I have heard Marriage Encounter is very helpful as well, its just not for couples in serious crisis mode. Sara, google it, it might be really good for you guys. My neighbors really enjoyed it and they were married almost 17 years when they went.
I have been eating, sleeping, dreaming, thinking Retrouvaille since we've been on our weekend. One of the many great things about the "program" is that it makes you focus on who you are (which is why so many DBers would get a lot out of it - it kind of forces you to the next level of introspection) Anyway, one of the troubling things I have discovered about myself (and have known it for some time but just haven't wanted to face it) is that I have incredibly low self-esteem in my marriage. In my life outside of my marriage, I don't have a poor self image, but in this marriage, I struggle. As you can imagine it has wreaked havoc on our lives. All of this was pre-A and has definitely contributed to my H's A as my insecurity manifested itself in forms of rejection. (Bear with me as I think while I type - I don't know where I'm going with this). I guess my question is: how does one become secure in a marriage? Perhaps I will address this in IC - may be more appropriate there. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. I'm not talking security in terms of commitment, I'm talking security in terms of being happy with who you are while married to someone else. Does that make sense? Isn't that *really* what galing is all about?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I am glad to see that you made it through the first week, and were able to work through you fight!. I am struggling too, with alot not sure if its really retro related or just me and the marriage. I to have had poor self esteem, which has truly been made worse since all this started. I don't really know how to answer your question, I feel for me though that to change this it will be something that I have to give a concious effort to, that I must talk to myself and say I am good and worth it. I hope you have a great week!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Hey Gang! Well, to describe the feeling further: I believe my H married down. I don't believe we are equals. In my mind he is more attractive than I am, kinder, nicer, more well liked, deserves better, etc, etc. Naturally, this leaves me feeling inadequate and insecure. He and I spoke about this at length the other night and he has said that he views us as equals. He doesn't see one of us being "better" than the other - (except for the fact that he had an affair, so by that standard he believes he's worse), but he has made all of my good qualities known to me. Now, one would think that these thoughts came on post-affair, but unfortunately I have always had them in this marriage - always. His affair certainly re-inforced those thoughts, but they aren't new. So, the problem that we are currently running into is that it is impossible to please me. He could stand on his head from now til eternity and won't be able to make me happy. And the unfortunate part is that no-one would be able to. The result is two people who care very deeply for one another, trying to please each other and not being able to. I feel as though we speak a different language - and I guess we do to some degree.
My H is the "friendly helpful person" whose driving force is the welfare of others, while I am the "strong acheieving person" in which power and control are my driving forces. Here he is trying to please, and here I am trying to control and it's making us a miserable match. I just feel inept at convincing my H that it is not his responbility to make me happy and that I am happy being with him. I just don't know how to get my point across in a way that he hears, understands and feels secure...
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Hmmm. Can't say I share the same situation. We are more the opposite. I'm the people pleaser, and my husband is the control person. Except he is lazy about it so he tries to control everything by doing nothing which frustrates me, so I have to rush in and pick up the pieces so no one gets hurt. I think maybe every couple is a mismatch is some way. I mean after all, we are complex personalities. How could we possibly just match up on all characteristics and fit together perfectly like yin and yang?
I understand what you are saying, I have always had a low self esteem, this is more to do with my parents, however since H A i have really struggled, felt that I wasn't pretty enough,slim enough, you know all the good things! But slowly I am realizing that it has nothing to do with that, and yes we had a bad marriage, but it ulitmately had nothing to do with me why he went with ow. His choice... These are very slow gains for me, but still gains, and you have to see all the positive strong points that you have! You have fought hard for your marriage, and seem to be winning, which makes you stronger and better then alot of people out there who would have just thrown it away without a second thought! Why not try doing a dialouge on this issue with your husband so that it will help him really get an idea as to how you feel about it?!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
2nd Post session is on who am I. If you can wait til the weekend, perhaps what they say will give you some insight and some good dialogue questions. Or just look ahead in the book, and see if any questions jump out at you.
