Reconnection or Reconciliation Pearls

[MidwesternGirl]

Hmmm.........I think it is a little different for each WAS.

I discovered H's A one year after it had started via the phone bill because I would take care of the bills each month.

His moods began to change big time approx. two months after this discovery and he remained in the spewing or whatever you want to call it up until the time he left which was June '06.

The spewing, meanness, or whatever you want to call it slowly dissipated and he moved home Jan. '07 but he really was not ready for such a move due to court, etc. and it pushed him back to OW where he is still living.

But since then, the changes have been remarkable with regard to how much time he comes over, how nice he is, how much reconnection he is doing with the kids, etc.

And of course, he continues to pay the bulk of the bills and even offers to pay for some major car repairs of mine.

It's been remarkable but I think my faith in God has played the biggest role in all of this because if it were not what I know or how I have handled it, we would have been divorced long ago when all of this started. And he is also beginning to rely on God again based on some things he has said.

Each situation is different but yet alike in many ways.

[forward]

I think that sometimes the WAS or MLCer or whatever you want to say indeed does not respect the LBS. That's my sitch, anyway.

Secretly I am laughing because H is dealing with things I used to handle and I think he's having the startling realization that hey, this is HARD! Respect has increased substantially since he left. Hehehe.

So I laugh inwardly and keep my mouth shut.

[MidwesternGirl]

Or they pretend to not respect you.

My H admitted back in January to me that the happiest and most stable times of his life are with me and the kids.

I think MLC should be placed on the list of mental illnesses--honestly!!

Breton--yeah, reality sets in when they have to pay the bills, etc. I remember back in his spewing days (March-April 2006) he did things that we know he did not know how to do unless he had help from someone. He cancelled me off of credit cards. I went to use one when buying clothes for the kids and I was told the card was declined. When I called the creditor they said my husband cancelled stating "marital status change." I know OW had her hand in many things back then. It was crazy!!

[Rollercoasterider]

First, I think you need to know if your WAS, is in MLC or not.

Aren't there Reconnections outside of MLC? Or is it that Reconnection outside of MLC is so different?

As for me...I focus on MLC, and so if MLC Reconnection differs from the rest, then Yes, you need to know if it's MLC.

I am of the Opinion that many are not dealing with MLC, but a WAS.

Me too. Hopefully the advice still fits...

I have a serious question to ask about reconnection; Do you really want them back?

How about Forward? Do you want them forward--no going backwards.

Who do you want forward?

I think it is safe to say you don't want the MLC Monster.

But what about your true spouse--the person stuck inside the Monster...Oh, but you have now changed and come to realize you didn't have a great marriage, he treated you poorly, you haven't been yourself for 15 years...and now you have found peace, strength, freedom...SELF...it's liberating. Great! And maybe that former person hasn't caught up with your growth--likely they haven't since the LBS moves forward faster.

Marriages aren't perfect. We grow together, we grow apart, we change. Sometimes we don't like our spouses changes, he doesn't like our changes. We pay more attention to the kids, dogs, careers. Is this grounds for discarding the vows...at least discarding without effort?

I know, I know...you are the one who tried...he simply up and left. But when did you start trying?...when he left? Many of us LBSs didn't know there was a problem until Bomb Drop.

You started making a conscious effort ot change, yes...but ask those in Piecing--those truly Piecing after long MLC separations...BND...ask her when the relationship trying really starts. Standing tactics...that trying is not the same as relationship trying--working on together trying.

And trying with an active MLCer more than presupposes failure...it pretty much is a futile effort...wait until the MLC is in the past...or at least near the tunnel exit.

What I want is not the man Sweetheart was...I don't want the man he was last week even. And I don't want the MLCer. I want the man he is and will be. I want the man he is capable of being. I want the opportunity to grow together and find out who we can and will be...together. I'm not getting a static person. I don't know who we will be in the future...so there are few requirements...basic morals and standards that are personal to each individual. Respect

Do I want Sweetheart--well, DUH, you know I do.

But I'll throw in my logic too...I invested in Sweetheart, I put love (and promises) into him and our relationship. And sure, I'm younger than many of you out there...so why not risk with someone else?
But do you want him/her back is often a loaded question. It is a common question that needs asking...but loaded. Because we are not the person we were when our MLCers left, and they are not the person they were PRe-MLC and when they are at a place where they are ready to return...they will not be the same person as PreMLC or in MLC...and yet it is still not the same as starting over with a completely new person. Change does not erase history and love.

What requirements would have to be met to open yourself to a reconnection/reconsilliation?

This question can be even more loaded. LBSs put up these requirements for a return...and who can blame them, really...but it doesn't happen or work that way.

MLCers often return broken. You are not getting a shiny new man out of this. After being put through the wringer of MLC...he's worn and ragged. He's afraid he's lost everything--and the majority of everything is YOU...the spouse.
He's also so afraid it won't work...because he doesn't trust himself, that he may martyr himself...you are better off without him. Or he is afraid it won't work because you will be unable to forgive and forget and/or you'll hold his transgressions over him for the rest of his life.
But even with these fears he begins reconnecting. It is a slow process because he enters the process on the defensive...fearing a backlash from you, and at the same time not wanting to hurt you. Any slight upset toward him from you may set him off--due to the heightened defenses. Since you are not privy to his inner workings, you interpret his behaviour in light of MLC Monster--the jerk etc.


Reconnection and then Reconciliation is NOT all in-fatuation highg like when you first met. You have known this person a long time now. Sure there are new things, but there are old familiar things too. And those new things might be exciting with antoher person...but there is skepticism when with someone more familiar than the back of your hand....like a fun but new sex technique...you wouldn't be upset that a new person had learned it from his former girlfriend...but your spouse may have learned it while cheating...UGH. But...he may have learned it from a video...still the OW idea is there and likely.

Some requirements seem so obvious...No OW contact. And yet even this one may not work. She may contact and he respeonds appropriately...every LBSs dream. But often an appropriate response requires a strong (not still broken) spouse. He doesn't want to be mean...he wants to be her friend, he misses some thigns about her--the OW/OMs are not bad people...they are making poor choices and behaving poorly; they also have good qualities.

Counseling...that seems like a good requirement. I made it a requirement...but only when I felt he was ready. I didn't push on the other returns because the OW was still involved...it didn't FEEL right yet.
But we were still able to reconnect.

Maybe the requirements need to come in stages.

Apologies...is that a requirement?
Verbal or behavioural?
I feel showing is more valuable than mere words...though words can be a start...but others never utter the words, or they say similar words, but not exactly "I'm sorry."

An open heart...is that a requirement...he needs to let you in?
Fear keeps the heart shut or the opening at least small...counseling will help here...but that means you need to make the decision to accept him back (and try, no guarantees)before the heart is opened.

Would you take them back without them showing remorse or apologizing for thier actions? If your answer is yes, I think that you are setting yourself up for hurt later on down the road. I know many here disagree with this statement, but I am of the opinion that if someone put you though utter and total hell for a number of years and came back without any regret, apologies, or remorse, you are dealing with someone who has no respect for you and is just settling for you until someone else comes along.

I don't disagree at all. For instance...Puffy made Lisset and offer--"hey Babe, you can get back the prize, take the weekend to think about it."
I do see subtle indications that he feels bad...occasionally--such as when he had to look in her eyes. But overall...no he is not there.
But saying and showing aren't the same thing. Sometimes they don't show it as a gift to us...trying to earn back our trust and love intentionally.

I saw remorse simply in Sweetheart's eyes and body language...in his guilt. I saw it in his pain. Perhaps I brought it out in the open by showing my own empathy...but it was there all along.

We want some public announcement--I was wrong and you are a great person! You were right...or something like that.

Well, it doesn't happen that way. It comes in the quiet moments...and the LBS may not even notice. So watch for those...the moment he looks back at you as you walk away. The way he dips his head, the shadows in his eyes.

Sometimes what you are seeking here is not seen or heard but felt. Open yourself to all avenues for connecting to those sources of communication.

Reconnection takes its greatest leaps when you are least noticing...in the gaps between attention. Just stay attuned.

HUGS,
RCR

[a new 2moro]

i got that humbled look.....a sweet little look...hard to describe..... right before he said he wanted to come home. sort of humbled, fearful, loving you look all rolled up into one.

[brandnewday]

((((RCR))))

Your post makes me want to cry.

You explained things so well and so clearly.
I have had such a hard time trying to put the stuff in my head on paper, and you did it for me.

We want some public announcement--I was wrong and you are a great person! You were right...or something like that.

Well, it doesn't happen that way. It comes in the quiet moments...and the LBS may not even notice. So watch for those...the moment he looks back at you as you walk away. The way he dips his head, the shadows in his eyes.

This was the hardest part, coming to grips with the fact that if he did come back, that he probably wouldn't be grovelling and begging, but may never even mention much about his absence.

This is the part that I did struggle with for so long, because I felt that I deserved so much more then I received.

This is the part where we have to grow up and make a decision to love this person unconditionally, letting go of the past and to move forwards.

I have seen the remorse in Beloved's eyes, in his actions, and sometimes his words. I know he regrets the bad choices he made, and is happy to be back home.

The ugliness of MLC is over now, there is no more spew, or vindictivness. But there is a broken man trying to rebuild his life and face his wife and children daily.

He had an offer to go back to CA and work for a few weeks, which he decided to turn down. I didn't ask him to, but he chose to be home with us. he told me that he didn't want to be apart from the family ever again.

This is the same man who basically ran down the garden path and couldn't wait to get the hell out of our home. He didn't even turn around and wave goodbye to me or the kids, he just left.

The one thing I must add to this discussion is that we can not have any expectations of the MLC'er. Absolutely none.

We can set boundaries, we can protect ourselves financially, but we can't expect anything from them in return.

If they return it will be very hard on the LBS if they are not of the right mindset to receive their Spouse.

Changes need to have been made in their own attitude and this is why newbies are told over and over and over again to work on themselves.

The changes have to be sincere and real. People don't change overnight. It takes months and months and years to see progress.

Even though the LBS is grossly accused of many bad things by the MLC'er, and they may be rather exagerated, there is usually some truth behind the accusations.

Control issues, not interested in sex, overweight, being ignored, taken for granted, the list goes on and on. The changes have to be made, because if not, you will end up right back where you started.

Even if the WAS never returns, these issues are still character flaws and should be taken care of, for yourself, for your own personal growth as a human being.

I am not the same woman as I was before MLC ravaged our household. I have grown up and have survived things I never thought possible. I have also learned how to love my Husband in the way he needs to be loved by learning his love language.

Oh one more thing came to mind...

Your WAS is not the end all of your life. The sun does not rise and set in their eyes. Your life can not stop just because they are not a part of it anymore. Life goes on and life is far too short to waste away pining like a lost puppy.

I know because I wasted so much time worrying and whining about every single little thing instead of living my life to the fullest. I missed out on so many opportunities while my Husband was out in the wilderness.

I will never get those lost years back, and neither will my kids .

If they are to return then it will happen when they are ready, and when they feel safe again with you.

Buy plenty of duct tape for your mouth, because the temptation to have your own spewfest will come up eventually!!

[a new 2moro]

What RCR and BND speak is the truth. I cant emphasize this enuff to people aka newbies. or to anyone who doesnt figure out what it takes for WAS to feel 'safe".

[kikifree]

Amazing honest posts!

[bookpusher]

What RCR and BND speak is the truth. I cant emphasize this enuff to people aka newbies. or to anyone who doesnt figure out what it takes for WAS to feel 'safe".

OK, I agree that a WAS has to feel safe but I guess you can't show him that it is safe until they are ready. If they are like my H...invisiman... then I can't see any other option but to leave him alone or am I missing something?

[a new 2moro]

all i know is when i was finally still...(shut up) and thru that found forgiveness, my H started the process back. when he says he started thinking is when i shut up. what contact i had was minimal and i must have given off an aura of peace...is all i can think. The two coincide perfectly.