While your H has probably ended the A with the OW, it will probably take him sometime to actually emotionally get through the withdrawal process. After all he just ended it for the second time. I think my H has told the OW that he wasn't going to see her anymore twice before. He did not share this with me, but I could tell by his actions (mostly because he started working out with me at my gym) Both of these times only lasted for 1 week.
You have so many positives. He has told you he ended the A, he is living at home with you. How is he treating you. Is he loving and kind, or is he withdrawn and cold.
Don't pressure him about the changes that you know he needs to make. He know that he needs to do these things. He is probably just thinking about them.
You do need to start GALing. Once you start it, it will be easier. When we just sit around all day, it only makes for more sitting around. Haven't you ever had something you needed to do and because you had time, you just never got to it. Make yourself do it. You will feel better
Hang in there. You really do have a lot more positives then a lot of other people on this sight.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
You say he needs to quit his job. Couldn't he just ask for a transfer to another school? Quitting is such a dangerous step financially. Will he be able to find another job in time for the beginning of school? I understand that he needs to stop seeing OW at work, but I worry that maybe demanding that he quit is too harsh.
As for calling Retrouvaille, that is a pretty easy step. He could do that without dire consequences. Probably he feels that he has time on that. They must have a lot of people who want to go to Retrouvaille in NJ, cuz we didn't have to do that here in Florida. I guess they can be picky about who they help. It must be really hard to wait for him to do that. I wish I could think of a way to make that happen.
Have Faith and Sara - thanks for the kick in the pants. You are right, I do have a lot more going in my favor than not. He is kind, loving, caring, generous, seemingly making efforts to please - BUT he has always been that way - even in the midst of his affair. He really does lead 2 lives. One at home and one with her. He says he is the same exact way with both of us (except he has sex with her and hasn't touched me sexually in 18 months). And this behavior really isn't anything new as he has lived his whole life split between two homes (his Mom's and his grandmother's - he was basically raised by both of them). Having two separate lives is normal for him. So I guess I'm conflicted because I really can't tell by his actions towards me how things are with OW. For all I know he's still communicating with her.
Which leads me to him quitting his job.
I know that it is drastic for me to suggest he quit. I would be open to other alternatives, i.e. a transfer to another job within the district, but he won't even entertain that conversation with his principal. Additionally, for the last 12 months he has agreed to not return to that school. He himself has said that our marriage cannot work if he continues to work with her. It is very close to September and finding another teaching job is next to impossible (divine intervention necessary) and he may just have to substitute until something does become available. Believe me, I would prefer that it not have come to this, but given his track record of leading this double life in which he is basically the "model" husband at home (minus the sex) I don't know what else to do...can you guys see something that I can't here?
In the past I would have pressured and yelled and complained and made a big stink about him quitting. I haven't mentioned it at all since the first day he has come back. I haven't mentioned Retrouvaille since I made the call and told him that he also needed to call. I'm just trying to be patient and see if he takes the intiative to do it on his own. But not talking about it is driving me nuts!
Ok - I am off to make my list of "to-do's" and see if I can cross off one or two today.
Thanks for reading and posting!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
You are always the first to respond to me and I wanted to drop by your post and drop you a "hug". As you know I am terrible and knowing how to fix these problems or even how to react in any situation but I wanted to say that I am thinking of you and hang in there. I don't think there is any timeline unfortunately. I wish there was because it is so hard living with the unknown.
Amy
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
I am so happy things are on your side, he is back, recommited, loving, etc. But yes, those other things he needs to do are just...looming.....so frustrating!!! I am sure (from his recent remorseful behavior) that he'll come around in no time.
Hi LS - thanks. You're right. I do feel like he should quit and I also feel like it's a drastic thing to do. But then sleeping with an OW is a drastic thing to do too and there are consequences for actions. I'm not trying to punish him per se, I just want all of this to be behind us. And I have connected OW and his job into one entity - whether that is right or not, I see them as one in the same - I guess because they share a classroom?? More than that it is because he has said that his work is where he gets all of his fulfillment in life. Which has been an issue in our marriage as it (the M and me) hasn't really been a priorty - at least that's how I see it. That being said, I can imagine that quitting the one thing that you find fulfillment in would be next to impossible. But she is wrapped up in that fulfillment.
No movement on him making the call to Retrouvaille. The brochure and registration form came in the mail today along with a note from the host couple saying that H had to call BEFORE we could even register - I'm so annoyed. I handed the note to my H and put the other information on the mail table. Time keeps on ticking...ticking...ticking...
crazy days!!
EM
THanks for the encouragment Amy and LWB - I appreciate it!
Last edited by ediemarie; 08/16/0704:03 PM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I am glad some mail came about it, maybe a gentle reminder.
And sadly, I understand you connecting your H's job with OW, I have done that with: our park, our pool, our church, our library, everything OW and H went with all the kids (hers and ours). I sooo understand that. Its like its tainted.
I can also relate to how you feel about OW and your H's job. I feel exactly the same way about my H's job. My H is the CEO of his Co. and OW left as soon as I knew about the A but even tho' it's all been 'cleared' up I feel that his workplace is tainted with what happened. I also can't stand seeing any of his staff - even tho' I know that the majority of them were very against what my H did. None of them had the guts to tell me what was going on and so I feel a combination of betrayed by them and ridiculed by them.
The loss of income etc would be a BIG thing but as I said to my H I would be happy to downsize our house and life style and do shifts in MacDonalds if it got him away from his work place - he laughed. Unfortunately, so much of who our S's are is tied up in their job/ career, that if they did make the change we ask for, we may end up causing more damage. Well that's what I have to tell myself to be able to live with it.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
