I think it's like a democrat and a republican living together. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. And you could show him that speech about disagreement being more interesting and insightful than agreement.
In this case however, I think it is just personal. He's jealous of your father's situation, even though her doesn't really know the truth of what your parents went through at the time.
Thanks Sara - I think you're right. I just have a difficult time controlling my mouth while he has a pity party about the situation he got himself into...sucks. I guess I'll just have to sit and hear it, or leave the room.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
My H hasn't said anything in about 3 weeks about quitting his job. He makes vague comments about having to substitute teach this year, or not having his own class, yet he hasn't actually quit his job yet. This makes me really nervous. If you don't provide 60 days notice to your employer you risk losing your license. He hasn't provided any notice at all. This leads me to believe that he is planning on returning to his current teaching job this fall even though he keeps saying he isn't. His actions and words aren't the same thing and I can only trust his actions at this point.
I want to bring it up with him by saying something like, "have you given any thought to what your conversation with Mr. Administrator is going to be like." But I don't think this is the best way to phrase the question because it allows him to say yes or no. Any thoughts on if I should bring it up with him at all, or if I should just wait and see what happens? Or if there is a more effective way to broach the topic?
I'm emotionally prepared for him to return to his teaching job and fear that he will see OW and that will rekindle his A once again. He seems to making headway with putting that R behind him, and I think that one interaction with OW could throw off all progress. I am also concerned that Retrouvaille will not have the proper effect if he is still seeing OW everyday...thoughts?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
IT's a shame Retrouvaille isn't until October. You obviously can't just let things slide til then. I think I would ask what he plans to do about the situation at work. And see what he says. Perhaps there is something less drastic that he can do to avoid being in the same classroom with her. Perhaps he could ask for a transfer to a different classroom. Or perhaps he feels he has another way he can deal with the situation.
I know you want him to quit, but you cannot force his hand. He must make such important decisions in his own life or he will feel that you are controlling him like a parent controls a child. And that wouldn't be good for your M either. I have substituted myself. The pay is only about 1/2 what a teacher makes in a day, and then it's not every day and there are no benefits. Unless he has another way to make a living, I would be suprised if he quit.
Hi Sara - thanks for responding. I was able to bring this up tonight over dinner...yikes...
I just simply asked if he had given any thought to school this fall. The following conversation ensued: H: well, i don't have a choice. I have to quit. M: have you thought about when or how you're going to do that? H: well, I was thinking of just not showing up. M: (***GASP*** while not an audible gasp, I'm sure the look on my face said it all) Well, don't you think you should at least call? H: Yeah, that's probably what I will do M: I know quitting isn't easy, I mean this is a really difficult thing to do, is there anyway you could work it out where you work there and not see her at all? Is it even possible? H: No, I don't think it is possible for me to be in close proximity to her at all. That just wouldn't work at all, in any way for any one of us. M: Oh. (H looks really uncomfortable so I continue.) I know this is difficult, thanks for talking to me about it. I don't want to dwell on it, I was just curious about your thoughts...(and then I changed the topic to how long it was taking for us to get our food - we were out at a restaurant)
It was quick, relatively painless, and we (***I***)were able to move past the conversation with some ease. That in itself is an accomplishment.
I'm trying to let him own this decision and not mother him. I don't know how I'm doing overall, but I know I'm doing better than I was in the past. I'm trying to accept the idea of him not quitting. He still seems pretty set on quitting, and I hope our conversation tonight didn't give him "permission" to not quit, there are just so many factors to consider...only time will tell...
Last edited by ediemarie; 08/24/0702:50 AM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Wow Em, our H's seem really similar, except yours has completely ended the A. If I may ask, did he end it on his own?
Isn't it odd to see them so uncomfortable? VERY smart thinking to change the subject and move on. Made for a nice evening!! The other night, when discussing OW's H calling our house a lot, I could tell H was way way uncomfortable and I said "Well, I just wanted to straighten it out a bit. What did the girls eat for dinner?", and I could hear him sigh with relief.
It's true that our H's are similiar - I noticed that while reading your sitch.
I'm not convinced that his A is completely over. He says it is. As far as I can tell there hasn't been any contact, but who can tell for sure? He says he hasn't contacted her - but...well...who knows?
"Did he end it on his own?" Good question. The short answer is yes. He did end it on his own. He has told me several times over the past year that he has ended his R with her. He told me in September, but continued to call her/chat with her at work, he told me in December, but then spent the night with her, he called her on Valentine's Day, and then told me in March that he had a R talk with her and told her that it was completely over. Things between us were getting better between April and July and then he started missing her/going through withdrawal. (they teach together so he was still seeing her everyday up until the end of June even though the R was "over") July was rough b/c he told me he no longer wanted to be married to me, and then he spent a few weeks in and out of our R. He eventually left me for her, spent 1 night with her, woke up and decided that he just didn't want to be a divorced man and his R with her would be "tainted" if they actually got together. Within 24 hours he was back home. That was at the beginning of this month.
He seems to be doing so much better. I think he's gone through the withdrawal process and he's dealing with his crap. We're looking forward to Retrouvaille in September but I am really concerned that if he goes back to his same school in September he's going to see her and completely backslide...tough stuff!!
He still isn't 100% in this marriage, but I'm trying to be patient.
"If only I had started this months ago!!!" The part of this process that has helped more than anything else has been detaching. That has been a godsend. It really has allowed me to let him own his own crap and has completly relieved a lot of the stress I had been carrying around. I only began detaching recently. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had never been attached to him in an unhealthy manner. I feel so much better. I used to look to him for such approval and that is so not like me. I really lost who I was in my marriage. And that's WITHOUT kids. I can't imagine how all you Moms do it!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
OMG I could have written your last paragraph!! Scary!!!! I was always wanting H's approval and ended up walking on eggshells, forgetting what *I* actually wanted, and spent all my time worrying about what he wanted or needed. But...if you ask him, he will say he felt the same stuff about me. UGH I have been stepping back lately and letting him deal with his stuff.
Oh man, you have had a ROUGH year. Kudos to you for sticking it out, you are very super strong!!! I am so glad H made the right choice, realizing how much he was giving up. And your weekend in R will do wonders. You should be very proud of yourself!
It's funny you mention the rough year. Have Faith said the same thing today. But, in thinking back over it, I remember being upset, really upset at times, but it wasn't the worst year of my life. I had a lot of other postive stuff going on - I started a new job (teaching), met new people, read tons of stuff, focused on my 4 neices, there were so many good things going on. THAT is the value in DBing. I GAL'd without even really knowing I was doing that. And because of that this past year wasn't a complete waste. I can see how someone that is waiting for a spouse to get off the fence and isn't gal could view his/her time as wasted or awful. If your whole life is wrapped up in your spouse and they aren't meeting your needs and you choose not to gal you really run the risk of falling into a deep depression or worse making your self ill either mentally or physically. It is so important to GAL just for your own sanity. I never really saw that for myself until this evening. Just had an epiphany - thank you!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I go to Weight Watchers meetings every week and this morning she was talking about how, even if you aren't there mentally with weight loss, to go through the motions, then your mind will catch up. She called it 'fake it til you make it'. I think I gasped out loud because that is how I feel about GAL lately. That even if my mind/heart isn't into it all the time, I will discover things along the way and learn to love GAL.
I am so glad you dove in this past year and took care of yourself. That really saved you, and your marriage, it seems!!!
