Can Married People Fall Out of Love?

[Jeanette1120]

Without going into a long drawn out reason why I've been looking into this, probably more for inner peace than anything, I have been researching both MLC and WAS and....the topic above. I found this WHOLE article very interesting.

When Married People Fall Out of Love: A unique opportunity for personal growth.



By Dimitrios Oreopoulos*



Professor of Medicine

University of Toronto



Delivered at the Clergy laity Conference, of the Greek Orthodox Church in Canada

Belville, Ontario May 24th 2005



Those of you who know me you know that my only credentials for participating in this panel are that I have been married to the same woman for 34 years and that I have 4 children and one grandson
I will address this topic under the following areas:

1) Why do we get married?

2) Marriage as a learning experience.

3) Facing difficulties in marriage.

4) Raising children and marriage.

Why do we get married? – “Falling in Love”

Of course procreation is one of the main goals. However this is beyond our control and, in this regard, we act (as any other animal) under the control of our genes and hormones, which guide a man to find a woman to ensure the continuation of his genes, and a woman to select

the right man, who will take care of herself and her children


I believe this stage that we call “falling in love” is the easiest and perhaps best part of the marriage. Unfortunately, once this event has been fulfilled, in most if not all cases, the couple usually “falls out of love”. Then the couple must begin the hard work to remain together and in love.

Fortunately we have three more reasons for getting married, which help us to remain together. 1) Persistence of sexual satisfaction, even though there is no further need for procreation 2) Taking care of and keeping company with each other and 3) A most important reason for the couple to stay together and in harmony is to create the healthy environment that is necessary for the raising of healthy children and to become happy and productive adults.



Falling out of Love
Recently StatsCanada reported that, overall, 38% of marriages are expected to end in divorce before their 30th anniversary. Stats Canada found that the third year of marriage is when most of the divorces occur. This, known to people for many years, is also expressed in the popular quote:

“First year, wife listens to husband

Second year, husband listens to wife

Third year, neighbors listen to both of them”.



Marriage as a Learning Experience

The two different people united in marriage are called upon to blend their many differences; differences in age, education, biological and spiritual makeup, family and social customs, spiritual culture, and sociological and metaphysical positions regarding basic aspects of life and its purpose. Above all, people, who were in love before, fall out of love when their egos collide in any of these areas

Here I would like to discuss how, after falling out of love, a couple can create a different kind of love, one that does not depend on our genes, but is more real and rewarding. As another popular quote says: “After a man and a woman get married, their romance ceases and their history commences”.

Scott Peck , the author of the book “The Road Less Traveled”. 15 years ago came to Toronto to give a lecture and more than 1500 people bought tickets to listen to this master, myself among them. I do not remember much about the topic and what he said, but I remember vividly that at one point he asked the audience: “Do you know why we have come here on earth?”. He then paused and there was a great silence in the audience. We were all waiting to hear from the master the secret as to why we came here on this earth. After a long pause he said: “We came here to learn”. Interestingly he did not specify what we should learn. I suppose this is up to each individual to find and define.

In my own case, I decided that I have come here to learn how to find God and to learn how to listen and hear what God wants me to do and be able to do it.

I believe strongly that I will find God only in my relationships with others. Mahatma Gandhi said: “If you don’t find God in the very next person you meet, it is a waste of time looking for Him further”. Recently I was reading a book by Barbara Brown-Taylor entitled “Speaking of Sin”. There the author describes sin as “the choice to remain in a wrecked relationship with God and other human beings”. The essence of sin, according to the author, with which I agree, is not the violation of laws but the violation of relationships

I believe that among human relationships, that of husband and wife and that of parent and child are the most difficult but also the most educational and rewarding ones. One can describe two people in a marriage as those who are going through a private school, one of the best schools life can provide.

Jealousy, possessiveness, resentment, depression, abuse, etc. never work in this school. Neither does dropping out marriage and remarrying helps because, in the process, you take yourself with you.

The only way to “graduate from the school” is by changing yourself.

I believe that each one of us can change the world around him or her, and consequently his marriage, by changing him or herself. Most of us we expect our spouses to change hoping in this way that things will improve – this never works; you cannot force someone else to change.

Growing up and Loving Again
The only effective response to a breakdown in the relationship between a husband and a wife is for one of the partners to try to bring about a change within himself or herself irrespective of what the other wants to do; this is the beginning of growth that, in itself, results in a successful and peaceful life with or without your spouse.

To begin this change you first have to accept that some of the difficulties in the relationship lie within yourself, at least 50% of them. As they say “It takes two to tango”. You have to find out the defect that is within you and start working on it. This is the essential prerequisite to renewal. To succeed in this, you need help - you cannot do it by yourself. You can get help from a caring priest, who has experience in counseling, or a caring professional counselor/psychotherapist, or a close and wise friend. Above all you need a great deal of humility to accept that you cannot change with your own powers, and that you need to ask God’s help. Often the decision to ask for professional help is difficult, especially for us Greeks, but this is one of the most courageous and important steps in the growth process.

In this process one gradually can learn to avoid criticizing the other and cease complaining when things do not happen the way he or she expects. These are prerequisites if one is to reach the stage of forgiveness of the other and, equally important, to achieve forgiveness of one’s self. Forgiveness of the other and of one’s self are intricately interwoven. You cannot expect to be forgiven unless you forgive.

I must emphasize two points here: 1) when you forgive another, if it is done as a gesture of superiority or magnamity, it is a sign of arrogance. Only if you realize that the other is part of you and that you forgive yourself by forgiving the other, can it work and bring a relief and a sense of humility. 2) One has to overcome the feeling of guilt, which I believe is the main tool that the Devil uses to block our growth process and maturation.

Many people will say that only through love can you solve the problems in a relationship. I agree withy this but I believe that to reach this stage of love one has to go through these other stages of freedom from criticism, avoidance of grievances and total and absolute and unconditional forgiveness.

This change of mind – metanoia – is hard and difficult and I do not believe it can come through our own efforts alone. It needs God’s grace. It is reassuring in this respect to know that, even if we do not know and do not recognize it, God works continuously in us. Even if we fail again and again, as long as we get up and go on – not relying on our own efforts and power, but allowing Him to take over, there is hope for change



Is the marriage either a harbor of happiness or a shipwreck? It all depends on your attitude. I believe it starts as a harbor of happiness but often goes through a storm that sometimes leads to a calm sea or to a ship wreck depending on whether or not the participants see it as an opportunity, to grow, and eventually find God and be able to do His will and work for His glory.

[TNP]

Can Married People Fall Out of Love?
The answer to that question seem obvious to me given this site's subject matter.

Growing up and Loving Again

The only effective response to a breakdown in the relationship between a husband and a wife is for one of the partners to try to bring about a change within himself or herself irrespective of what the other wants to do; this is the beginning of growth that, in itself, results in a successful and peaceful life with or without your spouse.

In my experience that sentence pretty well sums up whats going on for me.

[Jeanette1120]

Yay! Thanks TNP for the response. So many of us struggle with detachment, unwanted emotions and fear of the unknown. I found it pretty helpful and calming. Once again, it points out that this is not the end, it is the beginning of growth and success if that is what we choose it to be. I especially liked what he wrote about forgivness. As far as the subject matter of this forum......it's Midlife Crisis. This article does not refer to that. To me, that does not matter.....for me, it is too late to change the outcome of my divorce. But I sure can change the outcome of my life!

[dlt1]

I really enjoyed this post. It will help me to truly forgive. I tell myself everyday that I forgive myself, and I forgive my W. Somedays it makes me feel proud, which I fear is my thinking I'm a better person for forgiving. Other days, it almost brings me to tears. I believe these are the days that I am truly and honestly forgiving both of us out of love. I typically feel much better the rest of those days! I want to tell my W I forgive her, but I fear it will be taken as an act by her. Hopefully I can find a way to say this to her at at a time when I truly feel it and she is open to hearing it.
Thanks again for sharing this with us.

[Jeanette1120]

Ahhhhh......dlt1, I hear your hurt. This is hard. Remember that old saying "nothing in life worth something is easy"..or "God does not give us more than we can handle"? My big word these days is "EMBRACE". Embrace this time as YOUR growth, YOUR learning....in time, you will be given the opportunity to tell her that you "forgive her", I do believe it will come after you have "forgiven" yourself. Find your peace, when you do other will gravitate towards you hoping to find what you did!

[dlt1]

Funny you shoudl metion embrace. I have been embracing my feelings and emotions, something I've only done with the happy ones. I'm letting me sadness, anger, pain, etc flow freely for the first time in loooooong time. No more bottles for me (kegs perhaps?) I knwo I havenlt truly been able to foprgive myself yet. I am trying, I know I need to, I juts keep having what if's pop up, and that gets me down. I still need to confront my anger at myself. Not usre how yet. That's why I'm still seeing C. I know a lot of what's wrong, just not sure on the answers of how to do things right.

[Jeanette1120]

dlt1

Read your thread.....sounds like you did great all the way And even tho you both are s young, and were not married long....you took positive action right away!! YAY!

I loved this.......

"No I'm tired of complaining about my belly and not doing a thing about it.

LOL.......made me laugh! I'm tired of complaing about many things, and I too, am doing something about it!!

[WCW]

Remember the story of the couple who have been married to each other for over 50 years? When asked what was the answer to such a long marriage they said "we never both fell out of love with each other at the same time". sighs.

[Jeanette1120]

Sigh....

Yes....I remember it all to well. I remember my grandparents, my Uncles n Aunites......is it me, or is it the newer generation thats gone crazeeeeeeeeeeee?

My parents were divorced....but remarried. and they still bitch at each other.....

[dlt1]

It's all about immediate and sustained gratification wioth no work or effort involved. TV, internet, we're force fed this crap. Some of us believe it, some don't, and some (like me) exoect it until something sever happens to cause a reevaluation of things. I'm thinking a frying pan over our spouses heads may be the severe thing they need!