Out of the Abyss...

[Sara]

I am serious, he should sue the school district for sexual harassment. They are supposed to take this kind of thing very seriously, and they are ignoring it. They are forcing him to quit his job rather than deal with sexual pressure at work. What is that?

EM, you are a goddess. You are doing everything beautifully.

[ediemarie]

I've been thinking about this all weekend. I think she is pressuring him and isn't doing so great at being "broken up" with him, but it's consentual. I don't know how H's acceptance of her advances can constitute sexual harrassment - except of course for what you wrote about there being sexual pressure. I think, maybe, the principal didn't see it as such an issue because my H didn't bring it to his attention - the crazy left behind spouse did. I'm hoping H will speak with Mr. Principal tomorrow and let him know how serious the situation is...again, HOPING, not believing it will happen. I think this may be the wake up call for Mr. Principal. He should have and could have done so much more and just didn't. I am truly disappointed by that.

I am really nervous for tomorrow. I expressed this to H tonight. He said I have nothing to be worried about...right.

Thanks for the encouragement, Sara. I certainly don't feel like a goddess and I'm certain I'm screwing this up all over the place, but I'll carry your words with me and pretend I'm the goddess you think I am.

[Sara]

I'm sure your H would not want to do it. Still, he is backed into a corner. He can't show up for work without her pressuring him for sex and love. And he is given no alternative but to quit. There should be some accomodation made to get him out of the situation without having to sacrifice his career.

[ediemarie]

Well - H has decided NOT to go to work today. I'm thankful he won't be going in, but worried that this is just the beginning of a long string of avoidant behavior. He did this last year, too. He used so many sick days last year that they docked his pay. He says he doesn't want to go through this again. I agree. I can't go through it either.

Here is my plan:
- Make it as comfortable, pleasant, as positive as possible at home.
- Let him know that I love him and am here for him.
- Stay positive about his job and not mention him quitting

"He can't show up for work without her pressuring him for sex and love. And he is given no alternative but to quit. There should be some accomodation made to get him out of the situation without having to sacrifice his career."

Sara - I agree, but what now? Do you think I should suggest that he frame his conversation with Mr. P around this? It is deeply troubling to me that she is still actively pursuing him, even after he told her he didn't want a R with her. Why can't she just back off? Do you really see this as her and not him? I think this is him, too. When she gives him a card or wants to speak with him, he really should just walk away or return the card unopened. He doesn't HAVE to respond to her advances - or am I wrong in thinking that he HAS the power to do so?

I am so tempted to call Mr. P myself. I won't, but I'm tempted.

[limbo]

Hi Edie!!

This rollercoaster sure does suck doesn't it!!! I am glad that you guys seem to be working things threw, it is defiantely a positive step!
I would love my H to say he would like to renew our vows, he talked about it earlier when he was still with ow, but nothing in a long time!
I do think this is the time for more patience then you ever thought you had, he is going to have to set the pace on this, and any pressure could cause him to run back.
I know you have a good handle on this! and I am sure that it will settle for you soon!!

Take care!!!

[Sara]

I think there are men who could fend her off with a forceful attitude. But I don't see your husband as being able to do it. Maybe he partially wants her, or maybe he just doesn't want to actively hurt another person, or maybe he is just a push-over. I don't know. But he is backed into a corner and he has nowhere to go.

Perhaps if he threatened her with a sexual harassment suit she would stop. But it should not be hard to change a teacher's classroom. Surely this is not the only class at this grade level in the school.

[cat03]

It is deeply troubling to me that she is still actively pursuing him, even after he told her he didn't want a R with her. Why can't she just back off? Do you really see this as her and not him? I think this is him, too. When she gives him a card or wants to speak with him, he really should just walk away or return the card unopened. He doesn't HAVE to respond to her advances - or am I wrong in thinking that he HAS the power to do so?

For us it is crystal clear, not for them, the feel so guilty and fear hurting the ow even more. My H told me he wouldnt' be able to handle it if ow would txt or call him, the first time he changed his cell # she found out, we changed it again last week. It is very hard for them to cut it off, it is a must but it still is very very hard to admit they've made a wrek out of other people's lives.
But I can see that he does want badly to stay with you, he's just very hurt, knowing he was the cause of your pain and ow's, seing himself as a failure and tha'ts tough for a man.

I had an affair because having a R with OW was easier than having one with you

My MC told me that we, the spouses, represent reality, the op represent fantasy and freedom of responsability.

I'm scared to pursue a R with you

He's not afraid of you as a person, he's afraid of failure, he is feelign down and doesnt' see how can this work out, but he does want it to.

[ediemarie]

Cat, thank you. Maybe I should suggest some strategies for H to use to avoid OW? I just don't know if there is anything I can do. I may just have to sit and wait this one out...Thank you for taking the time to write all that. You have helped tremendously!

Update
We're on day number 3 of H not going to work - talk about avoidance! I'm frustrated and disappointed and feel awful. I can't concentrate on my work. I'm on edge all the time. I feel horrible for what H is going through and am frustrated that he isn't taking the necessary steps to rectify the situation. He keeps saying he's going to quit, has to quit, can't work there. I keep worrying about him jeopardizing his whole career over an OW.

I keep thinking what Sara has said about him being backed into a corner and am unsure how to help here - any suggestions? I don't want him to feel that way. I, of course, partly feel responsible for building the corner, but on the other hand, he has been saying for about a year now, that he and I cannot have a solid R if he is still working with her.

Perhaps I should recognize that there isn't anything I can do about it? Should I just stop talking about it with him? Handle it like I did the Retro. phone call? I must find a way to come to terms with H's avoidance - this isn't the first time this behavior has appeared and I'm guessing it won't be the last...sheesh.

[ediemarie]

Hi Limbo - I hope you had a great thanksgiving! There are so many good things about my situation. I feel like this is the last little bit of ugliness that needs to be dealt with - and it isn't that little of a thing, unfortunately. I wish it was just as easy as changing a cell phone number. My H, unfortunately, takes such a long time to move in any one direction that I could be waiting on him for a whole other year. I just don't have it in me. I don't. I'm exhausted. (and whiney (can you tell)

But, I hear what you are saying in regard to him setting the pace. I'm doer though, not a thinker. H is a thinker. I'm looking for suggestions in how to LET him set the pace. suggestions?

[cat03]

step aside, let him clean up his own mess. He can't keep off from going to work forever, he will have to make a decision soon. The important thing is that he is distancing himself from the ow. If this goes on for the rest of the week you could have a talk with him on the weekend, im sure he doesnt' want to loose his job.

I feel horrible for what H is going through and am frustrated that he isn't taking the necessary steps to rectify the situation.

There are consecuences to our actions, he's living his. I had to see my H suffer and despair when he saw what the A did to him, us, his job. I learned that I didn't always had to make him feel good or console him at my expence, saying "that's ok" when it really wans't ok with me.