3 Weeks till WAW moves out.

[Larrynarry]

Howdy... great resource. I'm waiting on the Divorce Remedy book to arrive any day now. Move out day for the Wife and 2 kids (daughters, 5 & 3) is the 27th.

Here is my story so far:

Wife and I have had issues with our marriage... I understand now that I wasn't affectionate enough, but there were issues on both sides. Plain and simple, we just weren't happy together. We've seen counseling twice and neither of us really committed to doing anything.

2 weeks ago she went out with a GF from work and got too drunk to drive which is not her. They are teachers at a daycare, and one of the fathers showed up. He ended up giving her a ride home. Oddly enough, this guy is going through a divorce and my wife knows him and his kids relatively well.

A week ago, she goes out with GF again. At 0300, I get nervous and call her. No answer.. I call GF and she states that they are over at OM's house and he is showing her around. W says he is just a friend and it's no big deal.

The following evening, W goes out with GF again. This is key because she said she wasn't going to see OM and I caught her in a lie. She still says he is just a friend, but she is being very secretive about her phone.

Monday she says she wants to get separated.. and she isn't backing down. We've had ups and downs, but she went out last weekend and stayed out till 0400. I was supposed to be somewhere the following morning at 0730, so I called her at 0200. She was at OM's house with GF and GF's boyfriend. Again, she claims he's just a friend.

I've helped her get an apartment, went shopping with her yesterday for new bathroom stuff.. we've hashed out what stuff will be going over to her apt from the house. We've talked about kids etc.

I finally asked her what our status was.. does she want to date? Can we talk? She basically told me she was emotionally fried and doesn't want a relationship right now. She is willing to work on us, but she wants to take it VERY SLOWLY.

I don't have the book, but I'm struggling with what to do and how to react. I'll post a follow on with what's going on currently.. any help would be appreciated.

[Larrynarry]

Since we are living together still, it's very hard to know what to say or what to do. We are still hashing out the separation details and that does provide conflict. I'm not going to roll over, but I don't want to make things worse. It's fairly friendly at this point, but I want to keep it on the right track.

I'm supposed to file for separation today or tomorrow... we agreed I would do it because she can't afford to. She will be meeting with an atty today for a second opinion, but probably much won't change.

How do I communicate with her? There is tension... but there are times when she seems happy and interested. Then there are times when I have to reach out to her.

I've started leaving notes for her... she likes that. Although she didn't mention anything about the one this morning.

This will be odd as she works at the Daycare our kids attend. I will see her very often.. we've even agreed that I will watch the girls when she has school on one of her days. It's very friendly, I just want to do the right things to win her back.

She still talks (and probably sees) OM. I've stopped snooping (mostly) and have backed off of her on it. She likes OM because he listens to her and genuinely seems interested. He is also going through a divorce, so she feels sorry for him and they have something in common. I think he's using her because he's 41 and she's 26.

Ironically, a woman from my past shows up about this time. She found my email addr and pinged me to see how I was doing. She's recently divorced and has a 1 year old. I thought it would be nice to have someone to talk to since W isn't really talking to me. I informed W of this when she called one evening... that was not very well received which I expected. I've delayed talking with this woman in fear of upsetting the apple cart. I would only be friends and nothing more, but I know how perceptions work. W is very jealous. Should I use this other woman as bait, or will that just drive her away? I think I know the answer, I would just like validation.

As for DBing in my current situation... what is right?

Thanks for any help!!

[savingus77]

Do not use the other woman as bait! Do not play any games with her. If you want to save your M, just do your best to show her that by giving her space, being as upbeat and pleasant as you can be in her presence & make sure to do the 180's and work on whatever it is that you need to work on to make yourself a better person - for yourself & your marriage.

I am not sure about you filing for seperation. Are your accounts not joint? I am referring to the fact that she said she doesn't have money to file? I am not sure if you filing is sending the right message. While I don't think you should/could refuse a seperation, I am not sure if you should be the one to file it if you don't want one. It sounds to me like she may not be 100% sure that is what she wants - so she thinks it will just be easier if you do it b/c that will make her feel better about it. Just a thought...

Good luck!

[Larrynarry]

Money has always been an issue for us. She has her own account and we both agreed that I shouldn't have to pay for her atty. She can't afford an atty on what she makes, so we would be going through my atty. So far everything is civil and I don't have a problem with that.. if it does get ugly, that's when I will recommend she get her own. She wants to move out and needs the CS that a separation will provide to do so. I don't want to separate, but I want to keep her happy.

[MissingMyHoney]

Let her be, let her have all her cake and let her eat it. Let her get her own apt and pay her own bills. Phone - you can login online and see the mins used or called and get a new pwd set if you know her ssn.

Friends dont stay out til 4 am esp when you dont know who this male friend is.

[Larrynarry]

Oh yeah... 180's... She had been bugging me to quit smoking, so I had gone on Chantix... had been done for about 2-3 weeks when all this happened. I'm proud to say I have yet to go back and don't plan on it. I did drink quite a bit.. beer nightly. I don't think it was a big issue (she even said so), but I wasn't happy with it. Now I don't keep beer in the house. I will drink when I go out, but not at home unless it's a special occassion. I've also started working out and plan to continue to do so. I'm going to therapy on Wednesday and W has asked to call the same place. I have no issue with that either. I really need to get a plan in place and work on executing... I'm hoping the book will give me some guidance, but I've tried to start on my own. She's noticed already, but it's early... really just a week. I'm sure she's thinking "How long will this last" that's where I have to be dedicated... which I will.

Without the book, I keep seeing things about stopping pursuit. Am I in this zone? Being that we are friendly and all, I know she is lonely and wants attention.... which is what she gets from OM. I want to show her affection, but I don't want it to seem cheesy or desperate which I'm sure it does.

HELP!!

[MissingMyHoney]

Yes you are in that zone, its a phase you are going tru. I have been tru that too and not I feel as if it didnt happend but it did since we still dont sleep together.

About the drinking, see if you can do without it. I have been sober for 2 1/2 months, thank God. No AA though, I am not ready for that. I do turn my life to God and church, this has helped me so much.

Do simple things you normally dont do, go to malls, buy new clothes, get a hair cut often, dress up on wknds. Go to dinner alone for a bit, invite her only if you feel like it.

[Not Much Left]

jar
love the name, are you a marine? I love that movie w/ Jake Gillenhall. Anyway, you are living classic WAW syndrome maybe MLC? How old is your W?

Rest assured, you are not alone. Personally, I get furious when I read stories like yours (like mine, whatever). Sure, there are always problems but unlikely the grass is greener. If we all went around doing this, the whole freakin society would collapse. I digress.

I wouldnt file anything if I were you. Just go about your biz.

C

[Larrynarry]

She's 26. She has some issues, and is very immature. I believe part of this is to prove to herself she can be on her own. Which she definitely needs. Only problem is, MIL won't allow her to be truly on her own. Maybe that will work for me as well... MIL will start to hammer on her and she won't be able to fight her off alone. Or, she could lean on OM to help her out. Who knows. MIL doesn't like me and blames me for this of course... but W has been lying to MIL as well. Still, MIL is backing her D which I can't blame. MIL actually called this morning to ask if W was taking the treadmill they gave HER for Xmas. If not, they would like it back as theirs is on the fritz. W is taking the treadmill.

[waw1978]

Hey Jarhead.

Let me give you some WAW insight. Your W is confused, hurt, probably angry. This is a tough time for her too. Do not file anything right away. You are way to early in this game to be giving up. Filing now will send the wrong message. It will say to her that you want this separation and divorce as well. If its not what you want then just let things be for a while and see where it leads. Give her time and space. You cannot control her or her actions regarding OM. Yes its awful to be here and going through this but you can make progress even if it seems hopeless. Try another MC if you didn't like the last one. Sometimes it takes more than one try. Read some of the other sitch's on here...lots of good advice.

Don't give up!