Fair enough on pain, Bruce, Just asking. I know when I went through this, it did pain my wife. Didn't make her come back, but it pained her.
You may need to initiate divorce to protect your assets, because we don;t know if she would initiate divorce before sucking everything up. That is what I mean. But definitely, see a lawyer.
Thanks for questioning my assumption about pain. I like how you try to force the readers of this board to question things, to make sure we have evidence for our conclusions. It's easy to read things and blindly assume "that's it!" without thinking things through. People don't always like to hear what you say/ask IMP, but keep asking. That is doing a real service. There are no solutions without honest, hard analysis that may lead us to someplace we don't really want to go but may have to go anyway, because in the end we don't control the WAS.
As you say IMP, I'm glad to be working on myself no matter what happens with WAW. I am such a different, and better, person as a result of a summer's worth of hard core analysis. And I've got a lot more reading, therapy, etc. to do so by no means do I think I've got it all figured out. Like others on the board have learned, it took the separation to make me snap out of my auto pilot mode, to make the lights start to come on. I look at aspects of my old self with some real loathing and guilt for how it affected my wife. She's got some issues too, but all I can do is focus inward.
One final question on the financial stuff. Sorry for being so clueless! Am I correct to say that your advice is to talk to an attorney before moving any money, cutting off credit cards,etc?
Thanks for questioning my assumption about pain. I like how you try to force the readers of this board to question things, to make sure we have evidence for our conclusions. It's easy to read things and blindly assume "that's it!" without thinking things through. People don't always like to hear what you say/ask IMP, but keep asking. That is doing a real service. There are no solutions without honest, hard analysis that may lead us to someplace we don't really want to go but may have to go anyway, because in the end we don't control the WAS.
As you say IMP, I'm glad to be working on myself no matter what happens with WAW. I am such a different, and better, person as a result of a summer's worth of hard core analysis. And I've got a lot more reading, therapy, etc. to do so by no means do I think I've got it all figured out. Like others on the board have learned, it took the separation to make me snap out of my auto pilot mode, to make the lights start to come on. I look at aspects of my old self with some real loathing and guilt for how it affected my wife. She's got some issues too, but all I can do is focus inward.
One final question on the financial stuff. Sorry for being so clueless! Am I correct to say that your advice is to talk to an attorney before moving any money, cutting off credit cards,etc?
What is difficult here is getting the other side of the story for good reason. There are always two sides to the story.
As for your final question, it might not be a bad idea to see an attorney before doing anything. They know if there is anything that can backfire on you. I don't know that you have to do so, but it can't hurt. And I have found that they actually understand the emotional part well to. My BIL is an attorney and tells funny stories of people spending every red penny they have to get back at each other and then reconciling. This love stuff can be kookie.
Thanks for your clarification about the attorney. Will do.
You are so right about two sides.
At first I exclusively blamed myself for the problems, and still do for a majority of the reasons why we are where we are now. I've come to see it as more complex, that the problems were due in part to the way WAW and I interacted. Our core issues reinforced the worst aspects of one another, though I still am primarily the "cause" of the mess. I agree with Michele's point about interaction being at the core of many problems, and that when one approach doesn't work for a H or W they need to learn a different one. The key thing is that they have to be learned, because the vast majority of us are on autopilot from our earlier experiences in life.
Ever read Terrence Real's How Can I Get Through to You? I'm almost done with it and so much of it rings so true. I'd recommend it to anyone on these boards, especially us newbies, whether we are D or not. Real strikes me as offering a lot of insight into male/female pscyhes and socialization patterns, and how these patterns set so many of us up for failures in marriage. Both men and women, he says, must learn new sets of skills to make marriage work, because the years of socialization, at least for most of us, don't prepare us for a deep, satisfying relationship. He puts most of the onus on men and the way we are socialized into our families and society. Women have their issue to work on too, but mostly they are playing off our shortcomings. He writes, "We are in the relationship mix we grew up in, until we do the hard work of transforming." I know that applies to me, and I suspect to a lot of people. It's a great book!
Thanks for your clarification about the attorney. Will do.
You are so right about two sides.
At first I exclusively blamed myself for the problems, and still do for a majority of the reasons why we are where we are now. I've come to see it as more complex, that the problems were due in part to the way WAW and I interacted. Our core issues reinforced the worst aspects of one another, though I still am primarily the "cause" of the mess. I agree with Michele's point about interaction being at the core of many problems, and that when one approach doesn't work for a H or W they need to learn a different one. The key thing is that they have to be learned, because the vast majority of us are on autopilot from our earlier experiences in life.
Ever read Terrence Real's How Can I Get Through to You? I'm almost done with it and so much of it rings so true. I'd recommend it to anyone on these boards, especially us newbies, whether we are D or not. Real strikes me as offering a lot of insight into male/female pscyhes and socialization patterns, and how these patterns set so many of us up for failures in marriage. Both men and women, he says, must learn new sets of skills to make marriage work, because the years of socialization, at least for most of us, don't prepare us for a deep, satisfying relationship. He puts most of the onus on men and the way we are socialized into our families and society. Women have their issue to work on too, but mostly they are playing off our shortcomings. He writes, "We are in the relationship mix we grew up in, until we do the hard work of transforming." I know that applies to me, and I suspect to a lot of people. It's a great book!
Never read the book, but I have read similar things in my time. I am confident I will be ok with a new relationship, so I don't think of those things anymore, but they are very true.
You are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. You sound like you get the DB part pretty well. Do soemthing different.
It's a tough road, Bruce, but we get through thing one way or the other.
