Other than the sit. with W & kids everything is fine.
We had Anzac day over here last week. National holiday for remembering our fallen from all wars. Went to the parade with W and Kids and inlaws and W's rellies. Was a nice morning we (W, Kids W's mum & dad) all returned to family home after the parade.
Hung around family home for a little while then planned to go listen to a Dharma talk given by a Tibetan monk, Geshe-la, at a local Buddihist place.
As I was making my leave W asked what I was up to so I told her and said she was welcome to come if she wanted to. She wanted to, so off we went. Ended up 1/2 hr late but still got 1 hr's worth of the talk. The monk knows no english so this other fellow translates it a bit at a time. There are alot worse things I could do with my time.
Things are somewhat strained when I'm around the W. I'm getting the feeling that I'm fighting a losing battle here. Just gotta get on with everything else. Leave the door open is all I can do.
Been thinking about the fundraiser W is having and am having second thoughts about going. Will I be able to handle being at same function as W, om, her parents, brothers, sisters their respective spouses and a bunch of women & sundry other dogooders I don't know? I'll answer my own question here but other input is appreciated. Of course I will, I've already had a hair cut, in a proper hairdressers too mind you. First time in years. Have to find something nice to wear. On the night I will be holding my head high and I will be pleasant and good humored to everyone. There will be people there I haven't seen for a while and I'm sure people will be wanting to know what the $&#* is going on.
I guess if people ask I can just refer them to the W and maby she can explain what's happening.
Sick anniversary just gone. 1 year separated on 27 April. W can now file for D as of the 28th. In all this time W has hardly mentioned D word and I'm not about to start bringing it up either.
I have already typed this post the other day. Spent nearly an hour then, bam, gone! All that typing, I was just about ready to send it and then it was gone to the bit bucket. Oh well such is life.
So were was I, it's been a month and a half since my last post here. Sit. with w not noticeably changed.
Went to the fundraiser, made my donation, caught up with people I knew, talked to my children for a while, had a feed and left. Didn't want to hang around with om there. Didn't talk to w on the night. Was a good 100 people there. W & her Watoto friends raised over $1200 on the night.
Have the feeling I'm being left out in regards to the children, I'm hearing stuff second hand that I believe, as one of the parents, I should have been informed by w earlier on.
Must change this.
I managed to get hold of 6 tickets to see the Dali Lama here in Brisbane. Had planned on 4 tickets for the kids one for me and one for w if she wanted. She wanted. I was looking forward to it then d16 dropped out and w said her friend, not om, would like to go as well if didn't mind.
This fiend of the w's apparently is a counselor and has/is counseling my w and has been all through this sit. W has told me this friend/counselor of hers has/had an alcoholic husband who used to beat her. I know it must have been terrible for my w's friend, but I can't help thinking that w's 'friend' may have brought some of her own baggage to the counseling table when dealing with my w. Also do counselors generally become good friends with counselees?
So I was initially looking forward to going with just my family and now, to me, the whole thing had gone a bit sour.
I really let it get to me in the last few days leading up to the day. In the end, the day it was on whilst at work I just resigned myself to the fact this 'friend' was going and I wasn't going to let that fact make any difference.
We all headed off early as there was reports it was a sellout and trafic, parking etc would bad. There was plenty of people there, I remember w & her friend were rushing to the lake at the complex and turned to hurry me up. There I was the picture of serenity, no rush to go anywhere. Ended up a good time and I was stressing over nothing.
Actually was probably best w's friend was there as I had no need to make any (possibly strained) smalltalk with w. I just gave the kids all my attention as much as I could.
One part of the Dali Lama's talk I remember was when he was asked how is it that he does not hate the Chinese for what they have done to his country. He replied something like...
'You don't hate the person, you might hate the action but not the person'
W & her friend enjoyed the day, s14 got a bit bored, d12 & d10 loved it. I had a good day, it was good to see him and luckily our seats were only about 15 rows from the front.
w has told me once a while back that she probably has demonised me a bit to her friends prior to all this happening so possibly her friend may see me in a differing light now, but who cares really, certainly not me.
w showed interest in the meditation I go to, but thats neither here nor there.
d16 has her first boyfriend, tells me she's in love. Ah ain't love grand, especially high school sweethearts. W has been letting d's bf sleep over and d sleep over at his place. I don't know what the sleeping arrangements are but I don't know if I'd be having it if I were at home.
Anyway because w has been having this om round and me being 2 company and 3's a crowd aware type of guy, I haven't really had much of a chance to meet him.
D16 wanted to address this so I got invited to my house for dinner to meet him. It was a nice bit of roast pork, w actually made, sorry tried to make, gravy. It's been a while since I've sat down to a meal with all my family I'll tell you. The d's bf didn't say much but thats alright. I do know they had been friends for a long time before the bf/gf thing. D16 has up to now been very levelheaded so it will be interesting to see how she fares.
The last few times I've seen w she has seemed to be a tiny bit more open and willing to talk so thats something.
Oh well till next time.
Paul
P.S. I think the gravy was significant because I can count the number of times in 20 years she has made it on one hand. But then again om may be a gravy man too.
You continue to sound good Paul. I cannot remember the last time we sat down to eat as a family. Bittersweet for you I bet. Hang in there - things will get better for us.
Went round to see kids other week and om was there, w & om and her brothers & sisters & their respective spouses were all of to see guns & roses. It was a week night, I heard g&r didn't start till after 11pm and it was a pretty cold, late night.
So om is getting to hang out with w's family now. Sort of is accepted as it were. Oh well, wonder if they'll scare him away.
W seems to have opened up to me slightly. Actually said I could join her meditation group the other night. I declined, personally I think all the new age meditation stuff she & her friends are into is no good. She has an unhealthy interest in astrology, tarot, spirits and past lives etc.
Is middle of school holidays here, 2 weeks, so w has decided to head off for the weekend by herself. Well with original om actually. Luckily I had prior knowledge of this so was very upbeat when she finally told me. "Oh lucky you, going there this time of year", "If you catch up with 'old friend' make sure you say hello from me", "you right for a lift to the airport" etc.
This is hard just letting stuff happen and not being able to do anything about what w is doing. I feel she probably shouldn't have gone off during school holidays but see no point in bringing it up with the w or even mentioning it to any of the in-laws. I'm trying to not mention this sit. to any of the in-laws, they all advise me to move on.
Well I've still got a bit more life in me yet. Heck it's not even 2 years yet. Can't belive I just wrote that. Someone once said look at 1 month for every year of the marrage/relationship as a possible measure of the time it may take to heal serious problems. So there's another 6 months possibly.
Will I still be doing my version of standing then? Who knows, I don't.
Took the 3 youngest to Australia Zoo today, all had a good time. They had a climbing thing there, you wear a harness and are attached to a cable and get to climb this artificial structure with toe holds all the way up them. I'm sure you've all seen them. Well d10 & d12 had a few goes, I was impressed. So I had a go too. There was two young Irish lads had a go too. The first one took 56 seconds on the hard climb and his mate did 1 min plus so I took up the imagined (in my head) challenge. 37 seconds thank you very much. Felt good seems they were half my age. But I guess they weren't as puffed out as I was at the end though.
Seem to be handling the sit. better as time goes on. Still plenty of work to do on my good self. Can't expect too much from w's slight thawing given om sit. Can always work on making him jealous but all I can really do is work on me.
Seem to do more lurking here than posting. There is plenty of good advice and support here.
This documentary-styled one-hour film sees Derren in America attempting to raise questions about the validity of certain religious and spiritual belief systems; belief systems that people are encouraged to base their lives upon - such as new-age faiths and mainstream Christianity. Can he get certain authority figures to endorse him as the real thing?
Been teaching d16 to drive, don't they grow up quickly. I want her to learn in a manual but she wants automatic. I cant force her to go the manual as she just wants to get licensed ASAP. She should do well.
D12 went on a school camp to Canberra for the week. W told me in passing that d12 got her first period while on camp.
W is still distant when I visit. om has been at family home 1/2 the time I visit.
Seems w is finding it hard financially. D16 told me of a big argument she had with her mum with w telling her she has to get a part time job. D replied why dont you get one, you're just a single unemployed mum with four kids. W went right off. Crazy isn't it w flys away for weekend and now has reminder notices for power. Power bill still has w & my name on it & d10 said here's a letter for you dad. I knew it was probably a 'power to be cut off imminent' notice and it wasn't for me, w jokingly said yes d dad can have that one. Ha ha ha I thought. Back window of the family car (van) got broken the other night whilst w was out visiting om. This sort of stuff isn't going to help her finances.
W is as distant as ever since her trip away. She said she might meet up with a mutual friend up there. I guessed that she wouldn't and I was right. She would have had to answer some toughtish questions from our friend.
Really not too caught up in what w is up to nowadays, just trying to get on with my life now.
I always have a read of my previous posts before I post to see where I was up to. Last post said ...
Originally Posted By: TNP
Really not too caught up in what w is up to nowadays, just trying to get on with my life now.
BULLSH*T!
Sounded good but I guess I have slipped a bit the last few days. Well whats been gong on, let me think.
W still distant unless she wants to pick my brains or wants something. W has gone away leaving kids for an overnighter with om. Took d16 on my bike to her bf's place so I could finally meet his parents. This is where it gets interesting people.
Pulled up outside and bf's mum comes out bf's mum 'hello etc, you got time to meet my hubby'. me 'Shure plenty of time, would be nice etc'.
We go into the house bf's mum 'Hubby! Hubby here's d16's dad' bf's dad 'Hi how are you' me 'good, nice to meet you' bf's dad 'you didn't come on the yellow Ducati ' me 'Thats not my bike' pause 'gotta go, nice meeting you' I made my exit bf's mum 'you forgot your bag'
The mention of om in the first words bf's dad said just fuc8ed me right over. I was caught totally unprepared and just had to get out of there before the tears came and they sure did. I bawled my eyes out I was just totally overcome with grief, sobbing, chest heaving, cursing as quietly as I could whilst gloving up and putting my helmet on. I just hammered the bike up their street still bawling and cursing bf's dad for his lack of tact, my w and life in general. I did have the presence of mind not to kill myself or crash the bike and I later I pulled up at a secluded spot near the family home still caught up in the emotional storm. I had a cigarette and paced around, calming myself down.
I've gotta laugh at the craziness of it all now. I can't believe how I reacted, wonder what bf's mum & dad thought of my behavior. One day they, my w and I may have a laugh about it but I am starting to seriously doubt it.
The last week or so I have been thinking more and more about me filing. I really need some closure here. I know this sit. is not my idea and if I don't want the d I should not be the one to file. But I still keep mulling over the idea, 'file, go on file'. I'm thinking that the w has had little in the way of repercussions from this. She has the house, car, children a government that supports her so she doesn't have to get a job. While we are still legally married nothing has to happen with the assets. Not that there is any sheep stations or anything but I do not think the banks will refinance her given that she has not worked for such a long time and has not found one in the last 21 months since the bomb. Sounds a touch vindictive on my part I know.
All this talk of filing seems to go against the principle of handing my will and life over to a higher power though doesn't it.
I was caught totally unprepared and just had to get out of there before the tears came and they sure did.
Same here. Even after 18 months I still cry. It helps some but waiting for the pain to end is getting old.
Quote:
The last week or so I have been thinking more and more about me filing. I really need some closure here. I know this sit. is not my idea and if I don't want the d I should not be the one to file. But I still keep mulling over the idea, 'file, go on file'. All this talk of filing seems to go against the principle of handing my will and life over to a higher power though doesn't it. It's a tough call.
I have been working my papers and it sucks. We filed but our court date will not be until early next year at the soonest. Part of me wants to let time do its thing but I really want closure. I want my house back and my hobbies back.
Or do I?? Closure is good but it also means a new beginning. I have much work to do before I am ready for that so "closure" scares me to death.
But it is indeed a fresh start of sorts. Maybe that is what we need Paul.
Strength and Honor. You are fighting the good fight.
Well another month is nearly over, no change in the sit. w's bf is round family home most weekends and has been at extended family get together's I have been present at. He doesn't seem to be there all the time so that is something.
Still think about filing myself probably in the new year around my 2 year sobriety mark, we will see. Seems that when I came to this decision (whether it happens or not is not known yet) my out look has changed slightly. Must be that detachment stuff happening.
Still read posts here but find that too much time spent here can be depressing, don't post much I find I half write a reply then cancel out thinking I really don't have much to offer.
Fathers day next weekend another chance for this situation to raise it's ugly head and cast it's dark shadow over what should be a happy family day. I used to say every day is fathers day and I guess it still is.
Am taking the children to my mindfulness group tomorrow night, The group is having a 'Rose Ceremony' were we honor our ancestors, participants are given two small roses one for each parent a red on signifies a living parent and a white one a deceased parent. I found it quite moving last year and hope that the kids get something out of it, they are all growing up so quickly.
I am of the mindset now that my w will have to be the one to make any reconciliatory move. This will not happen whilst om is in the picture and most likely not happen. I will continue to treat her respectfully and get on with my life.
Anniversary come up next month too 19 years, another non event.
