I am not sure if this was addressed but I want to ask it anyway. My H left me not that long ago. We have three small children. How do I go dark with the children.
I have stopped calling him for the most part. I have decided to proceed on with life for me and the kids. I make plans as if he is not there. But he calls me every day. Over the last several days I have stricktly only spoken to him about non R things. We talk about the kids and other things in each others life. I also try not to answer every call from him
Last week he called me one night late just to see how the kids and I were and to tell me that he missed the kids. I did call him afterwards to see if he was ok because he sounded so down. I kept is stricktly at that he called me back after to thank me for caring.
I have called him this weekend only because he has the kids and I want to talk to them. This has lead to some decent conversations (no yelling and fighting). He has also agreed to go to Family counciling which we start a week from monday.
I am trying to work on my changes: not being so negative and angry, trying to do things for myself and not for everyone else (some of his complaints over the years), I am also trying to not be so critical of his actions, and trying to thank him more for what he does.
I know that I feel better when I do not see him. When I do see him and he leaves I feel sad and cry again.
Is this what they consider going (gray) dark?
mimi
Bomb 3/31/2007 Moved out 04/22/2007 Moved back in 06/11/2007 Wants to stay and try 09/04/2007
I'm going to try this Beth with my own situation. My H needs to figure out his life - he's left for a 21 yr old (he's 35) when we have 2 little kids (one a newborn!)
I really liked Sparky's thread. It's the stuff I need to keep reading. My husband complains all the time that every decision was made for him and he's not going to make any decision on my "timetable". He's so lost but I do realize that I am trying to force my decision on his life. I'm learning I really can't control him and its driving me nuts :)!!!
I'm trying to back off and let him go through his journey - hoping the affair will die a natural death, as they say most do within 6 months of discovery.
Will tell you I said to my H yesterday that I don't think he thinks about things because he never talks. He said "i'm just quiet - I think about things and change my mind daily". That gave me hope - just because you're not hearing your H think doesn't mean he's not doing it.
Give him space - Michelle said in DR that if you do all the worrying about the relationship, they don't have to. I'm a ACOA and a caretaker/fixer. I need to start letting my H fix this and he needs space to figure that out. Whether he will is another thing, but ....I can only hope.
i just read what you have been doing and i think im goint to try it also. i have a hard time not wanting to talk to her every day. i keep reading if you just give her space things might get better but im scared it might make it easier for her to just stay away and not come home to me and our daughter.some people say absence makes the heart grow fonder. im just scared that absence will make the heart grow more absent.
I am feeling the same way also. Seems like the longer that he is gone, the less that he wants to deal with me. When this all started back in May, I tried to talk things thru with him, gave him some things I found on good marriages. Gave him a letter I wrote of the way things were and where I thought they went bad. I even went to him to make up and I thought things were. I changed the one major complaint about me that he had but I found a thing he wrote about desperately wanting to be with this OW and paying a great price to do so. I didn't know what else to do at that time and kicked him out of the house. Now I am wondering if I did the right thing but I couldn't let him stay there after I found his true thoughts.
Since I have kicked him out and talked to a DB coach, I avoid trying to call him unless I have to about some house or kids matter. When he shows up at the house to fix things up, I am treating him like a friend, trying to help him out and just talking about other things. He won't bring anything up about our R and I am afraid right now to say anything about it. It just seems like the longer we are separated the more happy that he is about it.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
The second time I went dark, however, was a different story. It was just after I found out about the OM, and it was at a time when I REALLY started to pay heed to what I was learning here. In fact, it was at the time I was in my first KLA group here. During this period of darkness, I did something different. I really started to take a closer look at things that I could do to change the dynamics of the relationship, instead of counting on her to make the changes. I didn't really change "me" that much, just took the time to figure out what different things I could do to draw her back to me. Things that weren't the same old same old way of doing things that didn't work.
I took charge of changing the dynamics of the relationship, she noticed the difference, and she started to make some changes, too. Things just grew from there. So, this was the part where it was "successful".
How do you "find different things that can draw them back to you?" I am trying to figure out things in "me" that "I" need to change about "me". Patience is a huge issue, being so clingy, and always trying to be the fixer in everything. But if there is no R. If there is a OW. And if he wants no contact with you so you see and talk to them very, very little. How do they see the changes that you are making. How do you draw their attention to you?
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I too am trying to go "dark". It started by going to H house one night and really laying my demands on him. Wanted the truth about OW, demanded respect, demanded H is not to be in our house unless I am home. Well, did not get my answers but H has only one key to house and not to dead bolts.
From there I stopped, stopped calling, stopping dropping in to see him. All contact unless absolutely necessary (kids or money). Bad thing in our stich is that we farm and he has to be around here some what do check cow,do hay, etc. But when he is here I stay in house. If he comes in I'm nice but short. When he leaves, I no longer follow or ask him to stay longer.
No contact first week and a half. Then H (for 1st time) come by to just talk. Good visit. Talked of work, kids, etc. mostly he talked, I listened. Then he led conversation to D. He had a plan of agreeing, and using same lawyer. For me to keep house and him the farm ground. I said wont work cuz I'd have to see him all the time. He said we can get along. And who knows maybe something become of it all again someday. I just listened and didn't say too much. After that he didn't stay too long then left.(No way am I going along with his little plan)
Again no contact for over a week or two. Went out Friday night with my brother and ended up with SIL's and niece. H called me at least 8-10 times. I answered first few calls. He wanted to know where I was. I didn't tell. Then it was stupid accusations and crap. I quit answering calls. He came out home to see if I was there. When I did get home I parked my car where he couldn't see it. (I know, playing in the game, shouldn't have) He came. Calling my phone as he didn't think I was here. He seen me and then went on to throw a major fit. (He was drunk) I ended up calling the police(1st time ever). He left before they got here. So nothing more happened.
Next day he showed up about noon in driveway. He called my cell, asked me to come out. I did, his first words were, I'm really sorry. That was really stupid of me and I'm sorry. I don't know why I got so mad.
I asked him if maybe it could be because he still cares. He said no that's not it. Yes he cares but no, not like that. That he really didn't know what came over him. I let it go. Did not push it any farther. I did say, he was just pissed cuz I wouldn't tell him where I was and quit answering my phone. Yea, he said, could be. He said I did nothing wrong, that I can do what ever I want etc... We had good visit otherwise but it was short.
Today, was here shortly to do hay. He seemed almost pissed at me. Wouldn't look me in eye. Very short. But that's okay. I really didn't have too much to say to him either.
I hope that the "dark" is working on him but then again, maybe just making it easier for him to be with OW, and forget about me and the girls. Maybe easing his guilt some. As far as his fit the other night, probably just a drunked control thing, maybe he really doesnt' care. Then again, maybe it turned his head back to me again if only for a night.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I think it is doing something! There is regular contact instead of 1-2 weeks of nothing. That's a change in the right direction. He says you can do whatever, but his behavior shows that it bothers him. He's contradicting himself, which I interpret as confusion. Confusion means he's contemplating and thinking of things. Now you have his attention, show off your GAL and stay positive so he wants to be around you. Just keep playing it cool and don't act too interested and don't talk about R. If he brings it up, take it slow and be careful. Let him keep wondering about what's going on with you. I'm so excited for you. Hopefully this dark thing works for me too. It's only been 2 days with no contact. Hey, does sending a couple pics of the kids count a pursuing?
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Same here. The longer he is away, the easier it seems to be for him to stay that way. He doesn't even call to check on the kids anymore. Hasn't seen them in over a week and that was only because I lapsed and showed up at his eye doctor appt. That royally pissed him off.
He moved out on the 19th, and we've had very little contact. He's asked to see the kids a few times, but has only followed through once. A handful of times he's said he's coming, then just doesn't show or call.
He's playing games with the money.
Seems like he is taking walking away to the extreme.
However, the way I see it, it can't get much worse. So what do I have to lose by going dark? It may work. I've seen it work for others like 789 and TOH seems to be getting a response too. Looks like it typically takes 2-3 weeks before a anything happens. We just have to be patient and try to have faith. If we can stick to it, we have a chance.
It's hard not to react to fear and panic, but we have to rise above our fear. The way I see it, if the worse happens (H gets content to be w/out us and files for D), then I've already begun to learn how to live w/out him. This is scary, but it prepares myself and our two small children no matter what.
I've decided to try to wait out the A with OW til the end of the year and then re-evaluate our sitch. Seems like a long time, but is small when I compare it to the length of a lifetime.
Good luck, everyone!
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
