I just started this thread here. I was posting in infidelity. I don't know if we are out of the abyss of infidelity or not, but I will act as if we are. My H is showing signs of coming around and at times I am convinced that he is 100% here. Of course there are other times when I look at him and think, "Who are you?"
Last week was difficult. A lot of emotion flying around. My H and I have had several R talks in the last few days. This is what I have heard my H say in the last 3 days:
- He regrets having an A as does OW, it wasn't fun for anyone (what?!!) - He likes me, not just loves me, but likes who I am as a person - He cannot have a physical relationship with me right now because of his strong feelings for OW (it would be like cheating on her) - He is carrying around a lot of anger that he hopes to be resolved at Retrouvaille (which we are attending 9/14) - He doesn't know if we will "make it" (for the long haul) because he doesn't know if he can really commit to me - He feels like a failure in terms of his relationship with God, his marriage, and his profession as a teacher - He doesn't think he's able to fix any of this - He has ended his R with OW - He plans on just not showing up to work on day one of school, rather than call or tell his supervisor that he can't go back to work - after some more discussion he said that he would try to resolve this situation like an adult and provide the required 60 days notice to quit - We should move out of state and start all over again (I would do this and I agree) - He believes the basis of the problems in our marriage is communication and I have to do more work in that arena than he does - he's hoping that Retrouvaille will provide a miracle for me in that regard (HA!) - He feels like he's too weak to be married as he didn't have the strength to discuss how he felt in our marriage, instead he had an affair - he should have spoken to me about his feelings
I, of course, have mixed emotions on what he has told me in regard to our R. I feel like he is making an effort - maybe not at the level I would like - but he is making an effort and I need to remember that.
I find some things he says to be absolutely absurd, but I just listen and nod and affirm away. He is right in that I have to learn how to communicate better, but I think it's equal for both of us. I would love to say that he has more work to do than I do, but in reality, I think that we both have different styles. I do wonder if communication is the key to our happiness and stability. Fingers crossed it is because that seems pretty easy to fix...
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Only 2 more weeks til Retrouvaille. I hope he will make real progress there. He sounds depressed. He seems to have a high opinion of you and a low opinion of himself.
The one thing that stands out in all of this is the nonsensical, he can't have sex with you because he is being faithful to OW. Of course, you are his wife, to whom he's supposed to be faithful and OW is a mistake. Does not compute. But don't bring it up now. I dont' want to disturb the tranquility in your relationship 2 weeks before you go to Retrouvaille to really work things out.
There is a section of Retrouvaille devoted to your sex life. So this is something you can bring up there. And maybe by that time it will be a moot point. A lot of the couples mentioned that they had sex at Retrouvaille.
This serial monogamy thing is so odd. They can get over being monogamous with us, but get stuck in it with the OW. I had to deal with that with my H too, but not to as great an extent. He was still having sex with me, so I wasn't aware of the relationship. But once I did find out about the affair, then he tried to keep his body away from me. I did have trouble coaxing his penis back into obedience. I felt like a snake charmer trying to get that thing up. He kept saying, leave it alone. But that's not my style. When I'm on a mission....
I always liked to watch him walk around naked, like to close the door before sex, because he would be pointing at me from across the room. But at that time, there was no pointing. So that became my goal. And I did solve the problem.
I know school starts this week in NJ. I hope he finds a decent solution to his problem with that in time. I can't believe he has buried his head in the sand so much on that issue. Surely the school would rather move teachers around than have someone quit the first day of school.
Yeah, the sex thing has really gotten to me. But - sex has always been an issue in our M. It was never good. Neither of us have physical problems, and are both very capable of having sex with others, but ever since we have gotten married he has struggled with having sex with me. I am convinced that it's an issue he has with intimacy and opening up. I must admit that I have not provided an atmosphere in which he has felt comfortable to open up to me about anything. It's not that I would intentionally shut him out, but we have two different communication styles and, according to him, he has not felt "safe" to discuss how he feels about anything. And of course OW has no problem with making him feel comfortable. I knew from the day we were married that we would struggle with the "sex thing" and could kick myself for not seeking help early on. Our sex life was really good prior to marriage and then once we got married it dissolved to nothing. I think for him it's easier to claim allegiance to OW then to discuss our sex issues...it's *only* been 19 months since he's touched me in a sexual manner - I guess I can wait a few more months...ugh...
"I know school starts this week in NJ. I hope he finds a decent solution to his problem with that in time. I can't believe he has buried his head in the sand so much on that issue. Surely the school would rather move teachers around than have someone quit the first day of school."
Right now he has a doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday, which is also the first day that teachers are expected back. Originally he said that he just wasn't going to go in and he wasn't going to call. He was just going to be a no-show. Then after I said wow you're going to loose your license if you do that, he said I guess I'll call and let Mr. Principal know I won't be in. I let it go at that for awhile and then on Thursday night he said that he was planning on leaving teaching altogether as he has wrecked his life and isn't fit to teach. I said he hasn't wrecked his life and that he really is an amazing teacher and kids in general will be missing out by not having him. I also said that he has the potential to make some really great decisions right now and think about how great it would be if you turned this situation around - what a great example he could be to the kids. He didn't say too much after that. On Saturday we spoke again about his job and he said that he didn't really think he could do anything else with his life but teach - nothing else would bring him fulfillment. I agreed and said that he is a great teacher. He then said that he really wants me to be happy. So I told him that what would make me happy would be him handling his teaching career in a responsible adult manner. He said he could do that and he would speak with Mr. Principal on Tuesday.
So, I'm left thinking 1 of 2 things. The eternal pessimist in me thinks that I just handed my H permission to continue contact with OW and throw himself back into the fog of infidelity. The rarely scene optomist in me thinks that he will go to work on Tuesday and hand in his 60 days notice.
I want to believe option 2, I just don't think he's capable of quitting.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Our H sound very similar, however my H is the one who wount communicate...we are going to the Retro weekend you are, although in different countries!! I am really struggle to!, we have been doing this along time, and instead of getting easier I am finding it harder. We should compare notes on the weekend! Take care!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Hi Limbo - thanks for stopping by and offering your two cents. I am so looking forward to Retro - I can't wait to post about it.
You're right about the struggle and it getting harder. I think it would have been easier if I just divorced him. I'm hoping it will get easier soon. I just want to see a commitment out of him...hear him say that he's here for good. In time, I suppose. Patience, patience, patience.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Wanted to stop by and say I am so glad you are here now, and going to Ret so soon. I see H turning in his resignation like an adult, I really do. Instead of attacking him, you approached him calmly and he thought about it, instead of you forcing him. Yay!
A lot of the things your H has said to you, my H has said to me.
In regards to the sex stuff, I hope you can work that out. I think it has to do with intimacy for sure.
Hi EM - I'm so glad to see you are in piecing. Looks like there is still a lot of work ahead, but Ret sounds like it can really help with that.
I don't understand the sex thing either, except that you have had problems since you were married. I don't think it really has to do with the OW. For some men I think it does have to do with feeling close and connected. I know that it isn't that way for all men, but I believe that it is for my H. I know that your week-end at Ret will do both of you a lot of good.
Sounds like a lot of positives and with help, you will get through this.
Good Luck.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Faith - thanks for stopping by and the well wishes. I appreciate it. Yes, my h must feel connected first and unfortunately I was doing everything wrong at the time. I've learned alot and we seem to be getting closer. He was pretty cozy last night in bed so that is pretty encouraging.
Journaling well after 3 months of waking up at about 10 AM every day, today was day 1 of work - yick. Teachers are due back tomorrow, but I went today to get a head start. I'm exhausted. But, i love the idea of having a routine again and I'm really looking forward to seeing the kids later this week.
My H also went to work today. He didn't resign Mr. Principal was unavailable to talk all day. H was in quite a few meetings with OW today - he didn't mention her at all and I didn't ask. I just know how it goes. He seems to be in good spirits and hasn't changed towards me, which is positive. He said he is going to talk with Mr. Principal tomorrow. In the meantime, he has applied for 2 other teaching positions in the area so we'll have to see what happens. My fingers are crossed.
10 days to Retrouvaille - yippie!!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
H and I had a conversation yesterday that was a little unsettling to me. I lost a little sleep and am now pretty tired and I guess I really don't know what to do.
Conversation in the car when he picked me up from work M: Hi H, how was your day? H: Good, really good. How was yours? M: Mine was good, too. How did your conversation go with Mr. Principal? H: I couldn't do it. M: What do you mean you couldn't do it? H: I couldn't quit. I couldn't even talk to him about the situation. We ended up just talking about curriculum and other school stuff. M: So what are you going to do? H: I don't know. I tried to quit and I couldn't. M: so that's it? You're not going to TRY again? H: I guess I really don't want to. M: hmm...I guess not H: You're parents are going to be mad. M: My parents? You're worried about my parents? I think perhaps you should be worrying about me. My parents don't even know you were going to quit today. H: I am worried about your reaction, too, but they are going to mad. M: well no one is going to be mad if you do the right thing. H: I tried. M: You don't just try. You do it.
We didn't really speak for the rest of the evening. So now I'm trying to weigh my options. I CANNOT go through this roller coaster for another year. October will be the 2 yr. mark in which he began having feelings for her. He sees her daily, all day long. They teach the same kids, share the same classrooms, have their desks in the same room, etc. Additionally, H's car broke down over the summer. That means we have 1 car. It happens to be my car, in my name alone, and I pay all the bills for it - the payment, the upkeep, the insurance. H insisted that I put it in my name when we bought it last year in the height of his A. Well, guess who is stuck without a car? Me. He takes it to and from work. I either have to take the train or wait for him to drop me off/pick me up or some combination of both.
Options: 1)I could do nothing about it until after Retrouvaille - I'll just sit and wait and act as if. And pins my hope that it will all be taken care of there and the things he feel there will motivate him into action.
2)I could just pack some things and move out until Retro - but I think this will add to the issues that we have to deal with at Retro. At the same time this may be the kick in the pants he needs to see that I'm serious. I would take the car and he would fend for himself on getting to and from work.
3) I could stay home and take over the car stating that I don't agree with his decision to work there and I'm not going to make it any easier on him by giving him the car. He can take trains and busses and to work.
I am tempted to pack my things and walk and go completely dark until Retro. I would let him stay in the house and I would go stay at an extended stay hotel or something. I would still do Retro. I just don't know what affect me leaving would have on him....
I'm so confused! em
Last edited by ediemarie; 09/06/0710:06 AM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
isn't retro tomorrow night? I hate to see you jeopardize it at this point. This is why I always say that the hardest part is walking in that door. Somehow people always have a crisis before it. Limbo's having one too.
I can't tell you what to do, that is your decision. I think I would take back my car. He has a job now, making money. So he can get a car.
Personally, I didn't expect him to quit. I did really think he would ask to be moved to a different classroom or something. There are people who work together every day who do not make eyes at each other and fall into bed together. Can these two be like those people?
Mr. Principal was unavailable to talk all day. H was in quite a few meetings with OW today - he didn't mention her at all and I didn't ask. I just know how it goes. He seems to be in good spirits and hasn't changed towards me, which is positive. He said he is going to talk with Mr. Principal tomorrow. In the meantime, he has applied for 2 other teaching positions in the area so we'll have to see what happens. My fingers are crossed.