Thanks Sara, Saffie and Limbo for stopping by. Sara, your words were so encouraging - it really was my mantra to get there. Limbo, I hope you are enjoying your follow up sessions!
Journaling: So, we are applying the communication techniques that we learned at Retrouvaille. It is really encouraging. That's not to say that we don't still have issues in that arena - today we had a real battle royale! It concluded with both of us collapsed on the kitchen floor in a heap bawling our eyes out. Not pretty. H and I are so good at hurting one another. We have that down pat. I could give lessons. We are learning, however, to begin pleasing one another and we are beginning to stop the hurt. I could see the change today in both of us after the battle. We were finally able to sit and speak calmly about our feelings and thoughts. It was wonderful. My hope is that we will be able to get to that point without the battle royale first.
One of the best things about Retro for H is that H said it has allowed him to feel free and liberated. Prior to Retro he really felt locked up and imprisoned. He mentioned during our argument that he feels all locked up again and didn't think that he would feel liberated again - after our "aftermath" conversation he said - "It's back. I feel free again." It was wonderful to see that the techniques work. When learning something new you never know if it's really going to make a difference until you hit a rough patch - today was our rough patch.
H is still struggling with the idea of commitment. I can't really figure it out and I'm confused by the situation. I mean here he is attending Retro (a weekend and the follow up sessions), living at home, planning for our future, but still speaks about not being 100% commited to me. Today I told him that either he really doesn't understood what commitment is or he is wasting his time at Retrouvaille. I don't understand why someone that is not commited to his marriage would put this effort in. Unless he wants to use the whole experience as way to determine if this is what he really wants. I can't figure it out and he isn't able to really express that to me yet. I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.
Ok - that's all. It feels good to have some time to hang out and catch up on everyone's threads! em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I think H was 'gone' for so long (in his own crisis) he might be afraid to 100% commit to anything. His actions are wonderful!!! I think if you are patient, he'll feel differently in time.
You hit on something I was very afraid would happen to us, but didn't. The argument before they teach you the argument technique. Yikes! It sounds like it was awful. I am glad that you were able to work through it afterwards with dialogue. But really, you don't yet have the tools to do arguments. It will be 3 or 4 sessions before you get to that. It's in the workbook though. So once you get the workbooks, you can at least look it up. I'm glad things are still moving forward. Yes, it's baby steps getting out of the hole you were in and onto solid ground. But you are doing great!
Sara - thanks for letting me know that those techniques are coming. You know, we have just been so tired all week, sick, emotionally drained, etc etc - it just got ugly so quickly. We were able to recover and that is the important thing, for now. Looking forward to learning more...
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
There will always be fights, we know this. But now it seems you guys are 'equipped' to handle them before they cause permanent damage. That's wonderful.
I don't know why they hold that back so long. I do remember being told to avoid arguments until we get to the technique. I wonder if they are just trying to make you go cold turkey for as long as possible. For us it worked. Once they taught us the argument technique we had pretty much stopped fighting. We haven't had an argument since the one we did as practice in the Post session. But that one was very effective.
I think H was 'gone' for so long (in his own crisis) he might be afraid to 100% commit to anything.
Hmm...been thinking about this... I think this is true. He has said this almost exactly as you have. When we argue I will sometimes clam up and not say anything - I have found that this prevents an escalation in the argument - BUT the side effect of that is that H feels rejected/shut out/put off. He views this as me completely rejecting him. He in his mind/heart assumed that I didn't want him at all - which led to him starting a relationship with another woman - led to us in this ugliness. So, yes. I think you are right. It is also why I am so thankful for Retrouvaille. It has given me tools to express myself more appropriately to him. I still have tons of work to do!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I don't know why they hold that back so long. I do remember being told to avoid arguments until we get to the technique. I wonder if they are just trying to make you go cold turkey for as long as possible. For us it worked. Once they taught us the argument technique we had pretty much stopped fighting. We haven't had an argument since the one we did as practice in the Post session. But that one was very effective.
That is something that H and I have found. We both feel like they could speed it up a bit. We are though in a different situation than most at Retrouvaille. We only have 6 years of R baggage to get through - as you know most of the other couples have decades of stuff - we keep saying how thankful we are that we didn't wait and that we are learning this stuff now. Several other couples admitted to arguing over this past week. I wonder if there is a way that they could incorporate that into the first follow up...all well. I am going to avoid all other arguments until then. Thanks for your insight! I appreciate it!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Yes, I know I felt that everything they taught was in slow motion. But now I feel I could use a refresher course. I would sit through it all again, just as slow as they do it. It's as if I couldn't absorb it and move through the process any more quickly, so the material had to be slowed down.
It amazes me how the host couples go to these sessions over and over again and still gain information from it. They all talk about how they are still learning from it. Perhaps marriage encounter would work for you?? Isn't that like Retrouvaille but for happy, healthy couples. I don't know a thing about it.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
