok to come & talk...I said sure & asked when...she said right now...so she came...
It was to talk about the sale of the house & I will try to keep this short & only put the improtant bits here...
She says she wants to help secure her future if things dont work out with OM...I cant remember her exact words but thats what she ment. She stressed this more than a few times too.
I told her that yes we can sell the house but I would prefer to remain here & pay her what i can afford....she said it would not be enough to pay even the car...I asked how much there is outstanding on the car?...She does not know!!!...wait...so how does she know it's not enough i hear you say...Surly if shes put alot of thought into this she would have done some homework?
I told her that if we have to sell this place I will end up on my mothers couch, which is true, & i will not even have an home to call mine....She said that neither will she, as OM house will always be his & his W (she's dead)...& my W wants to make sure that her future is secure....
In the end we both signed the sale agreement form but i could see that W was very upset while doing this....As she was leaving I could also see that she was hesitant in doing so...She had tears in her eyes & I almost broke down but remained strong...She said...well i'll see at some place or something...She then reached out to me & we hugged..It was such a great feeling that I have not felt in alomst 4 mths...She held me so tight I was about to cry..We just hugged for what seemed to be ages...but I knew we had to let go & we did....She left at that.
Sorry if it's a little hard to read but i wanted to get it down while i can remember lol
I feel for u man. Sometimes we have to let them go so they can come back on their own accord. I am in the same exact deal. My WAW has convinced herself that she cant be happy while married to me. Once that happens there's no turning back. I am ready to give her what she wants. Even though I know she still wont be happy after.
