OK, I agree that a WAS has to feel safe but I guess you can't show him that it is safe until they are ready. If they are like my H...invisiman... then I can't see any other option but to leave him alone or am I missing something?
You be safe anyway--regardless of there attention. The dynamics are different with Dropouts. But your actions...no contacting...are the same as those of us with Drop-Ins, it's just that we have contact through our MLCers intiations. Practice being the safe place, because what it is, is pracicing Forgiveness, Grace and Love. Isn't this something we should be in life anyway?
How much contact did you have before you "shut up" ?? Did you call him daily, wkly, monthly? Did you see him wkly, monthyly? Email him daily wkly monthly?
I think this is important for all of us have different levels of contact. Those with kids have more and those whose H has moved farther away less. So I guess if you can use your sitch and how you cut back maybe we can translate it to ours.
I see H 2-3 times a mon., call him rarely(kid related) and now not at all. Emailed 2-3 times a wk.. now gone from 1-2 to goal is nothing. Am I getting still enough??
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
lets see i actually had gone thru a NC phase that lasted thru dec into feb. except for christmas...he asked to come over...guilt gifts.
but always kept spewing back or digging or trying to defend myself....not good.
being still was not getting baited anymore....letting him initiate all contact. i chose to be slow in most replies. and it was only for business. no phone call allowed. only txt and emails. if he did something like ransack my house that time...i called my L.
I didnt see him much. i tried not to. I was hurting. But when i found the forgiveness....i still hurt but i wasnt angry. This allowed me to let go more of the OW thing. He began to communicate more. He saw safe as me not spewing, defending...and shutting up about OW. In fact i didnt bring her up period. the couple times few times I saw him in april were uneventful. He tried several times to bait me ...i didnt play...his tone softened. the e-mails increased from him.....i still wasnt timely in my responses...or they were of few words. I need blank and blank.
he was peeking i guess i forced him to peek out further. for that bigger peek.....he didnt get his neck snapped off. I went totally out of character and let him have the dogs for a weekend. Of course my GF pointed out let him have the dogs and drive OW and her cat nuts.
"it takes a crisis to end the crisis" when smudgie got sick I let him in for that. we both held on to him when the vet put him to sleep. He loved his dog. after that he began to find reasons to come out uninvited. H said going to the funeral of his boss's dad sealed his wanting to come home.
Court almost killed me i swear. it hurt so much, but it was hurt and sadness not anger. I retreated and cut off all contact.....he did backflips trying to get a message from me.
still is more than no contact. its a peace you find and let go of the anger. I had done NC before. this was different. jeesh am i making sense??? This was a process that started in early march and went thru early July when he asked to come home. These MLCers know the difference between when you are still for yourself or baiting them.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
It is amazing to see how they will come back once they think you have "moved on". My W has had an EA/PA with a man who was her dad's best friend. Has is older has a lot more money and spends it without reservation because he is divorced and alone...At first I could tell her enough how pissed off I was that she spent so much time on the phone with him and she even went out him.
This past weekend my W had plans to go to the racetrack for one of her friends birthdays. The person she was going with flaked on her, as most of her friends do, so she asked me to go since I have never been and "she knew I wanted to go." In all honesty I was happy she asked but did not want to go. I had an afternoon with my son setup and dinner with friends. I went anyways as a gesture to my W that I appreciated the invite. We went, conversation in teh car was nice. Some reminiscing about our better days, casual small talk, and even some sarcasm from her. Overall the day went well.
Yesterday I was invited again to go with her to a BBQ with the friend who celebrated the birthday. I went, she playd volleyball and I spent time with my son, which the friends adores. On the way home she suggested that we stop and eat dinner. This was the first time in I do not know how long we went out without other people. She has also been discussing future plans more than ever during all our problems.
I have not been pushing the envelope and letting her be and I believe it has been making her think...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I think that we can show them that we are the safe place, the soft spot to fall, and that we NEED to show them this even when they aren't ready. I don't mean that we need to be clingy or in their faces--nothing like that. I mean that when we project an aura of love and comfort and peace, they are drawn to it before they understand what it is or that it's there.
Wayne Dyer says that you should want something more for others than for yourself. Ultimately, I want the MLC to be over and done with so we can move forward, but I want my H to be able to be at peace.
I have just read through this thread. It contains some really useful advice and comment.
I thought RCRs comments about touch and goes being a part of early reconnection were spot on. I also think that reconnection can start when the OW is in the picture.
I wonder if in part this is because often the MLCer is terrified of being alone? My h always thought he was the 'strong' one who could do without people. He has found that he needs people and is lonely. His family [including me] provided him with his anchor. I thought I couldn't do without people, and have found that I can . . .
I think you need to know if your WAS, is in MLC or not. In reading many of these stories here, I am of the Opinion that many are not dealing with MLC, but a WAS.
What is the difference? I have been looking for this answer for quite some time and still don't understand the difference....
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I certainly think many things are definate MLC tendencies. OP, Youthfull actions, changes in what was everyday routine and thought. Something triggers these changes within a person, you just don;t wake up one morning and start acting completely different. Another thing that I think makes up an MLC personnality is the fact that the MLCer will typically not just leave and not look back, many will keep a tight reign on the spouse that is left until they feel completely safe in plunging into the tunnel. Once there in deep do you see a lot of the meaness, uncaring, and unfeeling. I don't think you see it right off the bat. Once the MLCer initally leaves they will do all the convincing of how you don't need them, how this isn't so bad, etc. Once they are in full blown replay, they really start the disconection, spewing, things of that nature.
From the many kind people who have posted on my threads, they have all indicated that my H is in a MLC, but he doesn't fit a lot of what you posted, braveheart. Maybe he is at the beginning and a lot of this will come, but....
While I do think there is an OW, I don't see him doing the youthful actions - in fact, he has stopped working out, to the best of my knowledge. While there are certainly changes in his everyday thought, I think that the changes in his everyday routine are a result from moving out and now being "single". I can think of no triggering event, and he does not keep a tight rein on me - he hasn't looked back - at least to the best of my knowledge. He couldn't get out of here fast enough. Finally - there has been no meaness - certainly uncaring and unfeeling (how do you just up and leave) that indicates uncaring and unfeeling to me, but no spewing, anger or meaness.
So if this isn't MLC and just WAS, whatever the difference is....what do I do differently, or the same? WAS is a little more frightening to me. I guess if it is MLC, I feel like there is an excuse for his behavior. If it is not, then how do I explain it?
As I reread this, I feel like I may sound like I am challenging you and that is not my intent. I have wondered the difference for some time now, and have wondered about my situation because, while it seems similar to some here, the lack of spewing, the lack of any contact even if to try and get to me, have had me wondering if this is a MLC.
You have good questions, w8ing. One resource that helped me understand MLC better is Jim Conway's book "Men in Midlife Crisis." There's a lot of other MLC ifo out htere, but this was a good place for me to start. Maybe it can answer some of your questions.
I guess the difference to me is in the causes, although what causes MLC is still pretty nebulous in a lot of ways. Not all MLCers will show the same symptoms. For instance, my H never spewed either, but there were/ are a lot of other things that led me to conclude that he's in MLC.
Anyway, there is no excuse for MLC behavior, but there are reasons. That being said, you may never be able to explain this whole thing, MLC or not.
I don't know if any of that helps! Keep GALing; it will get his attention eventually. Do more of what you know works; and if you're not sure what that is, experiment until you do.
Thanks AMD. I do need to get that book because I have seen other posters recommend it....
Did your H have a specific cause that started the decline? That is the other reason that I wonder if mine is in a MLC. There really wasn't anything going on for the last several months...no major birthday (we are past 40), no family or friends deaths, no major job change or additional stressors at the job (although job has always been stressful)..... I would almost feel better (than what, I don't know) if I saw a cause..
But maybe I am just searching for somthing rational to explain his behavior....it could be a long search...a long, empty handed search....
