Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

Retro is next Friday - almost 1 week away - it can't come quickly enough.

I didn't expect him to quit at this late date. I have asked and wished he would quit, but I always *knew* that he would have a very difficult time doing so. He has said from last FALL to now that he doesn't believe that our marriage can work if he still works there. I believed that I was more important to him than he is showing. I also believe that our marriage can't work with him in the situation he is in. He needs to do something. Clearly I can't do a thing.

The OW is in her late 30's and still lives at home with her parents. She saw my H as her way out of that situation. She hasn't tried to contact him in the last few weeks and he has said that in the past he was always the one to reach out to her, not vice versa. I don't believe that my husband can avoid making eyes at her. I think she could walk away, I don't think he can. But then, I don't really know her, so it's just all a guess. I'm sure with him being back at work she's beginning to think that maybe he really does care about her - obviously I don't know that for sure. He told her earlier this summer that he was planning on quitting, she even offered to quit (as she agreed it was a strained working enviornment) and he told her he would be the one to quit....

blech...this is the same stuff from last year...

[limbo]

Edie,

I can sympathize with what you are going through, as H let me know today that he is going to have to return to the office the ow works in, and she sits about 20 ft away from him!
And we are only a few weeks since he was with her, so I just don't think he will be able to resist.
Its so hard to know what to do, I feel so tired mentally, and I just don't think I have it in me to go through the additional fear of him being so close to her!
Retro is just over a week away, and as it gets closer I am more and more apprehensive about going!

[ediemarie]

Thanks Limbo - I appreciate you stopping by.

I just don't get it. We go around and around about his working with her and interacting with her. We had another go this evening. I don't want to cloud up my evenings with this crap - I want to come home and relax, enjoy dinner, share a bottle of wine - and yet when he says things like, "we won't work if I work with her" - and he isn't willing to take the steps to NOT work with her, I'm left believing that he just isn't interested in US working.

I can totally relate with you about the being so tired mentally. I told him tonight that I don't have it in me to keep living like this - it will be 2 YEARS in October since he began having feelings for her. I've done all I can. I think me moving out might be the one thing that hits him hard enough to actually change. My therapist suggested it a year ago and I thought she was nuts. She may have been right.

[limbo]

I haven't told h about not having it in me, I will though...I have been at this a year, and you know you are right, enough is enough.
One week today! I so hope it lives up to our expectations!
As far as moving out, maybe wait to see what happens on the weekend before making the final decision on that.
In my mind this weekend, will I think determine for me what my next move will be.

[NikB]

Hi Edie, thanks for visiting my thread - just catching up on you.

Wow... I can't believe we are in such similar situations. I'm coming up on 1 year since the bomb, 2 years since OW entered our lives. It is amazing how quickly time flies by isn't it? Does it go this quickly when you're not in 'crisis mode'? I don't even remember.

I'm so excited for both of you going to Retro! I look forward to seeing how it goes for you. It's interesting that you're both going in with the "knock off the fence" attitude as opposed to "save this M" - I think that's great and very healthy.

Edie - as for "another go" about the OW, I've been there done (and doing) that too. I'll suggest to you what I"m attempting to do, which is cut her out of your mind completely. You don't want her in your life, right? So stop thinking about her and bringing her into it. SDFoundGirl has posted a lot about this. Focus on what you DO want, not what you DON'T want. Easier said than done, I know, but it's helpful advice I think.

[ediemarie]

Nikki - thanks for catching up on my thread. I am glad for the opportunity to go to Retro. At this point I don't know how it's going to turn out. There is a lot of pain on both sides of this marriage. I am hopeful for a solution to the pain and whatever Retro provides, I am open to it.

I think not focusing on the OW is so much easier said than done - especially when his feelings for her are so strong. H told me tonight that he never really ever committed to me (somehow this was news to me??) and that he has fully committed to OW. I don't know if he meant that or not as he is living in our house - but, I think there may be some truth behind that statement. I certainly didn't like hearing it, but if that's how he feels, at least he admitted it.

I would like all of this to be behind me and I don't know that we will make it. For the first time in a long time I'm beginning to doubt our love and our marriage in a very real way. It's not so pretty in our house right now.

em

[Sara]

EM,

That's just mean stuff he's saying. Where does he think this will lead? Does he think at all?

[ediemarie]

Sara - I loved this comment.

Does he think at all?

I don't know the answer to that. The short answer is: he thinks, but not about my well-being. We talked some more this morning. He suddenly has so much to say (which I think is because Retro is one week away - you know the whole theory about fixing your ailments prior to going to the Dr or Counseling??).

Last night got a little heated and he said a lot of stuff that was hurtful and mean. I was able to clear the air about most of it this morning. He finally admitted that he wasn't ever really planning on quitting his job (really?? duh!) so I was happy that at least he told the truth on that one - finally. I said that if he isn't planning on quitting then he should think about some ways that he could change the dynamics there so that I would feel more comfortable. He said he would think about it and see if he could come up with anything. I already have a few ideas in mind, but want to see what he comes up with. Hopefully we will be able to address this further next week.

It is true that the betrayed spouse MUST stay as positive and as detached as possible. I can't stress it enough, nor can I say it enough as a reminder to myself. The minute I get upset H thinks "OW would never do this" and she becomes that much more attractive.

I'm feeling better this morning (we both are) becuase we had an opportunity to speak calmly and openly about last night's hell raiser. He said again today that he is looking forward to Retro and he's pleased with the process they teach. *I* have to come to terms with the work situation - that is going to take some effort. I'll keep ya'll posted.

em

[LL44]

edie,

Glad you are in a better place today. Sometimes hashing it out calmly is the key.

"The short answer is: he thinks, but not about my well-being." I soooo know that feeling. It hurts darnit.

Is Retro this weekend?

[ediemarie]

Hey LWB - I just left a post for you on your thread I so feel for you. Thank you for stopping by my thread!

Retro is 5 days away! It begins Friday and it can't come quick enough. H and I were joking around and laughing this morning about keeping secrets (i don't really remember the context but we were laughing) and he said "seriously, W, no more secrets for me. I'm not keeping anymore of them. It's not who I want to be." He says stuff like that from time to time and I find myself wanting so badly to believe him. I don't want to keep doubting him. Outwardly I said to him, "I know H. I know this hasn't been easy for you either." Inwardly I'm thinking "yeah, we'll see how long THIS lasts."