"Going Dark" - 101

[samina]

Hi

I need some advice as to what to do next. My H had EA which began in 05/08, began to behave distant and said it was work problems etc and then told me in 08/08 he wanted to divorce as he had fallen in love with someone else. He has not been interested in any talks and wants divorce. I have been DB and talking to Cheryl. I went dark 2 months ago and he moved all his belongings out a month ago and moved in with OW. He kept getting in touch initally when I went dark but I only responded to financial things. I have not heard any thing from him for about a month and then last tweek he got in touch by e-mail

He wanted to know if he could come round and download music on my PC to his laptop as he had just bought one now. He also asked what was happening with the divorce. I replied with a date that was convenient for him to come round. I told him I had sent the divroce papers and he needs to check with his lawyer as to the next step. His mail still cmes here so I asked him to re-direct it. He replied with ok. He came round yesterday and was very nervous around me. Might be because he still cares about me or he doesn't know how I will react to anything (he has already said he finds me unpredictable). Anyway I tried to do a 180 and kept quiet and agreed with him rather then try to have chats and try to reason with him. He wanted me to sort some things out for him which I did and he said he appreciated that.

He didn't seem keen on leaving but I didn't initiate any talks etc and he said see you around. He still didn't leave the keys to the flat as I had previsously asked him to do. I have been dark for 2 months and do not know when the right time to come back is. I spoke to a fellow DB 2 weeks ago and I thought I was done with DB but when I saw him I realised I still love him and now I don't know what to do. If I stay dark then I know that I will not want him back as my feelings are already fading but I don't want to jump back in as it was too painful and the reason I went dark was to let myself heal ( which has happened - I no longer react) and also to stop pursing which I have always done.

Any suggestions?

[JCJ]

Hi Samina

I understand why you went dark, it must hurt. It does sound like he is trying to make small contacts and you are blocking them. Going dark isn't a defense mechanism. If you want to work on your marriage I would start to be a little more open and receptive to these gestures. Otherwise he will give up and stop them if he is rebuked each time.

This is jmo.

Good luck

[pauld2100]

I have an important question about going dark, I did do this also for a while after I found out she was dating. as I have read here I was already in that dark mode before I left and it may have done more damage but I did try small things to "save our R" but that also backfired. so I went dark again and she did finally call here and there but also has help her grow away. It seems anything I try or do or say is countered with the opposite of what ever it is, I did see some small positive but she quikly stoppmed it out. So since I was dark before and she won't repspond to any ideas from me to some thing diffrent then what WOW what a challenge plus an OM on top of that!?!?!?

[samina]

Hi

Not sure this will help as I am not fully aware of your stich, will look it up. I had a similar problem with going dark, I went dark and initially he contacted via mail all the time, but it was always with a plausible reason, finances, flat, picking up things etc etc. I think he also felt obligated to ow to have a reason to meet me.

With the post above I took Julia's advice and then got in touch with an email a few days later, telling him about the concert I went to as H loves Nick Cave. He immediately responded, seemed pleased to hear from me and gave me another artist to go and see. We then had some e-mail contact but nothing had changed. he is always polite/respectful to me and will always answer my e-mails/phone calls and even meet up. We have been interacting well now for a few months but he still wants divorce.

I think in some cases like in mine - nothing works. The WAS has to go and live their life as they see fit and we have to live ours. He seems happy to be friends and I know he still cares and respects me with the actions I have seen over the last few months but he is not "in love" and there is nothing I can do about that as he is "in love" with someone else.

In this case I have done what is best for me. I can't be his friend, it is either a marriage or nothing. I think you have to decide what you want and do that. Still aim to be the best you, and GAL and 180 but they are for you. If going dark has helped you heal then do it and wait for her to initiate. But I think you need to have no expectations.

[samina]

Hi Paul,

Have read a few of your posts and I think it'll help with you going dark, in that I think you need to take the time to heal yourself. It seems you have had some responses from W and you expect everyting to turn around too quickly. You have to learn to be patient. You need to stop talking about the R and what she is up to. Stop any snooping and just concentrate on yourself. GAL and 180 so that when she does get in touch she can see something different. Please take care of yourself and look and feel good otherwise why would your W want to come back?

[pauld2100]

this was her last e-mail

Paul,

There is not much to say that hasn’t been said already. We loved each other, we tried to make this work-both of us gave it all that we were capable of, I believe.

With that said, I have to move on. I could stay in the house, not date, and remain miserable or I can get out and actually live life. I hope you are too. I hope you

Know I still care about you, what happens to you, your health, your future. I will probably always love you. But we just can’t try to make this relationship work, again.

So, I will move on and so should you… I am finding it gets better with time…

Love, Nicole

[samina]

Hi Paul

I would stick to being dark. You don't need to reply and if you want to then just validate. My H came up with: I don't know what was wrong with our marriage but I've fallen in love with someone else and so fallen out of love with you....didn't want to even try counselling or trial separation. It doesn't make sense to us but it does to them. If you try and reason with her then she will think you are trying to control her.

She needs to go and date and do what she wants and see that the grass is not greener on the other side...this only works if you have something better waiting at home. So you have a lot of work to do so stop thinking of what she is doing, you mentioned in another post that for years you have being doing things for her.. youu need to change it and do things for you and re-discover what you enjoyed doing. Show her an attractive man to come back to.

What are you doing for yourself? What are your 180's, GAL and what issues do you think led to her leaving? Which of these can you change?

[pauld2100]

anyway I don't think I mentioned that not 2 months ago this same person wes talling me things like we have something special and kissing me and so on... I guess I am in a state of shock. Did chasing her completly kill it for her or can that recover. hard to tell I guess but now with an OM that maybe temperary not sure but sorry to ramble.....

[samina]

Paul, not more then 3 months before the bomb we were discussing having children!!!

It makes no sense, and no need to apologise. You need to let her go. You didn't answer my questions. Have you done anything different and stuck to it? 180's and GAL for YOU??

[pauld2100]

you know the thing that sucks is I didnt take her out much and she always asked me to but I came up with so excuse not to, SO that is one big change that i would love to show her but she rarly repondes so I don't even try to anymore.. catch 22, she has been burnt already tring this dating thing but has continued anyway I do validate and told her to go ahead and date. tring hard to make her think I mind a little but not tring to stop her. Sad thing is I think she is dating one person and is using that just for something to do not in love like we were so that blows me away that she would do that instead of just dating me for a while and see where it could go.