Ok - so we had a little R talk last night. I did not initiate it, but I always feel like I reveal too much and H reveals nothing. I don't know that it should even matter one way or the other but I always walk away feeling like I have the short end of the stickl. He ALWAYS knows where I stand on stuff and I never know where he stands on things. I guess that is THE power struggle and I'm trying to get to the point where it doesn't matter who knows more about what the other one is feeling. Should it matter??
Anyway, long story short, H is having a difficult time relating to my parents lately. And rightly so. They have helped both of us tremendously over the last year and know most of what is going on between H and I. I have mixed emotions about that and with H's latest behavior I have been very guarded with what I tell my parents. They know the big picture (H left in middle of night recently etc etc) but not any of the details. I feel like it will one day really hinder any relationship building between H and my folks so I've been venting elsewhere and not to them. My Mom called me the other day to see how things were going and I was being very vague in my responses and was upfront in telling her that I didn't want to speak with her about what was happening because it was between H and I and didn't want to ruin the relationship between my Mom and H. Anyway, after hanging up I was annoyed with the whole sitch - not with H or even with my mom, just the whole sitch sucked and I was feeling that.
Well, my father also spoke to H about his recent behavior and while H calmly spoke with my father about it, it has been eating at H all week. Last night H vented to me about "being done" with my folks. I just let him talk about this and didn't say too much. Just affirmed what he felt, thought, etc. In retrospect I think he was just venting. Feeling guilty, annoyed, etc. And claimed that I have been "funny" all week - sited my mood after speaking with my mom to be one of the "funny" moments. I asked a definition for funny - he said just not yourself.
So I then asked if he really wanted to go down this line of conversation and he said he did...I said ok. I calmly told him that I have been trying to be really patient with him as we work through putting our R back together. And that I have been really struggling with letting him make the decisions he needs to make without me pressuring him or pushing him to act in any way. He asked what I meant by that and I told him well, I feel that you are stalling in calling Retrouvaille and I'm not sure why you are stalling. I explained that it certainly can't hurt our m to attend and that it really does seem to be "a less invasive procedure then MC" as it's just us dealing with us. I also explained that his job sitch bothers me, but I do recognize that these are his decisions that he needs to make and that I am struggling with being patient while he concentrates on doing what it is he needs to do. I complemented on some changes he has made and said I don't want to make a big deal out of any of this, I just have been having a hard time with the whole sitch. He replied that these decisions are his decisions and that he doesn't want to be pressured by anyone to make them. I agreed and we left it at that.
This morning H made me breakfast (a pleasant surprise) and told me that he was going to call Retrouvaille today. Now I feel like I pressured him into it and am feeling guilty...
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
He slept on it, he had time to think, and then he acted.
STOP feeling guilty - we women are just SOOOOOOOOOOO good at guilt. Be pleased. He told you last night that these decisions are his decisions - be thankful that the decision he took this time is one you wanted too.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Don't feel that way. He needed a reminder. You gave him a gentle reminder and he took it. He didn't have to decide to take it. He's being nice. Accept it when he's nice. It's always his choice. If he felt that you pushed him, he would not have done it come hell or high water.
Thanks Ladies - I appreciate the support...it means tons to me!
He hasn't placed the call yet. I don't know what he's waiting for. It is at times like these that I truly believe he says stuff just to make me happy/shut me up and not because he really means it. It wreaks havoc on any level of trust that is trying to push itself up through the dead earth of our R.
Somehow I'm not speaking his language. He just isn't hearing me. Or maybe he is hearing me and doesn't care to hear what I'm saying? I don't know...its just frustrating. I think I just need to let it go. It's one of those things that I have no control over. Recognizing it as that helps. I'm done bringing it up. If he doesn't want to try and improve our m there isn't anything I can do to force him to.
Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
H called while I was in the shower yesterday. When I got out he said "I called Retrouvaille. Noone was there, but I left a message. I just wanted to let you know." I thanked him for calling and he said, "no need to thank me, I'm not just doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, too." Second victory. Retrouvaille called back last night and he spoke to them for about 5 minutes. The guy said that we were probably the easiest couple he has ever dealt with. I took that as being a very positive thing. It sounds promising.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Whew!!! It's true. I don't believe any couple has both spouses truly willing to go to Retrouvaille. But wait til you see the smiling faces by Saturday evening! I'm so happy for you. This is big.
Thanks lwb and Sara! I appreciate the kind words! I do feel like it's a big deal and yet I don't want to get my hopes up.
There have been so many things over the past few days that I have begun to understand about my M that I just don't know what to do with it all. I want to get it all down here so that I can keep track of it, get feedback, and be able to address it in C. Warning: this may be really long.
1) I truly am never happy with H. This isn't H's fault and I think it is something that plagues many woman in their marriages. Ex: he called Retrovaille and that is a huge accomplishment - but why can't he quit his job? (i.e. cut all communication off with ow?) I should be thrilled with him calling, overjoyed with the promise of him wanting to work on our M and yet, I feel skeptical of his intentions, and hesistant in believing he will follow through. How do I change this outlook? How do I balance appreciating accomplishments while maintaing the list of goals to be accomplished? I don't want to be ungrateful, I just want it all. I feel like a bitch for even saying that...I guess recognition is step 1.
2) My H has many great qualities and I love him dearly, but the major reason that I even dated him was because he pursued me. On our first date he said to me, "I don't care if you want to date other people or not - you can if you want to - but I want you to know that I will only date you. You are the one that I want to date. There isn't anyone else." And I thought, wow, that's awesome. He's man enough to give me the freedom I want to figure this out and he is strong enough to be ok with it. And he was like that towards me up until about 2 years into our M. Obviously I was unable to keep that feeling from waning, and I'm just so terrified that he will never want me like that again - even after attending Retrouvaille. We had such a great thing going and I ruined our M. He had the affair, but I set the stage.
3) I am his mother. This one is huge. I pay the bills, everything is in my name (except cable), I handle all issues that come up re: our house, our finances, our families. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't even own a car - he never has - he is 37 and has never owned a car. Isn't that crazy? He has comandeered cars (his grandfathers and mine) but has never had one in his name. I need to stop jumping in and solving problems. I have gotten better at this, but I have such a long way to go. How does one build a healthy relationship in which one partner is not "parenting" the other. I now see this as so unhealthy...is it any wonder he felt he could behave like a high school boy and sleep around?
4) Communicating love in a way in which my H hears me. I have read 5 Love Languages twice. I have no idea what love language my h is. Sometimes I think he is words of affirmation - and I need so MUCH help here - I'm really bad at words of affirmation, and other times I think he is quality time. I can't figure him out to save my life. It's interesting b/c he doesn't think he is words of affirmation, yet OW wrote him several cards/letters that I had the *privlege* of reading in which she did nothing but recount the "treasures of her paramour" and those are the very cards/letters he cannot part with. She even burned him a mixed cd - she appears to be great with words of affirmation. He has skimmed through 5LL and says he doesn't even know what LL he is - c'mon?? Anyway - I must learn to hear him better.
OK - that's all for now. My IC session this week should be exciting...45 minutes just is not enough time!!!
I know that a lot of you are struggling so badly with your situations and that I seem really ungrateful for how far my H has come and how much he is willing to work at this. I'm sorry if this frustrates all of you. I do recognize that he is making efforts - I guess I'm still dealing with me. There is just still so much work to be done...
If you made it this far - thanks for reading! Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I don't know the answers to the questions. But I can relate to #1. I am always a little unhappy too. Fault finding. That is a problem I recognized in myself with the Retrouvaille work. So I know it is there, and I try to take it with a grain of salt. Because that quality in me is destructive to my relationship with my husband. When it clicks in, I consciously say to myself, is this his problem or my problem? And if it's my problem, then I say something cheerful or nice to my H even if that was not what I was thinking. One thing I learned at Retrouvaille was that I could still have my thoughts, but I have to control what I say and how I act. And I am rewarded with a happy marriage.
And I do think Retrouvaille will help with #2. For us, it took us back to who we used to be. Cleared out all the cobwebs of resentments. It didn't happen overnight, but with time and some effort, we both focused back in on the relationship in a healthy way. So this does have potential to come back. I do hope that your results from Retrouvaille will be as good as mine. I know sometimes I am Ms. Rosy Scenario.
#3. This hasn't changed much at my house, but some. I do everything at home; he goes to work. (I work too, but not as hard.) I still pay all the bills, get everything broken fixed, clean the pool, etc. But he barbecues A LOT more, picks up things around the house a little more, and once in a blue moon remembers that it is garbage night. It's not a big difference, but it shows he heard me when I discussed this as a problem. And the conversation about it has been opened, I could come back to it if I'm not OK with how things are.
#4. I haven't read the 5LL book, so I can't really answer this question. But, when my husband listens to my concerns and acts on them, as he was taught in Retrouvaille, I feel loved. And I think he would agree. Listening, responding, showing concern for the other person's feelings. That's what you practice doing at Retrouvaille. And it is a love language by itself.
You are doing great at identifying your problems. When you work together to fix them it will not be as difficult as you imagine.
