Trudging up hill

[light switch]

Edie,

I couldnt post earlier busy at work.
I would say if he is willing to not work w/ow that is a very good sign. I hope the Retrovaille experience is good for you. I think i will check what it is all about also.

Light Switch

[ediemarie]

Well, I went to IC today - and LOVED it! This was my first time with a SBT and she just added so much insight into my situation. I can't wait to go back! (isn't that crazy??) After such a great experience, H said that he thinks he needs to go back to C and really deal with his issues. (I couldn't have said it better) And to think that came out of his mouth without any prompting from me...crazy! He just saw a change in me and decided that he needed to make a change too. Does that give credence to the principles of DBing? I think it might...

If any of you are hesitant to going to see a counselor because of a bad past experience or you don't think one will help, let me tell you that the right counselor makes all the difference! I went to one last year and she was awful (after 2 sessions and never even speaking with my H she told me that he was a narcissist and I should just divorce him) - today's experience was a completely different experience. While D may still be an option for me, she allowed me to see other options as well.

Hope you all are doing well!
EM

[LL44]

EM, how wonderful!! Two birds with one SBT, huh? You feel better and H notices your changes, and wants to improve himself! I am so glad you had a such a great experience.

[Sara]

Ediemarie,

I am glad that you had such a good experience with the counselor. I hope that she will be good for your H too. You are lucky to find a good counselor.

[ediemarie]

H sent me an email last night. (You know things are strained when you have to email your spouse rather than just walk into the other room to speak with them.) He apologized for all the pain he has caused and said he hates himself for what he has done, etc. How does one believe such stuff after what has been done? I would like to believe him, I WANT to believe him, but I don't. I don't think he has any understanding of the pain. I have hardened my heart against him. I have put him away from my life.

H is going to speak with our pastor today. I'm hoping that will help him. H keeps saying that he wants to stay in this m, but not sure if it's the "right" thing - I'm not sure what that means, but ok. IC said he is the classic can't commit case. (have any of you seen the Scott Baio reality show on E??) I shared that with H yesterday and pointed out that in ALL areas of his life he just dabbles - he is never fully committed to anything let alone marriage.

We've decided Retrouvaille will be an option for us. We're going to go in September, so that will be good. The one this weekend is almost 2 hours from here and we would not be able to make the follow up sessions. I don't want to miss out on any aspect of the experience. I don't know if we will make it together until September, but we'll have to see...

[ediemarie]

One thing that has been bothering me over the last few days is the fact that H is insistant that he is in love with OW. I mentioned this in C yesterday at the end of my session and C said, "oh, wow, you really are in a rough place if he is actually in LOVE with OW" So I said, "yes, I am, but I don't really believe that h is in love with OW." She asked why I believed it and I explained that H felt he could not be with OW because his relationship with OW would be tainted if he didn't have me. My C laughed at that and said, "he certainly is right. His R with OW WOULD be tainted if he wasn't m to you." We did not have any time to discuss this because it was at the end of my session, but that is just replaying over and over in my head. I want to believe that he doesn't love her, but I'm not convinced...

[Sara]

Ediemarie,

Congratulations on getting the commitment to go to Retrouvaille. That is a huge step!

My advice is to just keep the boat afloat til then. Don't try to fix anything. Be nice to him. He should be nice back. An apology is a very good step. You could thank him for the apology. Just keep everything nice. Try to put off all arguments til after Retrouvaille. (Somehow they go away by themselves after that.) And definitely put off relationship talks. You will have a lot of time at Retrouvaille for that. (And sex too.)

The important thing is to get him to walk in their door. They will take it from there. All you have to do is follow the rules and fill your notebook with the truth. They will tell him he has to get rid of the other woman. They will tell you that they want you to go with an open mind and a willing heart. That scared the crap out of PonyGirl's H and he tried to back out. But she got him there.

I know it is hard to wait. I remember feeling it was such an emergency while we waited. But the time will pass, and things will get much better.

[NikB]

Edie - thanks for posting to me.

My advice right now is to keep GALing, and as Sara said, be nice but stay detached. Hopefully you're still reading my sitch, I just posted some advice from SDFoundGirl that may apply to you, as well.

I saw your list of ideas for meeting peers - did you do any of those?

You can also try meetup.com, I've met a lot of neat people that way. Not really close enough to any of them yet to consider them a "support system," but working on it.

[mkultra]

Hi EdieM, Yes, I did see the Scott Baio show. All I can say is that happily married men with a family are much better off than single men who sleep around and party in Vegas. It goes way beyond the grass is always greener. Scott's life seems miserable. He has issues. I am glad that more men are in therapy in the media. I wish my H would go into therapy. He has so many MLC issues and having a younger OW seems to fix his temporary issues with aging, depression, stress. It is such a stupid choice to mistake having an affair for following passion or love. It is heartbreaking for everyone.

[ediemarie]

I haven't posted for a few days...not a whole lot has changed.

H and I have been spending time together and my anger is subsiding. I still get extremely annoyed from time to time and need to take a break. I usually go for a walk or read some threads. While H has apologized for his A, and tells me it is over (and he has told me via email, a hand written letter and verbally) he has not quit his job yet. That is such a sticking point with me. I really feel that he has to do that. He sees OW all day, every day during the school year and that is not acceptable. Additionally, I made the call to Retrouvaille, but he also has to call and he hasn't done so yet. The phone number is hanging on the fridge and he hasn't made the call. I refuse to remind him. All this to say that while he is speaking the language of reconciliation, his actions are not following.

I haven't done anything to GAL and I feel guilty. I feel like I should be doing more than I am. There are classes that I want to take at a community college that I need to sign up for, I must begin working towards my masters degree and need to apply for those classes, I have lessons to plan before the school year begins and I've done none of it. I sit around all day and do nothing. I'm boring. I'm dull and I'm starting to annoy myself. Luckily I have to attend a week of meetings next week at school, that should help a little to motivate me to some sort of action. So I guess I'm not that far off from my H's behavior...while I speak the language of DBing, my actions are not proving that I am a DBer...

On the bright side, I did some work that my IC wanted me to do, so I need to make another appointment to go and see her. I'm hoping that will provide me with more motivation and insight. Although I don't know what sort of insight she can offer - she can't make my H quit his job or call about Retrouvaille. And I already know that those 2 things are deal breakers for me, and if he does not accomplish them, then further action (such as me moving out) is in order. But then again, I'm not seeing her for those reasons. There are things that I need to work on outside of M and true DBers focus on that stuff, right???

As with all things lately, only time will tell.

Thanks for listening!!