Trudging up hill

[LL44]

Oh Em, I couldn't agree more with your "I want" paragraph. Replace "I want" with I deserve and that makes even more sense. Venting here is good.

I feel the same things. The other day H made my favorite chicken salad and I thought "I don't want to eat YOUR chicken salad". Petty? Yep, but its how I feel lately.

HUGS!!!

Now, come out of your room and play nice with the other kids.

[Sara]

EM,

Yes. I know what you mean. Have you read the book After the Affair, by Janis Spring? My husband and I used that book to discuss the problem until we went to Retrouvaille. We didn't go through the whole book. But the one thing I really latched onto was that the cheating spouse should make a financial commitment when he/she returns to the marriage. Of course, that didn't play too well with my husband, Mr. Cheapskate. So I thought I would never get it.

First we did Retrouvaille, and a few weeks after we went to an outdoor fair and he bought me $20. earrings. I acted happy with them. Then we went to New Orleans and he bought a beautiful inlaid marble table for the living room for $2,000. Gasp! So I thought that was it. Even though I knew if we broke up he could take the table with him. But the point was that it matches the decor of this house.

Then, one day we went window shopping downtown and he bought me a sapphire and diamond necklace. Then I was satisfied. Janis was right. I really wanted the new piece of jewelry that showed me commitment. Until I got that I kept saying things like, "Can you fix a broken husband?" But you can. Just hold your breath. It will get better at Retrouvaille.

[ediemarie]

The other day H made my favorite chicken salad and I thought "I don't want to eat YOUR chicken salad".

LOL! I know that feeling all too well. It's just chicken salad, right? I haven't allowed my H to get me a drink from the kitchen in ages. He's really good about getting me one when he gets himself one and I can't bring myself to let him do it. I just tell him no, I'm fine. I don't need anything. He must think I'm wacko!

[ediemarie]

Sara - thanks so much. I'm going to check that book out. I think it might help. It is strange how something monetary would make me feel better. I guess it's like being engaged all over again - we must be trained to understand that money = commitment. Wow.

a few weeks after we went to an outdoor fair and he bought me $20. earrings. I acted happy with them.

LOL! Too funny. I would have "acted" happy too.

H claimed to have ended things with OW all year, and all year he's been buying me jewelry from Tiffany's. Necklace for Valentines, bracelet for anniversary, earrings for my birthday...and I can't wear any of it. I feel like it's all guilt gifts considering he was with her the whole time. I feel like he bought me stuff while wishing he was buying it for her - then again, whose to say he wasn't buying two? One for her, one for his wife...hmph...I can't go down that path

Thanks for stopping by! I appreciate it!

[ediemarie]

So the night got better. H had no idea anything was bothering me, so that was good. I spent the evening reading the september vogue - not my normal read but the September issue is fun.

I keep looking for signs. Signs that he's going to leave, and signs that he's here to stay. When he left at the beginning of August I packed all of his clothes up. They are still packed in boxes and are stacked in our bedroom. Everyday I get up and see the boxes that are full of his clothes. He said he is too lazy to unpack - I say (but not to him) he hasn't decided to stay. And of course, the wedding band. He hasn't worn it since January 06, I don't know what makes me think he would want to start wearing it now. I know it's crazy to fixate on this stuff, I really try not to. I just can't help but feel like he's not really in this.

Retrouvaille can't come quick enough - 3 weeks until we go!

[Have Faith]

EM - that was quite a tantrum. I hope you feel better now. I can remember one night right after my H moved out laying on the floor in my laundry room kicking my feet and flailing my arms crying and screeming as loud as I could until I was too tuckered out to do it anymore. I found out why 2 year olds do it. It really released a lot of stress. I'm sure if someone would have seen me, they would have had me committed.

I think I remember you saying that you have a tendency to mother your H. Maybe he is waiting for you to unpack the boxes for him. Maybe he thinks, she packed them, let her unpack them. Just a thought.

We all look for signs. We hang on everything they do and say. I read something in someone elses post today that really makes sence. We really do not know what they are thinking unless they are willing to share their thoughts. We make all kinds of assumptions that may or may not be true. I know that I do. When my H does share I'm about 50% right and 50% wrong.

I know it's crazy to fixate on this stuff, I really try not to. I just can't help but feel like he's not really in this

It is crazy to fixate on this stuff. Again, we all do it. Just because you feel someway, doesn't mean that he does.

I can't wait for you to attend Retrouvaille and come back and tell us your success story. I wish there was one somethere close to where I live.

Hang in there. Three weeks isn't so long from now. Just look at how long you have waited to get to this point. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Faith

[ediemarie]

Thank you Faith for the encouragement. I appreciate it!

I think I remember you saying that you have a tendency to mother your H. Maybe he is waiting for you to unpack the boxes for him. Maybe he thinks, she packed them, let her unpack them. Just a thought.

I asked out right about the boxes. I asked if he was ever going to unpack them. H just said when I feel like it. I'm too lazy right now. If he expected me to unpack them he would have said so. He does know that they are annoying the hell out of me so he could be using them as a power play right now. I'm trying not to care about it. Power plays aren't really his thing either. I really think he just doesn't care enough to unpack them.

Journaling -
Well my mood hasn't lifted. I thought it would but it hasn't. I think it may be getting worse. We went for a hike this afternoon after lunch out at one of our favorite bars. After lunch we drove the trail. My hiking boots were in the back seat and when I leaned back to get them, I inadvertenly leaned on H. He literally pushed me off of him. Not in a forceful way, but in a way that I knew he feels it is unacceptable for me to touch him. I honestly don't remember the last time we kissed passionately - it had to be around January 06. I think he feels that if he shows me any affection he's cheating on OW. I can't take it. I'm ready to walk. I thought a lot about it today and it is feasible for me to leave. I'm seriously considering going. I just can't trust him or believe him. I want to but his actions are just inconsistent with his words. I don't know if I'm going to make it until Retro - blech -

[fightingirish]

Im sorry your in this place right now.. just reading your stitch. If you feel that you need to leave, then you should do it. You have to do what is best for you right now.

Has he given you an indication that he wants the M to work?? I know you said you were going to retro.. what exactly is that?

I can feel your pain and fustration just by reading your email,
Your more of a patient person then I could be. I give you a lot of credit.

Stay Strong..

TAL

[Have Faith]

Whoa, slow down here. Are you sure you arn't PMSing. Not to be rude, but sometimes we can get rather sensitive during that time(glad I don't have to worry about that anymore.)

He seems to be doing so much better. I think he's gone through the withdrawal process and he's dealing with his crap. We're looking forward to Retrouvaille in September

Remember when you wrote this. It was just last week. He is probably still going through withdrawal. He also has his job to worry about. No offense, but he has a lot on his mind. If the boxes really bother you, then move them so you don't have to see them.

I remember when my H moved out the first time. He had left most of his toiletries. Well, I was so devastated that I could not stand to see his stuff because it made me think he was coming back and at that time, I had no reason to believe that he would. So I packed it in a box and left it on the counter for him to take. He would not take it, so I moved to the garage. He still would not take it. He later told me that it made him really sad, because it was like I just wanted to wipe him out of my life (and I did at the time).

Please, just sit on this and wait for Retro. You have waited this long you can wait another 3 weeks.

Now, get a BIG glass of wine, a good book and remember that our moods are just an attitude. You can change your mood by changing your attitude.

Mark another day off your calendar and hang in there.

Faith

[ediemarie]

hmm...wine...I'll give it a shot.