Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

Hi Sara -
Our post sessions follow a different format than the sessions in Florida. We aren't given a workbook - they haven't introduced that to the whole country yet - we've been given tons of handouts though on a weekly basis. I can see why they designed the workbook. There was a couple there last night that did their weekend elsewhere and were given the workbooks but are now attending our post sessions. The books are much better than 100's of handouts.

Last week's session was about Who I am. Last night was about trust. I have come to realize that my issue with my H and my insecurity is a trust issue - so, I'll take it day by day and learn to trust that he doesn't have ill-will towards me. That's going to take some work.

Thanks for checking in!
Em

[ediemarie]

Hi Limbo - we had a post session last night. It was good - hope things are going well with you!
Em

[ediemarie]

Oh the boxes in the bedroom -

In August of this year when my H decided to "fly the coop" I decided to pack his crap - actually just his clothes (they are his PRIZED posessions). This helped me tremendously at the time. It just felt cathartic to pack his stuff.

Well, those boxes have been sitting at the foot of our bed since then and to say they have frustrated me is an understatement. I even have posted about the boxes....Last weekend we had an argument in which the boxes came up. I asked why he hasn't unpacked them and he said because he's afraid I'm going to kick him out. I think he should unpack them because they got packed because he left, he thinks I should unpack them because I'm the one that packed them in the first place - through these conversations the boxes have become some metaphor. He wants to know I want him here, I want to know he wants to stay and we're communicating through boxes - I know it's strange and some of you are shouting, would one of you just unpack the damn boxes.

Done. I came home from work on Thursday and unpacked 2 of the 6 boxes and said nothing to H about them. He got up on Friday morning and unpacked 2 more - and said nothing to me. Today, he unpacked all the rest. The boxes are gone and we have yet to mention them at all to each other. So strange, I know. But I think it's a victory.

Putting the bad stuff in the past is so difficult. Humbling yourself and being vulnerable is equally as difficult. But I think things are beginning to shift in our marriage and that feels good.

[Sara]

Good for you on breaking the ice on the boxes. What an awful symbol of your problem, and what a bad place for it to sit! We had something similar. When I told my 23 year old son about his father's affair, he punched the door to his room. It broke the door, pulled the hinges 1/2 way out of the casing, and the handle put a baseball size hole in the wall behind the door. It stayed like that for about 4 months, always reminding me of my husband's affair. Finally, I hired a carpenter to replace the door and fix the wall, and also had painters put a fresh coat of paint on all the doors in the house. Now the affair is truly gone.

Sorry you didn't get workbooks. I bet they charge the locals to buy them. Perhaps they are trying to keep the cost down. I did think it was very generous when they gave us each our own book, not just one per couple.

[LL44]

Hi em!

Yay for the boxes. You guys quietly worked together. You were hurt and packed the boxes, H was hurt and didn't want to unpack the boxes. Look at what you guys did together. I agree, that's awful to have them sitting there, a daily reminder of what's gone down. No more. I wouldn't say a word about them. Its done, its over, moving on.

"Humbling yourself and being vulnerable is equally as difficult."

I totally agree.

Have a great Sunday!

[summerd]

EM -
What hope you give me!
I just read this thread. Your situation is almost a mirror of mine only husband is out of house and we have three kids. Works with OW every day - she's his second in command.
He's been coming around more and talking more. We had a great dinner together more than a month ago but no more relationship talk since then. He may consider counceling, not sure.
So, how did you convince him to go to the weekend??? My husband has also said he does not feel safe sharing with me. I've been trying SO hard to change my approach. Completely backed off and become caring, kind friend.

[ediemarie]

Hi Summerd -
WEll, the whole Retrouvaille thing was a bit of struggle. My H never moves quite quickly enough for me so getting him there was a hassle up until the very last minute.

When my H told me that his R with OW was over, I told him that I felt that we had to go to counseling. He said he didn't really want to go to marriage counseling as he didn't believe it would help us. He was ok with going himself and me going myself but didn't think going together would be beneficial - I still wonder if he was trying to avoid/hide something which is why he was hesistant. But anyway, I began reading some threads here and Sara had mentioned Retrouvaille on a couple of them. I went to the website, did a little research, asked Sara a few questions and found a good time to ask H about it.

I approached the counseling subject with him again. This time I said, "I understand that you are hesitant to go to marriage counseling. I feel that I need help in communicating better with you. I was doing some internet research and came across a program called Retrouvaille. This program is designed to help couples communicate with one another. It isn't counseling and there aren't any sharing sessions. The premise of the program is that you and I will spend time communicating with each other. I think this program will help me communicate better with you. Would you please help me with that?" He thought about it a bit and asked me some more questions. I answered them the best I could and he agreed to go with me.

I made the initial phone call to go. They informed me that my H had to call, at a seperate time, and also request to go. It took him about 2 weeks to make that call - so that was tough. He had agreed to go, but didn't take the appropriate steps at first - drove me nuts.

But, it has helped us. We are still pulling ourselves out of the mess of our marriage, but this weekend I learned that my H values our marriage as much as I do - that was news to me. Good news. I feel we are getting closer to being on the same page.

The interesting thing that I discovered about our communication issues was that no matter how much I changed my approach, H was not going to share with me until he was ready. Retrouvaille just gave us an avenue to express what we need to. I wouldn't say we are now problem-free in that area, but we have made leaps and bounds. And, that change happened on Saturday of our weekend. All it took was a few really positive interactions about some "heavy" stuff and now we are trusting one another a bit more.

Thanks for reading and posting to me!

[ediemarie]

(((LWB))) I was catching up on your thread earlier. I hope you are doing better today! So sorry for all the crap you're going through. Man - can I relate to tearing down the place in anger!! Don't sweat it - just set your boundaries and stick to them. You are doing so well in the midst of all of this. I know it's not easy. You're strength is coming through in your thread though.

Thanks for stopping by!

[summerd]

em -
Thanks for sharing that with me:) Your sitch and progress really is an inspiration because it sounds like we married the same people. I know that he's more inclined to stagnate if he isn't nudged in some way, but I can relate to it all needing to happen on his clock. Frustrating! I'm learning to nudge without it being too obvious.
Since H still may be attached to OW and perhaps trying to determine how to end it, I think that suggestion of retro. may be premature. He's been very comfortable with counseling in the past so I think I'll work a little on that.
Any additional info on dealing with the depressed, self depracating stuff that he seems to mire himself in.. let me know.

[limbo]

Edie

Thanks for stopping by! I am so glad that you guys seemed to have made some great steps this week!! It must be such a relief that the boxes have been unpacked and moved!!
We are still moving forward in a positive way, and so I am really happy about that! Heres to another good week!!!