Out of the Abyss...

[limbo]

Edie...in all of this don't forget you! I think that is important...we get so caught up in their drama that we foget about everything else.
I am the worst one for doing this, and I think now I am paying for it!

[LL44]

H's a thinker too. I am a doer, and a wanna be fixer. Hard for me to sit and watch H so miserable and lost and the last thing he wants is MY help.

EM, I have been thinking of you and hope things are better in your home.

[ediemarie]

Cat, Limbo and LWB - thank you! I appreciate your thoughts and words of wisdom!

Update
H went back to work on Thursday. When he came home he didn't say two words about his day, and I can see us slipping back into old patterns. H drinking more, not coming to bed at normal time, not completing the Retro dialogues, eating out rather than at home, I think this is all his deal and what is going on with him and OW. When I began the process of going to Retro in August, I said that I would use it as a time to really decide if I would stay or go. I thought that if H really put time and effort into applying the pricinples that we learn then it would ultimately help us. We haven't dialogued all week, we haven't really spoken about our R all week and I feel as though we are slipping further away from each other, rather than closer. However, earlier in the week H said that he has never felt closer to me and has never wanted this to work out more. I just still feel so distant from him. I'm trying not to concentrate on OW and the work situation, but I have this sinking feeling that he's going to, or is, being roped back into her life and he isn't able to free himself. I'm trying to provide all the distance he needs, I don't know if I'm doing a great job at it, but I'm trying. I can't live like this indefinitely and H can.

[Sara]

That is such a shame, EM. His pattern is avoidance, and he does it well. You need to make him dialogue. It's hard, I know. But without communication and with all this avoidance, it is slipping fast.

I have such hatred for that Principal. All he has to do is his job, and separate 2 people who should not be together. Instead he allows this very unhealthy situation to fester.

[limbo]

Edie,

I am so sorry this is happening for you, it does seem that your H is really having a battle with himself, I do think its important to try and dialogue, are you like me and wait for H to say he wants to do them? Trying to see if he is going to meet my expectation?
It does work, we have to make the request.

Keep with the retro, I know the upcoming weeks seem to be the getting into more of the meat and potatoe's of things and it may help things in the long run!
Keep strong! and look after yourself!

[ediemarie]

A further update: H told me this morning that he did not go to work yesterday, afterall. I had my suspcions that he didn't go and he confirmed it today. He also did not go today. I'm trying to just be nonchalant about the whole thing as I don't want to put further pressure on him. He said that he drank a little too much on Monday night and ended up text messaging OW in the middle of the night. They exchanged a few TM's and because of that he hasn't wanted to go to work at all. I'm thankful that he finally told the truth and annoyed that he is resorting to lying to me, yet again.

Sara - I couldn't agree with you more. That principal is well aware of the situation and is doing nothing to help. He's actually making it worse. I don't want my H to loose his job, but I can't be the one that saves it for him. He has to do it. (I'm writing this so that I can reminded myself of that). That part is difficult for me. I never feel good about myself when I'm avoiding something, I can't imagine that H feels great about himself right now.

Limbo - I usually ask H to dialogue. I will say something like, Hey, do you wanna dialogue tonight? and his response has been "we'll see. Maybe." And that's it. I've only asked about 4 times in the last week. I don't want to pressure him or force him...maybe I should? We dialgued almost every night up until last Wednesday. And then on Thursday it all fell apart.

He said that he wants to go to Retro tonight, so we're going. It didn't go well last week, but hopefully it will be different today. He says it's beneficial and helping him. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I think he wants so badly to do the right thing and is just struggling with how to get there, how to do it, how to make the choices. There moments when he says, I know what to do, I guess I just have to do it.

Ladies thanks for the encouragement. You guys rock!

[Sara]

I was forceful with my husband. He was like a kid who had homework and just wouldn't get to it. I just said " I feel better after we dialogue. And if we don't dialogue I feel bad. We need to dialogue at least 3 or 4 times a week." And then I stuck to the number. I don't remember which it was. It may only have been 3 because then there was a dialogue at the post session. Every other day is not too much. And there was always homework too. So we couldn't take too many breaks.

[ediemarie]

Thanks Sara. I think that's a good idea. I told H that I would like to dialogue at least 3 times a week and his response was, I don't know why we can't do it every day. It's not that hard and we both enjoy it. I said, I agree, but we aren't doing it every day and I really need to diaglogue. He said he just gets lazy and then tired and it doesn't happen. He said he would make more of an effort. I'm just going to establish the time that we dialgue be right after dinner. That way we eat dinner, dialogue and then have the rest of the evening just to hang out. I think if we build it in to the dinner routine, it will become exactly that - routine. Which is a good thing!


Update
Not a whole lot to report. H and I went to Retro on Friday night. It wasn't easy getting him there. He didn't sleep a whole lot on Thursday night and then after Friday morning's revelations he had trouble sleeping during the day. This led to him complaining incessantly about having to go to Retro on Friday night. My H doesn't usually complain about things, but when he does he expects to get his way. I have to give him credit though, because when I explained why it was so important to me for us to go, he did and did it willingly. I'm discovering that I have a difficult time asking for things. And when I ask and he gives in, I end up feeling guilty, rather than pleased. I made sure to let him know how pleased I was that he made the ffort. I also think this has been an inherent problem in our M. Me asking H to do something, feeling guilty that he did something he didn't want to do and then not thanking him or showing appreciation for his acts because I feel guilty. Talk about a spoiled brat!! I *must* (and will) change this behavior PRONTO!!!

Friday's topic was conflict so we finally learned how to deal with conflict in our m. We both like the process and were able to actually dialogue about his drinking. We didn't necessarily come to any resolutions, but we are at least seeing each other's "side". We also talked about our different styles of dealing with conflict. That was very helpful. He acknowledged that he is an avoider and I'm someone that makes every issue about our relationship, rather than the issue at hand. This behavior in each of us drives one another nuts.

I do wonder what Monday will bring. He hasn't mentioned work at all. This makes me nervous. He can't just never go back there. He's going to have to have a conversation with Mr. Principal at some point in time. I honestly don't believe that he wants to be with OW, but she does have such a strong hold on him. I'm hoping that he can find it in him to resist her. In other words, I'm hoping for a miracle. I am sure that she will have a card waiting for him when he returns to school and in it she will profess her love for her "eternal paramour". Gag! Perhaps I will beat her to the punch and leave a card for my HUSBAND tomorrow morning, letting him know how much he pleases me...

H has been getting a bit more affectionate lately. I've had 3 kisses on the lips this morning alone. I don't remember the last time that's happened...and I'm enjoying every minute of it and letting him know how happy I am that he's sending them my way.

[Sara]

Very good, EM. He's making amazing progress with the Retrouvaille program considering the pressure from work. Someone has to tell this woman off. She is in dreamland. Doesn't even know she is in a school. He should be open and honest with the Principal. And the Principal should lay down the law to her. Either she stops acting like she's on a date at work, or she's fired. And then he should change the classrooms too. She needs to know that someone is watching her behavior and disapproves to the point that she will lose her job. I'm ready to hand out a lot of F's to the adults at this school.

[limbo]

Edie,

Your H may not be making the progress that you want, but he is still making it! He is fighting against this the only way he knows how right now, so it really a move in the right direction!

Just hang in there and keep doing what you are doing!