Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

Thanks for stopping by -
Sara, I could go on for hours about that woman and that school - I want to go on for hours about both.
I want to give them both a piece of my mind so badly. One of my girlfriends suggested I call her and tell her to
lay off. Been there done that though (after bomb 1) and I'm not going back down that path.

H went to work this morning. I tucked a note in his briefcase. I'm hoping he will find it and read it and love it.
The kissing game has continued. H is getting a kick out of me counting and celebrating the kisses I receive from
him. 5 kisses alone this morning before 8 AM, not bad, if I do say so myself. Hopefully these full on lip kisses
will lead to more...I'll keep you posted, without the details.

I vaugely mentioned him going to work today on our ride to my school (we still only have 1 car, so H brings me
to work and then goes to work himself) and he just said I don't want to talk about it. Well, that could mean
any number of things, so I just dropped it and didn't say another word about it.

Em's knees are knocking today!

[ediemarie]

I don't feel like a whole lot has been going on - but I guess when I look over the course of the week some good stuff and not so good stuff has occurred.

We have been going around and around about H quitting his job...will this ever end? I from here on out will not bring the subject up with him. I have decided though that I CANNOT continue in this marriage if he doesn't make plans to find another job or have a conversation with Mr. Principal about the work situation. H and I spoke briefly about it on Thursday night. The conversation went something like this:

H: I owe you an explanation about why I haven't quit my job, yet.
Me: Well, that is something that is important to me.
H: I haven't quit my job because it doesn't really matter.
M: what doesn't matter?
H: it doesn't matter where I work, the problem isn't OW, it's me.
M: I know that. I know that OW is a symptom of the problems in our R and that you could have an A no matter where you work.
H: And because of that I don't think it's necessary for me to quit this job.
M: I understand how much the kids at school mean to you, and I know that you love working there, but step 1 of clearing up our situation is putting it all in the past. I cannot put this A in the past if you are still seeing her on a daily basis. And neither can you.
H: She's not the issue.
M: I understand that she isn't the issue, but I cannot stay in this M if you continue to work at that school. I just cannot open myself up to another year and another potential rekindled R with her. You are an adult and can choose not to quit your job, but I ask that you make your decision quickly so that I may make the decisions necessary for me.

The conversation wasn't at all volatile and it wasn't long at all. He ended it by saying that we would talk again some more about this. He hasn't brought it up since and I'm not planning on bringing it up either.

In other news, H left work 45 minutes late on Friday night. He claimed he was doing paperwork. In all my years of knowing my H he has never stayed late at work to work on paperwork on Friday. Anyway...I can't make these decisions for him, but I am beginning to feel played. Isn't that funny? All these years and NOW I'm beginning to feel played? I guess it's because of going to Retrouvaille. I felt that we both really opened ourselves up. Being treated like this after an experience like that is truly a slap in the face.

On the good side: H has been very affectionate. Not affectionate to the point of ML or anything close, but at least we're kissing on the lips on a daily basis - that's progress. I find myself waffling between wanting to leave him and wanting to keep working at it and wanting to just throw myself under the blankets and sleep for days. So tired...

[Sara]

Is your husband saying that he has the strength to exercise self-control while working with OW?

[Jen_Jam]

Oh EdieMarie if you feel strongly about this I would try to find a way to bring it up with H, but in a way he doesn't feel attacked.

This is you pushing your real wants aside here .... if it's a deal breaker where he works then he should know, but you have to tread carefully how to bring it up. Or is there another solution?

[ediemarie]

"Is your husband saying that he has the strength to exercise self-control while working with OW?"
He hasn't come out and said those words. Contrarily he has said that he can't work there and continue to be married. He knows that it's either his job or his marriage. He has said that he doesn't think that he can work there with her. He says that it would be too difficult for him and that it would be too difficult for me. Additionally, H has always said that he just fell into this R with OW. It was never anything that he planned or chose to do. That being said, I don't have faith in him not choosing to "fall" into an R again.

I have thought of other "solutions". For one, I told my H that if he wanted to continue working there then he should bring me around to his school. I haven't met any of his co-workers, ever. I never thought that was an issue before, but now I see how important it really is. His coworkers will throw parties from time to time which H never goes to. I told him that maybe if we went to those together and I met everyone he worked with and hung out with on a daily basis I would feel better about him working there. I also told him that if he wore his wedding band that would help. Or if he went out to drinks with people after work, if he included me in that, that might help. A few weeks ago H asked me to pick him up from work - which I did. Only he asked me to park in the parking lot next door to the school so as to avoid any confrontation with anyone - basically he was hiding me - nice. There is a mall close to our home that we used to go to all the time, but don't anymore because OW sometimes goes there. I have explained to H that OW needs to see us together and know that we are trying to work out our R. H doesn't want to deal with any uncomfortable "scenarios" and to me, it just all smacks of him continuing an R with OW. I don't know for sure, it's just how it feels.

I honestly don't know how to bring this up with him without attacking him as my emotions run deep on this topic. He knows how I feel about it, he knows he is hurting me by continuing to work there, he knows that I feel we can't move on without him quitting or taking some sort of action, he knows that I don't plan on staying in this M if he doesn't do something to change what is happening now. So, I don't want to harp on it, I don't want to nag him, I don't want to beg him. Instead, I stay silent about the topic. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do either...ugh...

[Sara]

EdieMarie,

I wish I had a soution for your problem. The ideas you have all sound good. I am mystified by your H's behavior. I know it is flat out avoidance. But I can't understand what he thinks he's gaining. Do you feel comfortable discussing the issue with your Post session leaders? Maybe they could help you two form a plan for how to deal with the problem.

[ediemarie]

The ideas you have all sound good. I am mystified by your H's behavior. I know it is flat out avoidance. But I can't understand what he thinks he's gaining. Do you feel comfortable discussing the issue with your Post session leaders? Maybe they could help you two form a plan for how to deal with the problem.

hmmm...I've been mulling this over. I don't know. H brought it all up again last night. I'm pretty much at the point of avoiding the topic. I have nothing left to say about it, really. He said something about giving his 40 days notice by the end of this week, which means by January he may have the opportunity to teach elsewhere or to sub. He also mentioned hating the idea of subbing or not having the second income - this worries him - and I get that - and to that I responded, I'd rather live on the curb then have you work where you work now. "that bad, huh?" was his response. I know this is the same story I've been telling for weeks. There must be a way for me to affect change here - a 180 perhaps. Mulling it over for days on end is only making me cranky. I may start to pour on the love at home, extra thick, and see what happens. Perhaps act as if he already quit his job??? Maybe I should define what I think our R would look like if I knew he was no longer working there - or more definitively what MY actions would be - and then beginning to act that way- that might help all the way around. It's worth a shot -
hmmm....something new and positive to mull over!

[Jen_Jam]

Good idea - try it and monitor the results (make it sound like a sciecne project, doesn't it!?)

Another idea I read elsewhere for when you feel you are being ignored is called the "broken record" technique. In that, you simply repeat what it is you want until the other person realises you DO BLOOMIN WELL MEAN IT!!!!
It doesn't mean shouting, or being at all nasty ... to give an illustrative example ..

A is on a diet but her friend B wants to go for a pizza, and is a bit pushy.
B - let's go for pizza
A - sorry B I'm on this diet and i'd really like to try something else tonight
B - But it's Friday, we always have pizza
A - I know, but this time I'd really like to try something else
B - Oh come on, you know you want to
A - I do enjoy pizza but tonight I'd like to try something different
B - get your coat, we're off for pizza
A - Sorry, B, this time I'd really like to try something different

You get the idea, all A has stated it the same thing "I want something different" over and over. Not arguing, just stating what SHE wants calmly

(Now all that talk of pizza has made me hungry!!! )

[Jen_Jam]

Actually, I've just realised that's useless advice - it's not that he doesnt' know what you want, he's choosing to ignore it

I had similar too ... my H was a big conflict avoider so used to agree to things then not do them. it hurt. Especially when he promised "yes I WILL come round on Thursday, and I won't change my mind" then I'd get a text to say he wasn't coming ... the only way I got through all of that was with patience and going off and GAL ... even when it hurt so much.

[ediemarie]

Hi Jen Jam - thanks for swinging by and weighing in...so difficult to know which way to go. I've been debating the broken record idea because at least it would feel like *I* was doing something other than letting him eat cake. I guess that's my struggle - I feel like he is eating cake. Don't know if I should just get over that or really press the issue. I don't think he will think quitting his job is a big deal to me until I physically walk out the door and I don't want to do that. If I just ignore it (which I have been doing) he thinks (or lets himself believe) that there isn't an issue anymore.

I can totally relate to an H that says he's going to do something and then not. You're right, GAL is the only way to go.

Hmmm...still working this out in my head.