it almost seemed that W wanted kids, married you, had 2 kids and got what she wanted from you, and she no longer needed to be married and 'share HER' kids with you anymore.
You know of all the things you ever said to me that caused me to think the most. I believe you are close to correct but I cannot accept it b/c it would make forgiveness impossible.
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Being done is your choice. Being bitter is also a choice. Don't be bitter. It's a bad taste!
Right on again. I will try.
BTW, my statement that it is okay not to stand any longer does not imply that I do not support folks who do choose to stand. What I am against is when "standing" is presented as the only acceptable option. I admire those who stand, and looking back I would recommend that working on the M is the best course during the first year or so. After that, I would say a hard look is in order. Then, it is still okay to give it more time and effort. Just realize what you are up against.
On a different thread, frank_D wrote "I hardened my heart". That is very judgemental and negative. The fact is I have chosen to move on with my life without her in my life.
Your posts seem to say that your heart was hardened towards her. Others observed the same thing. It isn't 'judgemental', it's an observation. The fact that you 'feel judged' is often an indicator that there is some feeling inside you that you HAVE hardened your heart and you don't feel 'good' about it.
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And that is okay. For some here "standing" is the only course, even if it means standing forever. "Stand" and you are strong - anything else is wrong and you are weak. They are "sick" after all. Someone even once said the OM is a "drug" for their illness and therefore that is okay.
I don't believe in standing 'forever'. I also don't think that OM is 'ok' ever. However, OM IS a drug because of the endorphin high people get during the 'in love' phase and there isn't anything you can do to change that until it ends on its own.
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Spare me. Please.
Don't believe that is a theme for some here? Just check the MLC forum. How judgemental, when we should be supporting each other.
Now who is being angry, bitter, judgemental?
You're hurt, and that's the only thing I want to say.
As WCW says: "Being done is your choice. Being bitter is also a choice. Don't be bitter. It's a bad taste!"
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But I do not have to be her friend to forgive her. Nor will I try be any longer. "We are in the business of raising children, nothing more." That is her quote, not mine.
No you don't. You can be her enemy forever. Are you going to let her continue to determine how you and she will interact or are you going to decide to change it? Don't you think that some of her interaction with you, some of her negativity towards you is HER reflecting back to YOU how YOU act around her?
I read your sitch several times. If you read Deida and understand him you'd see that she flip flops between 'nice' and 'cold' because she is an emotionally confused woman. Deida says that YOU need to stay consistent in your response but you don't. You let her drive your feelings. so she sees you as 'the same'.
If you read your sitch, EVERY TIME you've set boundaries, been a rock, been consistent, she has backed down or softened up. Every time.
Stay angry if you like, have a good time the next 10-20 years when you see her at kids events. It's really your choice.
I agree with so much of what frank_d says and ultimately if you choose not to reconcile your M, that is your choice. I would hope however that you reconcile with the mother of your kids.
I'm also wondering whether your choosing to not stand is really what you believe to be the right thing for you or is it because you still feel like a victim and blame her for how you feel. If you are truly happy with YOU right now and can't see yourself being happy with your W, then great, BE HAPPY. That is all we want.
Some people won't stand at all, some stand for a short time, some stand for one year, some longer and yes some I would also say stand because they don't know how to move on. Whatever one chooses, is up to them but ultimately our goal is to be happy with who we are.
Always following along and wishing you all good things you deserve.
Hugs, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Thanks again frank but let us just conclude this conversation. I am in a good place right now and I want to keep it that way. I am on a comfortable path - I am sorry that you do not agree with it or support it.
It seems everyone is angry or bitter or judgemental if they disagree with you I see. You should be proud of your accomplishments - less than 5% of the marriages that land here are saved. But trying to say that there is only one answer or one path b/c it worked for YOU, with YOUR W, in your UNIQUE situation....
Well, let me say even the host of this BB does not claim that.
I know deep down that you are really trying to help but this is not helping.
Thanks again for stopping by. I wish you all the best.
Jenny - thanks for stopping by. I am still following along with you but I too am out of words. Things are going so well for you. Thanks for your continued support.
And ISLH: thanks also. It has been a long road for both of us and you have been there. I wish things turned out differnetly for us but I know we will make the best of the hand we were dealt. Despite the recent banter here and on FIB's thread, I for one am thankful for were I am and I read that in your words also. We did not get to the place we wanted to go, but our new destination offers opportunity and hope. Thanks again for sticking with me.
Good Labor Day so far. I have the kids and we are having fun. The sun is not out however - it may rain. I wanted to go swimming but better not. Tomorrow we see my mom, should be fun.
Thanks again frank but let us just conclude this conversation. I am in a good place right now and I want to keep it that way. I am on a comfortable path - I am sorry that you do not agree with it or support it.
Your words. I never said I disagree or don't support your path. I only did my best to point out that there are always opportunities in any interactions with an 'ex wife' to make it better. And, making it 'better' means that you won't have to live for the next 10 years being bitter and angry every time you deal with her. neither will she.
Jeff, that's really all I care about. That the path you are on can find some healing for you and for her. That's it. For your sake, the kids sake and because I care. Maybe the way I presented my observations caused you to feel defensive and if so, then I didn't do a very good job.
I hope you continue to feel good about your choices and find what you are looking for, maybe a woman who doesn't need you to be her 'daddy'. I don't know. Either way you certainly deserve your happiness like everyone else.
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It seems everyone is angry or bitter or judgemental if they disagree with you I see.
Really?
Whether someone disagrees with me doesn't determine if I think they are stuck in anger, bitterness or judgement. Many people disagree with me and many people change my perception of things. I see what I see and I say what I feel.I admit when I'm wrong and I learn from others.
When I get a sense that someone is reacting to an issue very strongly, more so than others may be, then it's a sure bet it's resonating with something they feel emotional about in their OWN life.
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You should be proud of your accomplishments - less than 5% of the marriages that land here are saved. But trying to say that there is only one answer or one path b/c it worked for YOU, with YOUR W, in your UNIQUE situation....
It's true that a very few of the marriages that land here are 'saved'. By the time they do get here they have progressed way beyond any rational discussion and into the absurd, insane place of affairs, anger, bitterness or other crazy making situations.
I'm surprised that any DO get saved but it seems like the ones that DO are because they got here BEFORE it was really out of control, and they calmed themselves down and kept the anger and bitterness at bay.
I never advocate that MY way is the ONLY way or the BEST way. You probably don't read my posts to others threads except FIB's. On some I tell them to 'tough love' the person and boot them out. Others I say that they need to run like hell because this person is a psychopath.
With you, my message is 'work through the anger and look for the positives because you'll be interacting with this person for a long time.'
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I know deep down that you are really trying to help but this is not helping.
Thanks again for stopping by. I wish you all the best.
And the best to you too. The conversation is 'concluded'.
