Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

Hi Saffie - thanks for posting!
Hmmm...sick leave...I never even thought of that. That's a good idea. He is a teacher, like I am, so I'm not sure how all of that works at his school, but he may be able to work something out. I'll put the bug in his ear.

Retro has given us both the opportunity to see one another for who we are and we do like one another very much. You are right on with the whole little boy lost. He knows what he needs to do, what he should do, what not to do, but he just isn't able to do the right things. I think he really is out roaming the world looking for love (or his idea of love). He appears to be a teenager right now. Knows the right things, just not interested in being adult enough to do them.

I asked him last night if he was happy with how his life is going. If he was tired of all of this. He said he wasn't happy and he is tired of living this lifestyle. I just responded with, H, YOU have the power to make things different in your own life. You just have to do it.

If that makes him leave, that's fine. I'll move on, if it helps him stay and stay the right way, that would be great. As with all major hurtles in life, time will tell.

[saffie]

In my sitch the OW worked for my H. I strogly suggested to her that sick leave was a god option. Whilst she was on it she negotiated a package to leave the job. She managed to search for a new job whilst on sick leave. Her doctor just put the pressure of her current job down as being her reason for being on sick leave. I know it was different for me as my H was the chief Exec and so there was absolutely no question as to who had to leave, but it really did relieve the atmosphere, and altho' I know where she works now there has been no contact between H anh OW.

Saffie

[ediemarie]

I think he would like to quit his job, he said he has tried to quit in the past and just couldn't get the words out. Quitting a job is tough. Even when I was glad to quit a job it was tough for me to do that. It is even worse when you love your job and don't want to leave it, but have to because of the pressures there. I'm going to suggest to H that he either see about taking a leave of absence due to health reasons, or write a resignation letter and hand that over to his boss. Perhaps if he writes the letter and just hands it to his boss and doesn't have to verbally say the words "I quit" or "I'm leaving" it will be easier. His boss can read the letter with H in the room and they can discuss it. His boss (thanks to me calling him when bomb 1 was dropped in June 06 and I freaked out) is well aware of the relationship between the two of them. All of their coworkers know...I don't understand how two people can continue an adulterous affair knowing that everyone else knows. Are affairs just THAT widely accepted in this day and age??

Anyway, I'm going to mention both options to h today (we have a four hour drive to make today - that will be interesting) and just let him think about them. I'm hoping that if he can see one of the two options as viable he take one...

[saffie]

I hope it goes well. My H's whole Co. knew about the A. No-one said a word against it to him but then he was the boss and I guess they were worried about their jobs. No-one even hinted to me it was going on when I had to attend ceratin compnay functions. There was great and obvious relief when it ended. Even so, I cannot see the staff at his Co. without feeling strong dislike for them. I wish my H would change his job but when you run the Co. that's not an option.

I'll be thinking of you and praying it works out.

Saffie

[Sara]

EM,

I can't believe that the Principal knew about the affair and did not find a way to get those people into separate classrooms. That is not a good situation for the children in the classroom. Even if the affair were going great, teaching is not the #1 focus for those two teachers. This is a very weird situation.

Anyway, I hope things will resolve. I know how deep abandonment issues can be. We have an adopted son, and he's been testing to see what it takes to drive people who love him away for years. It is sad how that affects children.

[Amy]

Hi Edie,

How are you. It has been a while since I have caught up on your post. I have moved from this board to we're separated now what.

I was reading up on lies and getting past them. I am so much in the situation right now. I don't know even if he decided to come back if I could get past the lies. I just found out yesterday about another woman he slept with last year.

Everytime I think I can get past the lies another pops up. I would love to know how you handle this. I miss your comments on my post but I am glad your situation seems to be improving.

HUGS

[LL44]

hi em,

Just checking on you. Seems like H is remorseful and a little (ok, a lot) lost. But he isn't giving up, and you aren't either. That says a lot. I will be curious to see about the job and what that brings. HUGS!

[cat03]

wow edi, your H is truly a wreck, he's shown poor judgement, and couldn't manage your leaving without doing something stupid. I see my H in him so much. I pray that he does take a leave of absence and quits his job. Keep in mind, in the midst of his screw ups, that he wants YOU to be the one, he's chosen you.

========================================
I take too much of this out on him. I must find the balance of expressing displeasure, without attacking... but it's very difficult, now, for me to express anything other than negativity. I think maybe I will choose something positive for us to dialogue about today.
====================
You and I my friend.

Keep leaning on the Lord to give you this kind of strenght, he's very lucky to have a person like you.

[ediemarie]

Saffie - thanks for sharing your stich with me.

No-one even hinted to me it was going on when I had to attend ceratin compnay functions.

I am always amazed when this happens. Always. Janet Jackson was on Oprah the other day and she said that she lost a friendship with a woman because she knew the woman's husband was cheating on her and refused to tell the woman. She felt it was none of her business and that the H should have told the woman and not Janet.

H's colleagues do know about his A and some of them even confronted him on it - and he still persists. He really just does not care what other's think.

There was great and obvious relief when it ended. Even so, I cannot see the staff at his Co. without feeling strong dislike for them.

I totally understand this. I have a difficult time with H's principal as he has known all along and hasn't helped, only contributed to the problem. I kind of understand that he doesn't want to get involved, but I don't understand why you would perpetuate a situation in which your employees are 1) not focused on their work and 2) one of your employees is having a difficult time at home. How is that employee supposed to keep his mind on work and be effective in the classroom??!

Sara -

I can't believe that the Principal knew about the affair and did not find a way to get those people into separate classrooms. That is not a good situation for the children in the classroom. Even if the affair were going great, teaching is not the #1 focus for those two teachers. This is a very weird situation.

Oh, how the situation gets even weirder. This same Principal's wife left him for another man when she became impregnated with OM's baby. He has experienced this situation first hand and has done nothing to help. Nothing. I don't get it. I've stopped trying to understand it.

Amy - so good to see you stopping by. I posted a really long reply to you on your thread.

Everytime I think I can get past the lies another pops up. I would love to know how you handle this.

I don't know that I do a very good job at this either. I guess I'm at the point where I don't believe H very much. I always assume he is keeping something from me. This changed a bit right after Retro, but considering the latest developments, I'm back to not believing anything he says. It's very difficult. I just accept that he struggles with being open and honest with me. I think it's a process. He needs to feel more comfortable sharing, and I need to be more open to listening. There isn't any quick fix - it's a process of developing healthy communication patterns.

LWB - oh he is lost, isn't he? I have some updates here. Stay tuned. Thanks for swinging by!

Cat - thank you. He is a wreck. No better way to say it. wreck. broken. ill? Thank you for reminding me that he has chosen me. He says that all the time to me. That he chooses me - it certainly doesn't feel that way, especially when he chooses to leave me to go with her. I don't know if I am doing something to cause that or if it's something in him...

thank you all for checking up on me, helping me, posting to me, encouraging me - you are all wonderful!

[ediemarie]

On the way to my parents H and I spoke at length about our R. It was good stuff. A postive conversation believe it or not. I was able to bring up him leaving his job. Conversation went like this:
M- can I just say something really quickly about your job sitch?
H - yeah, but I don't want to really talk about it.
M - Ok, I was just thinking about how you could quit.
H - I already know what I'm going to say. "Mr. Principal, you know the situation here with Ms. OW, there is far to much pressure for me to maintain my job, I'm not comfortable leaving in the middle of the school year, but I don't see anyway around this, do you know of any open positions in any other school district, could you please provide me with a recommendation."
M - Wow. I didn't realize you had thought this much about it. That's fantastic. I was thinking though that it might be difficult for you to just walk in and begin speaking. Maybe one thing you could do is jut hand him your resignation letter facilitating the discussion.
H - hmm...that might work.

That was it. Nothing else was said about his job. That was over 24 hours ago. I'm pretty sure he won't do it. It takes H a long time to follow through. I'm nervous that now he and I are on a more even keel he won't feel the need to resign.

BUT -
in speaking with H this weekend he said the following words to me:
- I had an affair because having a R with OW was easier than having one with you
- I didn't think it was necessary to quit my job in order to end my R with her. I now see I can't work with her. I must break off all contact.
- I would like us to renew our vows next summer and take a honeymoon trip
- I'm scared to pursue a R with you
- Retro is really improving our marriage
- I am choosing you
- in the past when he heard me asking him to quit his job, he didn't hear, I love you, I want to be with you, he heard me trying to win an argument and that his job was the argument. He now sees that it's the love I have for him and the pain the job is causing us as my reasons for desiring him to quit.

H was pretty hesitant Saturday to go to my parents. I assured him that I would not put any pressure on him while there and that I would be positive the whole weekend. I did exactly that. I kept everything light and positive and we had a fantastic weekend. My mom said to me this morning that last year it appeared that H was just going through the motions to improve our m, but this weekend it appears that he is really making an effort to be loving and it appears that he truly cares. She sited some examples from the weekend. It was nice to hear that. I haven't and am not going to tell her the most recent developments but the more she sees an effort from him, the more she will be able to accept him.

Ok - I think that's the whole update. I'm nervous for tomorrow (em's knees are knocking). I don't think he'll quit, so I'm concerned that he's going to see OW and all of this will cycle again. Mark my words folks, I may be writing this all over again 1 month from now...