Out of the Abyss...

[cat03]

hang in there honey, give him time to cool off. How many times I've had arguments with H and I was dead sure this was it, he'd had it and he'd tell me we were done... then we talk again, and all is fine.

Praying for you, can you take a little time off? or at least call it a day and do or go somewhere different today.

[limbo]

Good that you are home, and taking sometime for yourself.
Just take things slow and remember to do whats best for you! You matter most in this, so do what feels right for you!

Take care!!!! I will be thinking about you!

[ediemarie]

H just called and left me a voicemail. (Of course I missed his call.) He apologized for last night and said that he wants to go to Retrouvaille tonight - I think we will speak with one of the couples as Sara suggested (thanks for that. I think it's a great idea). He didn't mention where he was last night, but said he misses me and loves me and was sorry that I found the note. He is even willing to travel with me this weekend to my parent's house 4 hours away (it's mom's 60th bday and H was up in the air about whether or not to go - my parents know most of what has gone on in our R and they aren't so happy with him). We'll have to see what happens. I am extremely leary of his explanation about last night.

[cat03]

and now my suspicions are true, he freaked out and left not realizing how much his leaving like that hurt you.

Whatever the explanation is, please, please hear him out. He seems like a confused individual. You will have a change to ask him were he was.
As much as they've have hurt us with their As, our Hs are also very hurt themselves. And, a note of advice, do not tell your parents anymore, I know it's hard not to run to them and cry on their shoulders. THey love you so much they will hate him more and it will ultimately be harder on you.

It is understandable that you dont' trust him, I also battled hard to begin to imagen that I had to trust my H.But all in all, you have to start somewhere.

My H agreed to let me see his cell records from now on, I was gun-ho about checking them every month. But, later on I realized I wasn't so eager to do so anymore, if he wanted to cheat on again me he could without using that phone, he could do things behind my back. And who'd be the looser then? me or him? who'd be the one throwing away what could be a great M?
If the worst were to happen in my M I will know that I did all I could--I shouldn't have to monitor him to know he's being truthful--I would walk away with peace in my heart.

[Sara]

EM,

I'm glad he wants to continue with Retrouvaille. That OW is pulling hard on him. This is beginning to smack of sexual harassment at work if you ask me.

[LL44]

edie, I just came to say hi and found this mess. I am so very sorry, how painful after you thought at least this type of bump was over. I am thinking about you and will check up. HUGS

[ediemarie]

Cat - thank you. He did freak out and also drank a bit too much on Thursday night. He said at first he wasn't planning on going to her (and he was with her), (this is where the confusion comes in) but because I walked out he figured that it was ok for him to go see her AND he said if he knew that I would be back home he never would have gone to her. Wow. Ok. So if I keep my vows, you'll keep yours???? There's holes in his logic,and I can see how confused he is just by his rationalizations. So, his explanation wasn't that great.

We did make it Retro but fought through the whole first dialogue so we just left. It didn't help that neither of us slept much - he claims he didn't sleep because he felt awful about being where he was, he would have preferred to be with me, had awful dreams about how I couldn't get in touch with him, etc. etc. Although he did admit to being intimate with her - nice. I guess he really did have a lousy night. what????

I haven't told my parents anything about our situation since August. I just don't speak to them about it anymore. They were fantastic in June '06 when H dropped bomb 1 and were able to help both of us. After bomb 07, not so much. They now think I'm just a doormat that he is trampling all over.

I was beginning to trust my H again. It was fantastic. I'm just being tested in this area over and over again. I'm a Christian, so I don't really see it as H testing me, I really see it as me trusting God - I know it's weird. I just feel like God and I have some work to do and that He is using this situation to nudge me - if you will. I firmly believe, like most, that things in our lives happen for a reason. I had no doubt that the Lord brought Peter and I together. I thought that was where the story ended. I, of course, being human, have wondered why God would allow this to happen - His reply has always been, trust me and regardless of H's actions, I still need to do the right thing. This is not to say that I cannot set boundaries or leave or that I have to put up with his actions, I just need to trust God that His hand is in this. Something that has been difficult to do. When I am in the trusting God frame of "mind" I can get to where Cat is - if he wants to throw this away, he's the looser, not me. (Anyway, I didn't mean to sermonize, just working through some thoughts.)

So, H said last night that he's going to quit his job on Monday as he cannot work in that place with her. Hmm...this would have been easier to do if it were August...at least he has seen first hand that he can't work with her. I doubt Monday will be quitting day. He has many fears about our R and is scared that if he quits his job then I will just find something else to be unhappy with him about. So then he would have no job, no girlfriend, AND an unhappy wife.

So it goes...

[ediemarie]

Sara, thank you for all your words throughout my whole crisis. I appreciate it!

I agree that she really has her claws in deep. The card I found recently had her professing her love, yet again, to him and reminding him that at one point in time he professed his love to her. Additionally, she assured him that even if they couldn't be together on this earth, they are surely joined together in eternity and they would be together there, although she hoped they could be together on earth. She gave him that card on Sept 14, the same day we went to our Retro weekend. Nice.

Obviously, I don't think that she truly cares for herself so much, or the well-being, welfare, of my H. For all the professions of love she has made for him, she certainly hasn't made his life easier. I think that when you truly care for someone you ARE supposed to do what is right for them. Not for yourself. I guess she missed that somewhere along the road. I pity her, really.

I told my H last night that it is not Ok with me for him to have a R with any other woman. He is well aware of the pain he has caused me. Even while he was doing it he knew how painful it is for me. I have never seen him this broken up over all it. He has never said, before last night, that he wished he wasn't with her. I think he truly regrets his actions Thursday night but is operating on fear. He was abandoned as a child by both parents and was raised by his grandparents. Walking out the other night was probably the worst thing I could have done to him. She is constant in his life. Constantly happy to see him, talk to him, be with him, etc. I haven't done such a great job at being constantly happy. I take too much of this out on him. I must find the balance of expressing displeasure, without attacking. Retro has given us (me) tools to do this, but it's very difficult, now, for me to express anything other than negativity. I think maybe I will choose something positive for us to dialogue about today. Maybe that will help.

I wasn't able to speak with any of the couples last night. There was one couple that H and I liked from the weekend - I'm going to reach out to them and see their take on the situation.

[ediemarie]

Hi LWB - thanks for the support. It is always nice to have someone stop by just to give a quick hello or hug. You're great at doing that. Thank you!

[saffie]

Edie,
I have been following your sitch and I am sorry that this is happening to you. Your husband seems like such a lost little boy, and unfair though it seems, you have to be the one to comfort him and 'bring him home'. Retro certainly seems to have polarised his feelings somewhat and even if he doesn't quit on Monday I get the feeling he will soon. He looks like he is heading for a breakdown - does he get sick pay? Can he be signed off sick for a while? This might give you more of an opportunity to bond with him without OW in the picture and for you to do more of the Retro excercises without her sabotaging him.

Saffie