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Well, the only way for him to feel safe and be able to continue to reveal secrets to you is when you can accept him and not judge him for what he tells you. When he feels safe from you to do that then there wouldn't be any reasons for him to keep things from you. Basically he will shut you out eventually if you keep scaring him when he tell you something you don't like. :P


M: 31
W: 31
M: 7 T: 8
S:4 D:2
Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one
S on 9/2/07
W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.

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DaveJ thanks so much for stopping by!
well...duh! Of course what you have said is so true! But two years of lies are not easily forgotten. I would love to not be judgemental. I would love to believe him - BTDT and got hurt all over again. I have no doubt that his lack of opening up has everything to do with my approach (thus the IC) and is also why I am so hopeful for Retrouvaille next weekend. Can't come quickly enough.

"Basically he will shut you out eventually if you keep scaring him when he tell you something you don't like."

so so true! And it wouldn't even be eventually - it would be immediately. I've gotten better at this - believe me. I used to be awful and fly off the handle at any whim - now I'm really not bad at all. Years ago I would have made a snide remark when he commented on the secrets this morning. Today I just said I know this is hard for you - and I do. I see the pain. Just can't help thinking that I'm going to get burned again as he sees OW every day, all day.

Thanks for your thoughts!!!


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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Yeah I understand where you are coming from. It's easier said than done. Also, if he feels secure about the M and that you will be around to work things out with him then it also lets him relax about telling you things. For years I'm scared to tell my W even the most smallest and trivial things because I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and not knowing what may make her upset. Everytime we have a big fight she always threatened to leave. Really made me insecure about our M whenever conflicts arise. They say you are suppose to love like you never been hurt before. Hang in there! I'm envious that you guys are going to Retro. \:\)


M: 31
W: 31
M: 7 T: 8
S:4 D:2
Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one
S on 9/2/07
W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.

My sitch:
http://tinyurl.com/3dqw93
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
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Thanks for your insight. My H used to say all the time that he felt like he was always on eggshells with me - sometimes days at a time. He really didn't have the ability to open up to me. He said that everytime he told me something I couldn't handle it. I can see his point. I'm 1/2 italian and volatility was something prevalent in my house growing up. We had to yell to get our points across - my H is the COMPLETE opposite and I value that about him so much. I want to communicate more like he does, so I'm learning. I never really threatened to leave, but I did say things like, well, I guess we should just divorce then - really it's the same thing, isn't it? That is so difficult to hear. And from my vantage point now, I can't believe I would ever utter such awful words. To this day my H will say some days he think we will make it, and some days he doesn't think we will make it. Those days he doesn't think we'll make it are when I'm particularly volatile.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate your view point. I think you can provide insight that my H isn't ready to share.


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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4 more sleeps Edie!!!!

As we get closer I am becoming very apprehensive...I really have doubt as it if my h will open up, he has never been one for doing that in the past!
Although saying they have to feel safe made alot of sense, In the past I could be pretty angry and make comments...I haven't been like that for the past year though, so I hope that he is seeing that!


Me - 44
H - 44
M - 19yrs
together - 23yrs
D16
S8
EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07
H still @ home
Recovered!

"Do or do not, there is no try" Yoda
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Where did you go edie? I hope all is well!


Me - 44
H - 44
M - 19yrs
together - 23yrs
D16
S8
EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07
H still @ home
Recovered!

"Do or do not, there is no try" Yoda
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
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Hey Limbo! thanks for stopping by! The new school year started and I am getting my a$$ kicked with all of the work! I can't believe how much work I have to do...no time to wallow or even think about anything BUT teaching...that's good and bad! Thank you for checking in on me!

We received our Retrouvaille confirmation today - brought tears to my eyes. I feel like its the oasis in the desert - I'm hoping it is REAL. H is looking forward to it as well. We spoke briefly about it over dinner tonight - he seems as receptive as I am, so that's nice.

A couple more days and then we will be on our way - can't believe it!


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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EM and Limbo,

It's really so good to see both of you and your husbands looking forward to Retrouvaille. I know that you will have good experiences because you are going there with great attitudes. We've been asked to be greeters at our local retrouvaille this Friday. So I will be thinking of both of you when I show the couples here to their rooms.

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Edie, Sara

2 more sleeps! I can say I am very nervous, but hopeful. As I am sure all who go are!
I will make sure to post Monday morning with details, all good I hope!!


Me - 44
H - 44
M - 19yrs
together - 23yrs
D16
S8
EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07
H still @ home
Recovered!

"Do or do not, there is no try" Yoda
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
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Stopping by to say I hope you both enter Retro hoping to get closer, and leave the weekend just like that. Have a great weekend. \:\)

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