My life don't fit the book, please help.

[lester]

thanks saffie,

I've read a lot of your posts and you surely have been through the fire. It's funny she says OM is just like me. Damn hard to compete with myself... lol. But seriously, I know I have a ways to go before I am Frank. He's gave me stuff to read and it's helping to change my perspective. I guess I always knew what to do and I'll try not to kick myself when it doesn't come out the way I want. I really meant to say it like frank but came out differently than what was in my head.

She really has seemed to warm up from last night so I guess maybe it's not a total wash. But now is no time to get lax I need to grab life by the balls and go forward. Watch out world

[saffie]

That's the attitude!!!! But remember - your wife might not like Frank and he might not like your W!!!! One has to adapt the info one gets to suit one's sitch. You are no dummy so I don't know why I am stating the obvious. Between Jeff, Frank and yourself you will hopefully get the correct tone for your W to come to heel LOL

'goinginsanehere' could do with some TLC if you feel up to it - his thread is called 'Also posted in Newcomers'. I can't link - duh. I think Frank and Jeff maybe just a little too much for him at the moment but you and mc might be just what he needs. I am very worried about him.

Saffie

[frank_D]

No you are not wrong. Courage means doing things when you are not confident. If you do courage, you will not need to pretend. Invest 10 units of courage and you get 10 units of confidence. That is a truth.

Invest 10 units in a "poor me" attitude and you get 10 units of loss which means more anxiety, then more "poor me", then more loss. A never ending cycle.

This cycle is called suffering. And you do it to yourself - she has no part in it.

But courage = confidence. The more courage, the more confidence. The more confidence, the less fear you will have and the less courage you will need in the future.

You have Courage lester. It is within you.

Hey Jeff, I like how you said this. Can you say something to Markyb on his thread?

Marky B's thread

[Sara]

Lester,

You upset me so much with that I let work get in the way of going to Retrouvaille comment that I went and hit MC on the head with a 2x4 over it. What?!!! You have to make you marriage a priority. That's why you are in this mess.

You need to book a weekend in October somewhere. Fly to that city if necessary. You can wait and do the Post sessions in your local area later. But get the weekend under your belt. They will teach you and your wife wonderful communication skills. You get that going and everything else falls into place.

It's like a Nike commercial -- just do it.

[frank_D]

Sara,

I think Retrovaille would have some influence in the outcome here.

What I'm not quite sure is that it will matter right NOW.

[Jeff223]

No I am not back to lambast you today. Ley us talk some specifics you raised.

R-talks do no good, no good at all. They only lead to disagreement, offense - defense, who is right and who is wrong. Lose - lose behavior. Stop them.

You both should be listening right now anyway. By listening I mean with all senses, not just hearing.

The LRT? I don't believe that is what you need. LRT means withdrawing youself from her. But that is what she hits you with. You not helping, too much time on the computer (that is avoidance regardless of what you are doing on the computer. Avoidance is weak behavior, requiring no assertiveness or courage. My avoidance was booze). A 180 for you here is to give more of yourself to her and the family. By action, not words.

I think on one of your posts that you referenced Dobson's Tough Love book. Keep that book, you may need it, but not NOW. Tough love shifts the "blame" to her and removes you from the equation. Tough love also means ultimatums and you are not there yet.

This is not about her affair. It is about your entire M. A marriage takes two. Now is the time to focus on your part in all this and what you must do to address your issues. Look within. How can you fix YOU? How can you better your *inner game*?

That is why I agree with frank_D that Retrovaille may be good but not NOW. You need to work on you first.

(BTW, frank and I get into heated disagreement at times. But I also try to listen to him - I learn TONS of stuff even if I do not agree.)

DB techniques are just that - techniques. I am studying other techniques - like how to date again. But technique is useless unless you have your inner game together. Who I am behind the *pickup* line is what is going to get me into a successful R. What you stand for as a man behind the DB is what will save your M or not. That is very important - I wish Michelle made that point clear in her book.

This is worth repeating b/c the title of this thread says it - "my life don't fit the book". Don't focus on techniques or the quick fix. YOU write the book. Techniques help with your outer game but inner change comes from within. Work on your inner game first. Rewrite that book to suit the man you want to be.

Strength and Honor.

[lester]

Last Night

Okay this is crazy but last night was like none I’ve had in a while. Might not have again for the next week until the moon shifts phase. Anyways, my planned activity was to go play pool and blow off some steam. I think what happened instead was better.

I had ordered a couple of pizzas and wife and I and kids ate together and watched TV. After dinner, wife went outside to talk to her mom on the phone and I got the kids dressed (messy eaters) and took them outside as well. We had a great time together so I figured it was better than pool. I guess nothing can bring a smile to a father’s face like watching their kids play. Anyways, wife had to deposit a check and pick up some soda and came back shortly. While she was gone D5 rode her bike around the block and S2 and I were “chasing” her. He was getting a kick out of it and kept saying “run daddy”.

After that wife and I watched TV (she didn’t disappear to the room) I did the dishes, made up the room for her mom, etc. MIL coming this weekend (ohh joy) the supreme jellyfish of morality (reminds me of frank’s W’s friend). Although MIL likes me she’s rather ambivalent and tends to nag Melissa to end it – I don’t know, sounds good like she’s on my side but she’s very wishy washy.

Now, maybe some back story will help understand why I’m doing all the housework. I was in Iraq for a couple of months and when I came back couldn’t find any local work. A whole crapload of interviews but no bites, however, I was able to find a job in Chicago in like 2 minutes so we discussed it and agreed to do it. The plan was I would get the job and we would look for houses. Well if you know anything about big cities you know that if you want to live anywhere near work you will be left with $2 from your monthly pay check and long story short she didn’t want me to drive 2 hours to work everyday and end up spending 12 hours a day away from home and she really didn’t like the congestion of it all. So all told I was away for 2 years. I flew or drove down every weekend and wife took leave occasionally to spend time up there with me. Okay, so now she says she’s burnt out and she is. But, she’s also dealing with depression and what seems to fit MLC. I think I may have mentioned but in case I haven’t I’ve tried to lead the horse to water (counselor, priest, meds, time off) and referred to it as her being “down” – she’s very anti mental health. She’s still a little depressed but seems to be coming out but OM ain’t helping if you know what I mean. I think the quote below describes exactly what’s going on.

No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

I think knowing that she won’t lift a finger because she’s depressed/MLC or in her words “burnt out” will help some to understand how I’ve become a single parent, crazed marriage warrior and somewhat insane I wanted to make sure to provide the back story before being inundated with how weak it is to keep house as a man.

The good things that happened last night:

- She kissed me 3 times. Sometimes she kisses me but it seems that perhaps some of the ice is melting
- I kept a PMA all evening, a first since this started. I actually smiled often. My voice was louder, unencumbered, jovial at times. Now I didn’t always feel confident but tried to act like I was. I could be reading into things but she seems to have responded.
- She criticized me for how I had organized the DVDs and I just said well we don’t have time to rearrange them right now (right before we had to go work) and we can rearrange them tonight. Michelle says in the book nagging is good… so I put it here
- She wanted me to help her decide whether she should continue her Master’s program. I told her that I think it would be best but that I don’t want her to start into it if she’s too burnt out to see it through. She said she would send me the registration e-mail (what she said they wanted her to do didn’t make sense).
- She was much more talkative and positive. Now none of this may be a result of the change of my mindset. However, the more I can detach (I think act instead of react) and not let anything she says rattle me. And she does try to test me. I like men’s version of testing better (we see how much we can drink or beat each other up – so straight forward and you KNOW you are being tested) Ahh but you women out there make life so much more interesting.
- Just a more relaxed environment. I joked with her, was affectionate and expected nothing. Like I said earlier I did get kisses which was good but I didn’t look for it more AS IF and I am the superior man attitude.

[lester]

Sara,

Perhaps I should clarify. I am military and they tend to lock us up for being AWOL. I was going to go but the military changed the work schedule.

[lester]

Jeff,

I think I should clarify the spending time on the computer and not helping is old me. I’ve had to do everything, I just have no time for computer, TV or otherwise. Like I said in my last post.. for all intents and purposes I’m a single parent.

Yeah for the most part I’ve been following LRT because when this all started I had no clue what to do.. NONE. I picked up DB and it seemed to work at times and then just fell flat. I panicked, got a little depressed and then posted this thread. I think with the new advice I’m getting I’ll be more on track and that’s why I’m glad I got you two to show me the light.

[lester]

Dream Time:

Okay, y'all will probably think me strange for this post but oh well. I was sleeping and had a dream that frank was talking to me (kind of like in movies how God’s voice booms in and seems to be coming from everywhere) and he said, “Wake up! She’s on the phone with OM” So, I do and look over and she’s sleeping but her cellphone is hidden. I went downstairs cuz the lights were on and shut them off. I then saw her phone on the nightstand and plugged it in to recharge. I checked Verizon online and the last call made was 8pm which is when she called her friend and I knew about it. I guess what struck me was how much adrenaline I had pumping through my veins I was literally shaking. If there would have been OM or an intruder there I would have torn them to shreds. I’ve had that feeling before but not for awhile. I assign no meaning to this other than an overactive mind but thought I’d share nonetheless.